Forgiven, but not forgotten

Counsellor, My fiancé cheated on me, and even though I decided to forgive him, I still find myself checking his phone, questioning his whereabouts, and overthinking every little thing he does. He keeps telling me that I need to move on because the cheating happened in the past (it was literally four months ago), but how am I supposed to move on when his actions destroyed the trust I once had? Am I wrong for still having doubts, or should I accept that some relationships can never be the same after infidelity?

Your fiancé was unfaithful to you, and he wants you to “move on”, but you do not quite trust that he won’t cheat again. Understood. It takes a lot to forgive infidelity, but you did it. However, forgiveness indeed doesn’t immediately restore trust. Understandably, you are more alert to the possibility of further infidelity. You are not wrong for having doubts. It is an absolutely normal response to have questions about his general loyalty. The dynamic of the relationship has changed. That’s not on you. That’s on him. But whether it can be restored will depend on the actions you are both willing to take.

REV CHRIS BRODBER.

Trust is one of the great virtues of a romantic relationship. It is a critical part of the foundation of a healthy relationship. Trust is what makes us willing to be uniquely vulnerable to each other. It is what allows us to give access to the keys, to give access to the debit or credit card, to tell a secret, or to introduce to the family. Once it’s negatively impacted, your willingness to be vulnerable and extend trust is undermined.

He has to have patience as you heal. There is nothing inherently wrong with you asking him about his “whereabouts” while your trust is being rebuilt. He should understand and be accommodating, knowing you’ve been deeply hurt. The code remains: If you do the crime, you do some time. Meaning, the heavy lifting to restore the relationship to some semblance of normalcy is a responsibility of the offending party. Yet your cooperation will also be needed.

Searching the phone is problematic. Secret “surveillance” jeopardises the work to restore mutual trust and can keep you stressed and anxious. It’s better to agree on conditions of transparency and accountability that will make you feel secure enough to maintain the relationship. The challenge is to create mutually agreed boundaries that restore your confidence in him. You’ll need to establish what works for you, hear what his response is, and determine your best option.

James 1:8 says, “A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways”. This passage addresses instability, not infidelity particularly. But it highlights the importance of consistency. It is quite reasonable to expect consistency, dependability, and loyalty from your fiancé. Consider whether his actions demonstrate a genuine commitment to rebuilding the relationship. If he minimises the hurt he has caused and is unwilling to accept accountability, then reconsider your future together very carefully. Remember, your mental and physical health are your responsibility and should be a priority.