I have been studying

How I may compare

This prison where I live

Unto the World.

Shakespeare, Richard II, V, 5

So many people live in prisons, bound by invisible shackles, tied by unseen chains, fettered by intangible ropes, weighed down by emotional boulders and barricaded by ghost-like bars, trapped by events of their past and events that have a far-reaching impact on their present and their future. It was Sigmund Freud who theorised that we are all shaped and affected by the behaviour of our parents and doomed to repeat what they did. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out, and to take it even further, it has been posited that children often seek a partner who is most like their parents. Ergo, girls find men who remind them of their fathers and boys seek women who remind them of their mothers. So in reality, no one is free, but all trapped in emotional prisons. This we shall explore, right after these letters.

Hi Tony,

I often read your articles and always enjoy them as they speak to everyday issues. I enjoyed your article advising ladies that they can survive without a man. Women need to understand that. They need to learn this in order to survive and not just settle into a rut. I got married too early, after high school, and got a clerical job. I then took evening classes, got qualified and started tertiary education. So now my husband saw me differently, became very jealous and the relationship got abusive. I took the beatings for a while, but eventually divorced him. I continued my studies, vowing to do well with my life without the help of a man, got my MBA and now am a financial controller for a major organisation. My point is, women should turn their focus into developing themselves and becoming independent. The man will come if it’s the Lord’s will.

Margaret

Tony,

After reading again one off your many interesting articles, it leads me to believe that many sensible women are left out there. But then it all comes down to how knowledgeable a woman is, and what kind of upbringing she had. I also wonder how many sensible men are out there, because these days, it seems that there are so many men out there…on the streets at least, spending their time trying to get women’s attention for the wrong reasons. And they expect us to pay them mind. Do these men have nothing better to do? I will say that both men and women do crazy things in the name of ‘love’ but it’s really not love, just a fantasy and being blind to reality. So in the end, these women can either choose to learn, or can continue with their folly of doing anything in the name of love. Be knowledgeable, learn from your mistakes, and in the end you become a wiser woman.

Simone

They say that we are what we eat, we are the sum total of all that we have consumed over the years. Similarly we are the product of our emotional intake, which is really food for the soul. In many cases, this emotional diet results in many people becoming basket cases, emotional wrecks, with the symptom not manifesting itself until much later in life, when that person has affixed themselves to someone else. These folks are emotional prisoners, and the tragedy is, they also imprison their partner in their own dark world. If a child grew up with an abusive father, abuse becomes his reality, so when he or she grows up and gets hitched to a spouse, the outcome can be mighty interesting, but in a negative way. If it’s a young man, chances are he too will abuse his woman. Just check out the background of men who always beat women and you’ll discover a dark background of aggression and anger. If it’s a young woman, she may actually look for abuse from her man, and if he doesn’t provide it, she will goad him until he obliges her, or she will seek it elsewhere. There are some women who are always abused by men, no matter how many different relationships they are involved in. It’s no accident, for they subconsciously seek this abuse, as they are prisoners, trapped by their warped reality, trapped in an emotional prison that locks in both parties. The same goes for children who have alcoholic parents. You can rest assured that child will also become a drinker, as the exposure becomes too great a prison to escape from. They see nothing wrong with it, and treat their prison as normal life.

Those are the obvious ones, but there are also subtle emotional prisons that are difficult to detect, unless you are deeply involved with the prisoner and delve into their past. Only then will you discover why they act the way that they do. In the same way that

ex-prisoners behave in the outside world, these people manifest the same characteristics, one of which is low self-esteem. They always seek attention, approval and praise…constantly, and may suffer from bouts of depression. In many cases you will discover that the child had a parent who constantly berated them, telling them, “You’re no damn good, you’re worthless and will never amount to anything.” Now when that girl grows up and gets a man of her own, you cannot imagine the untold hell that man will experience, as he now becomes her new emotional jailer. She will always be seeking approval from him, and he dare not say anything that may appear negative in her eyes, or her response will be, “You’re just like my father who never had anything good to say about me…just go to hell.” In many cases, disgruntled mothers take out their anger on their sons, all because of his father. “You are just like your worthless father and have his bad ways…just get out of my sight.” That boy naturally grows up feeling anger and confusion and of course has low self-esteem. He too is a prisoner of his emotional upbringing. The effects of this emotional prison can be devastating, and it takes a spouse with the patience of Job to survive. Sadly most people don’t have the training or the patience to deal with that emotional prison.

There’s also the emotional prison of neglect, and if a child was neglected by a parent, or that parent left when the child was very young, then woe betide the future spouse when that child grows up. That husband or wife will be under constant scrutiny, not allowed to go anywhere without the other, not permitted to even go shopping, and will be a prisoner also of the cellphone, which acts like those monitoring devices that they affix to prisoners’ legs. All this because of fear that he or she will leave and never return, just like their parents did. Many times it’s a recurring decimal, as one day he or she may just simply leave, never to return, replicating the behaviour of their parents. This can be torture for anyone to live with, for to be a warder in an emotional prison can be the most horrible job that you can think of. As a result, many of the emotional prisoners choose not to get involved with anyone at all, for fear of abandonment and rejection. There are so many beautiful women who have no man by choice, all because they are prisoners of their past, a past that was filled with rejection and abandonment. “You mean a pretty girl like her never had a boyfriend yet?” “Yes, she had her heart broken in high school and swore off men since that… a prisoner of her emotional past.”

Anyone who has been dumped by a lover can relate to the pain, anguish and sense of loss that comes with the experience. It’s a part of life and most people get over it. Most, but not all. For some people, especially women who have been dumped more than once by men they have loved, it can be a life sentence in their emotional penitentiary, with no possibility of parole. So when a poor unsuspecting suitor comes along, with roses in hand and honey in his mouth, his advances will be met by the cold metallic clanging of the prison doors, for he has encountered an ex-convict of the emotional prison. And she isn’t letting him in. Sometimes he does manage to breach the prison walls, but will encounter a nightmare of the proportions of Dante’s Inferno. Sadly that spouse was not aware that his partner is an ex-con, until it’s too late, and they’re married for a few years. Ah yes, emotional prisoners usually have messed-up sex lives, and there are many stories of women totally physically shutting down, or of men who can only perform under certain conditions. Many therapists have heard, “Doc, it’s not that she wasn’t willing, she just wasn’t able, as her body just lock down like a bear trap, and nothing gets in.” There is a medical term for it…look it up. All this because they were inmates of emotional prisons.

What is sad also, is that one spouse is now pressured, and has to assume the mantle of husband, wife, therapist, listener, fixer, counsellor, all because the other partner is an emotional prisoner. Many can’t cope, and simply run away, while others become prisoners themselves, and hope that the other party will go away. No wonder so many people live lives of quiet desperation. Men escape, women withdraw, and in many cases it’s a relief when the prisoner leaves. So often we have heard people say, “I feel trapped, suffering in this prison, all because my spouse is an emotional prisoner.” It was Shakespeare who said, “I had as lief have the foppery of freedom, as the morality of imprisonment.” Emotional imprisonment can last forever, but some may get a reprieve. Remember what Bob Marley said, “Release yourself from mental slavery.” More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Sometimes life’s little pleasures are taken away. My Saturday afternoon treat of chicken patties and bread pudding from The Brick Oven at Devon House is no more, as the Brick Oven has closed its doors there. That bakery has been there for so many years and was an integral part of our food landscape. Now it’s no more, and that’s sad. Another pleasure soon to be taken away is the 995 number on LIME cellphones. I have had my number for donkey’s years and it’s on all my stationery, plus locked in the memory of all my friends and associates. People who have migrated and returned can still reach me, but now; that too shall be taken away. It may not rank high on the list of life’s problems, but it will distress many people. It’s the little things that count.