Some friends told me they sleep well only when out of Jamaica and I was moved as they spoke of the tension at home – night noise, strange sounds, dogs – it all made sense. A recent UK survey says many of us do not get enough sleep; a third are kept awake by partners and a half sleep in separate rooms because of snoring, a third seek medical help for sleep disorders and 15 per cent get divorced over bad sleep habits as passing wind, blanket battles, kicking and other bed crimes. The paradox is high performers sleep very little as great men plan victory while lesser men sleep. So, what is sleep? “A wha it gud fa?”

The body is built on nature’s basic input > process > output platform with subroutines like food storage (fat), cognition storage (memory) and maintenance; you can’t store sleep. Factories do not produce during maintenance and sleep is maintenance mode of your body. You awake, see more clearly, feel stronger; your body was serviced during sleep. Experts say “levels of cognitive skills, speech, memory, innovative and flexible thinking” are renewed during sleep. This means your child may do better if he stops cramming and sleeps before the exam. The HGV driver who wakes for the 3 am run to MoBay is impaired in reflexes, memory, space/time perception on the return trip and the genius up all night on the project is not the best person to present to the client in the morning.

Go to www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleepprofile and check your profile. Production workers rest, the engineering crew is busy just as sleep is rest for the body, not the brain, as it manages all maintenance. My Granny said we were “craven” as we woke up hungry. That’s because we use the same amount of energy during sleep. During REM sleep a body seems paralysed but your eyes are rolling as your brain is working at warp speed. If you are awakened you are confused and disoriented. You can’t produce well when maintenance is in progress. By morning the brain has done its work, puts away tools; instructs your body to dump liquid and solid waste, clean orifices then refuel and hydrate. Sleep is the key to peak performance.

The research says married people average about 5.5 hours sleep – much less than single people; but singles have more sex. Single men plan sexcapades at will; but married men have to pimp for sex with wives and work with the “headaches”. Sleep is a trip. Ever been kicked out of bed? Your pillow stolen? Pass wind in bed? Talk, sleepwalk? No Bill of Rights covers getting a good night’s sleep. Still, sleep is sacred and you will be grumpy, groggy, forgetful and a “bitch” if you don’t get enough.

Pretty women

I was recently intrigued by evolutionary psychology research on women. Did you know pretty girls know they are pretty, are insecure and worry if not noticed? Yet their looks keep men at bay. In a post-feminist era we are equal, so why don’t pretty women pay? Not for lunch, the club or ever. Many don’t carry a purse or “vex money”! She is the trophy and man must pay! You spend good money to buy a costly gift and as response get “It’s lovely; didn’t they have a bigger one?” Ugly people are different, they expect to pay. Ugly men are good for pretty women and better lovers (girls, trus’ me, I ugly too) as they work at it! Handsome men are self-absorbed, have many one-night stands but are lazy at sex. I know no ugly person, but the Barbados cavity issue proves beauty can also be a liability.

Barbados blue

A digital cavity search is unusual since we have Body Orifice Security Scanner (BOSS), and to probe our pretty Jamaican lady is inexcusable, disproportionate and unfair, so Minister Baugh must “raise Cain”. Incidentally, our media’s salacious, provocative reports are more pornography than journalism and treat the lady just like meat. The lady has two problems: she is pretty (lock up your husbands, Bim) so she is competition and she is Jamaican. No ugly woman is digitally probed! And no drug interdiction profile cites dishevelled or ugly people, but many cite Jamaica by name. Minister Baugh, we get abused at all ports; you don’t have diplomatic note paper to cope! Despite the positivity of Usain to our brand, our chief global publicists are pretty “mules” or entertainers in jail for drugs on three continents. We get no “bly” in any airport and a pretty lady suffers for the bad. The UK jails about 700 mules a year and our pretty girls too. The US used to harass us because of Manley’s socialism and we stood proud. There is no dignity in drugs. Barbados prizes order. I have walked its streets and would trade our vaunted druggie creativity for a fraction of its sanity. There will be no free movement or growth in CSME for us! No member will outrage its voters for us and none can afford our jobless tide. Barbados would lose its special rights in the UK – we do not have any. The UK let in poor whites from the EU for four years – not anymore – as local politics is bigger than the EU and Barbados’ is bigger than CSME.

A digital cavity search is unusual since we have Body Orifice Security Scanner (BOSS), and to probe our pretty Jamaican lady is inexcusable, disproportionate and unfair, so Minister Baugh must “raise Cain”. Incidentally, our media’s salacious, provocative reports are more pornography than journalism and treat the lady just like meat. The lady has two problems: she is pretty (lock up your husbands, Bim) so she is competition and she is Jamaican. No ugly woman is digitally probed! And no drug interdiction profile cites dishevelled or ugly people, but many cite Jamaica by name. Minister Baugh, we get abused at all ports; you don’t have diplomatic note paper to cope! Despite the positivity of Usain to our brand, our chief global publicists are pretty “mules” or entertainers in jail for drugs on three continents. We get no “bly” in any airport and a pretty lady suffers for the bad. The UK jails about 700 mules a year and our pretty girls too. The US used to harass us because of Manley’s socialism and we stood proud. There is no dignity in drugs. Barbados prizes order. I have walked its streets and would trade our vaunted druggie creativity for a fraction of its sanity. There will be no free movement or growth in CSME for us! No member will outrage its voters for us and none can afford our jobless tide. Barbados would lose its special rights in the UK – we do not have any. The UK let in poor whites from the EU for four years – not anymore – as local politics is bigger than the EU and Barbados’ is bigger than CSME.

Governments pose but only people can make free movement work and if a reputation precedes you – end of story! What conversation will Minister Baugh have with Minister McClean? Who has the moral high ground? Mistakes were made, so cool it; give the lady a good apology and reparation. We know “wat a gwaan” as every week somewhere a Jamaican is caught, tried or jailed for drugs. With another hat I see ackee tins of drugs as our people will not repent. Righteous indignation by Cabinet is a sham. We have no moral ground in the Belize meeting as we chuck out every flippin’ Haitian. We tell our close neighbour to go home, we will help you and please don’t come to ours. Cabinet must deal with our entertainer druggists so decent people can move freely. My Bajan friend, there is no more need for digital searches as I see the BOSS chair used often and it works well. Just sit in it and all is visible. Caricom can assist members by buying one for each airport but don’t hold your breath! Stay conscious!

Dr Franklin Johnston is an international project manager with Teape-Johnston Consultants currently on assignment in the UK.