Your children were vexation To your youth,

But mine shall be a comfort to your age.

— Shakespeare, Richard III, IV, 4

CHILDREN can be a blessing, even if in disguise, but indeed, many blessings turn out to be curses, and that’s one curse you cannot send back.

What is true is that children usually live what they learn, and that’s why environment and peer pressure have such an impact on and importance in a young child’s life. It has been proven that a boy who grows up in an environment where he sees his father abusing his mother will more than likely abuse women also. He sees it, so he lives it, and it is his norm. Likewise, children of alcoholics will end up partaking of liquor and see nothing wrong with their excesses. The same goes for daughters of single mothers who usually end up being mothers at an early age themselves. The same thing that caught Mama, caught her too, pregnant at age 15. The cycle continues and it’s pointless for the single young mother to be angry with her daughter for perpetuating the lifestyle, for she set the example. So, are all single mothers setting up their daughters to be single mothers, too? Are young girls destined to become single mothers? This, we’ll find out, right after these responses to ironically, ‘Justified single women’.

Oh Tony, Tony, Tony,

Why can’t you see that some single women, like me, ARE FINE with singledom. Relationships can be great, but are not the end-all and be-all, and I have no problem being single, because I RARELY get lonely, and I enjoy my own company. Maybe my lonelylonging-for-a man-gene has been stunted, which is fine by me. I’m not the type of woman who has to be in a relationship, never have been. Men tell me they’re intimidated by me and I can’t be bothered to deal with that. I’ve been engaged, married, divorced, happy in love, sad in love, kissed princes and frogs, been sought after, been dumped and done the dumping, and endured the pain of unrequited love. So you can see, there is no cause for me to wonder what I’m missing.

Gloria White Plains, New York

Daddy Oh,

Why is it that according to some men and women, including you Teerob, all single women should be in a relationship, post-haste, hurry hurry, quick quick? Maybe SOME women feel that they need to be half of a couple, but certainly not all. And just because we’re single doesn’t mean that we’re incomplete or desperate. Far from it, because we are in fact, fine. My philosophy is simple: men are like the wind, they breeze in with a huff and a puff and blow out same way. So to avoid getting knocked off course, it’s best to pay them no mind.

Ava Ming Birmingham, UK

So, not only are more and more women opting to be single, many are passing on that philosophy to their daughters, too. Sure, they will say, “I didn’t tell her to remain single or to be a single mother. It was all her choice, so don’t blame me.” But is that true, is it really the choice of the daughter why she became pregnant at age 15? Do they really have free will, or are they all guided by those who came before them, manipulated and controlled by invisible strings of the master puppeteer, her mother?

I saw this USA article that addressed this issue and it really brought the matter home to me, as I reflected on the many mothers in Jamaica who are young and single. I see them on the road everyday, walking from the Women’s Care Centre, cradling their infants in their arms, with them just a few years past their infancy themselves.

The article raised the point that many women expressed how difficult it was being a single mother, and that they desired a husband now, but back in their 20s, they bypassed marriage, but had a child while in their 30s, because it was simply the right thing to do at the time. “After all, my mother was a single mom, and she raised me… so I can do it, too.” Single mothers by destiny.

My research told me that over twothirds of modern black women in the USA were raised by single mothers. They in turn will become single mothers, too, and at an even younger age. So those mothers are grandmothers by the time they are 30 years old. I haven’t got the figures for Jamaica, but I can hazard a guess that it’s much higher, as single parenting is more the norm then the exception.

The reality is, not only are daughters destined to become young single mothers because of the unseen influence of their mothers, but in many cases the mothers actually encourage it. “Don’t depend on any man to be there for you. If you want a baby, have it; as long as you have your education you will manage… plus, I will help you.”

Sadly, having a child at that tender age usually interferes with the education, but many do not see that… until it’s too late. But some do see it, and as the article states, “They are career-driven women with no balance, and validated by their education and designer handbags. Cold, guarded, callous, they don’t need a man because they have diplomas.” Maybe Mama told them this, maybe she didn’t have to, as those daughters saw how much crap Mama took from men, that they vowed that fate would never befall them.

So there they are, bright, educated, intelligent women, raising their children with no man in sight. Even if the man offers his input, that too is often rejected, as they are programmed, preconditioned that the only good man is an absent man, and the child is the sun and moon that she revolves around. Usually these women never let go of these children, and will raise their boys well into their 20s or even 30s, having them still living at home, doing nothing.

It’s more common than you think, and the only things more common are the excuses that they give. If they have daughters, those girls may even grow up resenting their mothers, and blame them for their manless state. “Momma, if you never drove away every man in your life, I would know how to relate to men better.” Others simply emulate Mommy and live the single-mother life as she did. But many of the bright ones realise that an MBA will not keep them warm at night, the article says.

So when they reach a certain age, the desire to have a child increases, and either they find a sperm donor, or they adopt. But come hell or high water, they still do not want a man, but prefer to be single moms. Those are perhaps the single mothers by choice. Others have that state thrust upon them, as, having grown up in an environment where love and affection were absent, they seek it elsewhere. Does the word ‘promiscuity’ spring to mind? They may not see it as such, but in their quest for love, they end up getting sex instead… lots of it, and rumour has it that sex can lead to pregnancy.

So single Mommy’s little girl has gone and got herself knocked up… by accident. Or was it destiny? Some may have the baby so that they have something that loves them, filling the chasm that existed in their lives. Others may do it in order to hold a man… subconsciously. That rarely works, as the paternal instinct pales in comparison to the maternal instinct and the men do not stick around. Baby Daddies have wings and very little money to spare, it seems.

It’s bad enough when they have only one child, but many single mothers are repeat offenders. I know girls, age 21 years, having four or five children. Low self-esteem plays a big part in this, the research says, and surprisingly also, jealous mothers, who secretly wish that their daughters end up the same way that they did.

“Just accept your lot in life. If I could do it you can, too. No betta nuh deh.” So many girls are destined to become single mothers, too… out of their control. Can this cycle be broken?

The research article ends by saying, “Mothers should have high expectations without expecting perfection, and always remain open to love. This means mothers have to overcome personal bitterness and resentment towards men and see the solid examples of various types of male/female interaction. Otherwise, their daughters are bound to end up single mothers too.”

That all sounds philosophical, educated and idealistic, but even as the grass is growing, the horse is starving. Many among us bury our heads in the sand, with some even resenting the words on this page. But the hard, cold truth is, we are all products of our experiences and destined to continue in the footsteps of those who came before us, whether we like it or not.

So, single mothers, maybe it’s not your fault that you’re all alone and saddled with three children. Maybe it’s just destiny. “Tis such fools such as you, that make the world full of ill favour’d children,” said Shakespeare.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: So Boys’ and Girls’ Champs have come and gone, and at the time of writing this, I have no idea who won. Purple courses through my veins — win, lose or draw. What I do know is that some schools were barred from participating because of late registration. I fully agree with the ruling. The fact is, every school knows the deadline, and this is nothing new.

Champs is once a year, every year, at the same time, so what could the excuse be? It’s a harsh lesson for a young athlete to learn, but one that will never be forgotten. That rule has been in effect for years, with many no-namebrand schools being barred for missing the deadline.

But suddenly, because high-profile schools were involved this year, there are calls to bend the rules and allow them in. Where were those calls when smaller schools were barred in previous years? What a double standard. But that’s a feature of society, where rules must apply only to certain people.