O, that our fathers

Would applaud our loves,

To seal our happiness,

With their consents!

— Shakespeare, The Two Gentlemen of Verona 1, 3

FATHERS often really get a bum rap, and of course, many fathers are bums; but not all. Even so, a father’s consent is so often sought by children, and few things will affect a child as badly as the disapproval of a father.

My daughter, now all grown up, has told me that the worst thing that could happen to her when she was a child was if I was disappointed in anything that she did. Sons, on the other hand, tend to want to be like their fathers, even though they might not say it out loud. And yet, there is a little fear involved that a son feels towards his father. Fear mixed with pride, awe and admiration. All sons think that their dads are the strongest, ‘baddest’ men on the planet.

My son may not recall this, but I remember at the highlight of my karate days, I broke a concrete block with my bare hands in his presence, which set the tone for his future years when dealing with me. He was always so well-behaved around me.

Yes, fathers do have an influence and an awesome responsibility to their children, more than most of them even know. Yet some may fall short, and neglect the very being, the child who reveres them so much. Our fathers, who and where art thou? We’ll examine this right after these responses to ‘A week of terror’.

Daddy Oh,

First, let me say that your column is a weekly must-read for me. I don’t always agree with you, but I still look forward to whatever you have to say. You highlighted the terror tactics that women use against their men because of jealousy, and I totally agree. I have used them in the past, and thankfully I’m way past that now.

However, there is a flip side, as, believe it or not, men also use terror tactics but oftentimes with more devastating consequences. We may only put them in the doghouse for a brief period, but they are capable of totally destroying a perfectly good relationship, or even a person, over nothing more than jealous imagination.

I speak from experience when I tell you of a ‘sound marriage’ of over 40 years which has gone cold simply because the man is convinced of infidelity, past and present, for which he has no proof, and will never prove, because they never happened. I hope you would investigate the flip side of a week of terror.

Betty

Hi Tony,

I must congratulate you on being terror free. As for the terror meted out by these women, some of them appear to be extreme, and the wife in the case of the Australian ex-girlfriend, just downright lacks self-esteem and confidence. I hope some of these women recognise themselves in your column and smarten up. I have to go now before my wife sees this.

Ryan

Ontario, Canada

Basil Dawkins once again has opened up avenues of discussion with his thought-provoking hit play, Where is My Father. The play delves into the lives of a daughter, her mother and a father whom she didn’t know. Neither did he know of her existence until very late in their lives. Sounds familiar? It should, for life does imitate art, and we do know for a fact that many people do not know who their fathers are.

So as I watched that play, I thought about all those children who spend a lifetime searching for their dads, even when they themselves become adults. “I must know who my father is, just to look at him and say, Hi Daddy.” For many, father is just that guy who they hear about and who flits in and out of their lives like the wind, and just like the breeze, many fathers are blowhards with no substance.

They only extol the virtues and achievements of their children after they have succeeded. Mother will struggle alone with the child with Daddy never around, but as soon as the exam results are published, or the university honour roll is read, he suddenly appears to lay claim, beaming and strutting, “Is my youth that. This is my son in whom I am well pleased.”

That last line was from the Bible and was justifiably spoken by the greatest father of them all, but so many mortal dads lay claim to it.

But in the same way that we have errant, irresponsible, irrational fathers that we often hear about, and Lord, how we hear about them, there are also so many fathers who are quietly toiling away and making an impact on their children’s lives. I was so pleased to hear one of our famous deejays talking about his six children and how much they meant to him, and that everything he did in his life was for them. I really hope that he meant every word, for it was a radio interview, and mouth mek fi talk.

But he did sound sincere, and even though I wasn’t too pleased to hear that at age 24 he had six kids with six different women, at least he acknowledged them, expressed his love and affection for them and condemned men who disowned theirs.

I know of this gentleman who is raising his three kids all by himself because his wife left him for a Dread. She returned for a brief moment in time, but flew the coop again for a freedom that she says eluded her for too long.

Most children love their mothers, but hers asked her never to return to the house because of what she did to their dad. He is now father and mother to them. ‘My father who mothered me,’ should be the title of their essay. That kind of story rarely makes the papers, but let a father slip and see how it’s splashed everywhere.

So many fathers fight to get custody of their children, while others haven’t got to, as it’s thrust upon them. Not all women have maternal instincts, not all women are meant to be mothers. I know of women who are bereft of affection and gladly turned their daughters over to the father to be raised. Some have even told me outright, “I never should have had a child, but he wanted one, so I just did it to please him and his family. Now he can take her, for he says that I’m not a fit mother. Maybe he’s right.”

When a judge grants custody of the children to a father, you must know that something is seriously wrong with the mother, for the courts are usually more sympathetic towards the mothers. Still, so many fathers get bad name. But bad name or not, all children want to know who their fathers are, and will search high and low just to find dear old Dad.

It doesn’t even matter if he’s in prison or down and out, the pride of saying, “That’s my father,” will still come from the lips of the child. Where is my father, my father, my father, where art thou? That’s the cry of so many people here in Jamaica and, indeed, the world.

I have this lady friend who always introduces her spouse as “The pickney dem father”, with pride. It means so much to her that not only did he sire her four children, but he stuck around to support them, and her. To this day I do not know his name, but only know him as “the pickney dem father”.

Fathers are the unsung heroes of the world, and even though I thought that I was always closer to my mother, as most boys are, now that they are both gone, I miss my father more and dream of him often. Is it because boys tend to become their fathers, or want to, and now see themselves turning into that man?

Daughters do love their mothers, but there comes a time when mother and daughter are at loggerheads and may not even speak to each other for a while as they can’t see eye to eye. This usually occurs in the teenage years. This rarely happens between daddy and daughter, though.

Right now I have a friend who is struggling with four young children after their mother abandoned them to seek a life elsewhere. It’s so painful to see that man struggle with his three boys and a girl, combing their hair, preparing their food, ironing clothes, taking them to school, often on the bus when his old van breaks down, then hurrying home in the evening to start the cycle all over again.

It’s so hard, yet he struggles along and would never give it up. Even the judge in the Family Court commends him. Now you’re going to say that women go through that all the time, and it’s true, but women have natural maternal instincts, but for men it’s not so, and is far more difficult. It’s easier for a man to change a tyre than a diaper.

When a father messes up, it impacts on the child badly too. I have a schoolmate who to this day still curses his father for not helping him in his childhood years. He speaks of it bitterly and often and never forgave him, even though he’s long passed away.

So there are fathers and there are fathers, some good, others bad, but in the eyes of a child, that’s still my father. So father, where art thou? Answer the call, gentlemen. More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Why is everybody on Kingston College’s case? Now even fellow columnist Sharon Leach has entered the fray, calling us a cult, all because of our unwavering pride in our school. Is it our fault that we excel so much? Is it our fault that we won Boys’ Champs 14 years in a row, and six years in a row after that and won it the most times of any school?

Is it our fault that we won Schools’ Challenge the most of any school in the history of the competition? Is it our fault that we have so many Government and Rhodes Scholars? Is it our fault that we strive for excellence and that our motto is, ‘The brave may fall but never yield?’ A motto known by all of Jamaica, and beyond.

Is it our fault that our Old Boys’ Association is the most vibrant of all schools, with chapters internationally? Is it our fault that we are proud of our achievements — past, present, and future — and instil this pride in the students? “Oh you KC boys, so full of yourselves,” we often hear. You should ask why our pride is so strong, and instead of trying to tear it down, build up your own and become a positive force.

Fortis should be adopted by all Jamaica. Be proud of who you are. We, the KC fraternity, are, with no apology.