Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine:

Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine,

Whose weakness, married to thy stronger state,

Makes me thy strength to communicate.

— Shakespeare, The Comedy of Errors 11, 2

What a wonderful turn of words that lady spun to her man, praising him, bigging him up, letting him feel as if he means everything to her. And don’t believe that he didn’t feel good about hearing those sweet words either, for in spite of how rough and tumble most men like to portray themselves, they also need affirmation, just like women do.

True, a man may not need to hear the words ‘I love you’ from his woman all the time, but he does appreciate it when she expresses confidence in him, that she feeds on his strength.

Thou art an elm, my husband, I am a vine. An elm is a strong, stout tree, and a vine is a plant that clings to it, wraps its coils around its mighty trunk, and in effect finds refuge in it.

It’s a delicate balance though, this symbiosis between the elm and the vine, for if the vine clings too tightly it may squeeze the very lifeforce out of the mighty tree, rendering it useless. It cannot alter the tree in any way, lest both of them perish. That vine has to accept that elm for what it is, and adapt to its environment. It cannot try to makeover that tree.

And that’s where we’re creeping today, into the world of marital makeover, right after these responses to ‘Say I love you’.

Hi Tony,

The Nat King Cole song, Three Little Words says it all.

“Oh what I’d give for that wonderful phrase

To hear those three little words

That’s all I’d live for the rest of my days

And what I feel in my heart

They tell sincerely

No other words can tell it more clearly

Three little words

Eight little letters

Which simply mean I love you.”

W Jamadar

HI Tony,

What’s wrong with a man saying ‘I love you’ to his woman, even in the presence of his friends? Men should shed their macho egos and soften up sometimes. It’s not an affirmation of love, but women just like to know that their men care enough to say those special words too.

Valerie

Hey Tony,

Regarding your footnote on the Kingston cross the harbour swim race and Sarah Newland, please remind the media ‘newsies’ that winning one of those races earned Sarah the Carreras Sportswoman of the Year award. They can research that too.

Carmen Clarke

When people get married they are expected to change, alter their lifestyle, adjust their way of doing things, shift and shuffle their deck to suit their partner. At least that’s the popular notion, and old-time people call it compromise. What is true is that many modern couples are unwilling to make any adjustment, and the end result is splitsville.

But is too much change a good thing for any relationship? After all, didn’t your partner like what they saw and then fell for this attraction in the first place? Why now go and change all that, just because the involvement got cemented by marriage? Remember the Dionne Warwick song, “Don’t make me over, now that I’d do anything for you.”

I put this question to a few married couples, some legally, others bound by living together, common-law, boyfriend /girlfriend, shacking up, it doesn’t matter. As long as you’re cohabiting under the same roof you’re in a serious relationship, and that counts as a marriage.

Under one roof seems to be the binding force that bonds a relationship, for no matter how a man and a woman are involved, no matter how many years they date, no matter how many times he sleeps over at her house, or she at his, it’s just not the same as living under the same roof.

As the old saying goes, see me and come live with me are two different things. But clearly, even though two souls are different, there has to be a meeting point where both of them can exist in a happy place. ‘Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean, but between the both of them, they licked the platter clean.’ That nursery rhyme certainly sums up how two who are different can still coexist in harmony.

It was just last month I called an old friend of mine to ask of his welfare. “And how are the kids?” I asked. His reply saddened me, for he said, “Oh the kids are fine, for they are the glue that keeps the marriage together.” It seems that he, and others like him, felt pressured by his wife to change his ways, to alter his lifestyle, and to do a complete makeover because they now live under one roof.

I spoke to other couples about this, and it seems to be a common, if not popular theme. Now, I’m not being gender biased here, but more men tend to think that their women want them to do a complete makeover rather than the other way around. The consensus was that more women wanted to change the ways and habits of men, than the opposite.

When I put this to the women, I thought that I would be met with howls of protest, but instead, surprisingly, many of them agreed, and justified it too. “I took him as a diamond in the rough, but all diamonds need polishing to show their true potential.” Another woman even suggested that all men are like projects, so they are to be worked on until they achieve their full potential. So even the perfect man, the man of their dreams, Mr Right, needs a good makeover.

Now, would a man take a Ferrari, a Lamborghini or a Lexus and try to modify it? Men tend to accept their women the way that they are, although there are a few exceptions. Unfortunately, these exceptions are not too nice, for when a man insists on changing the ways of his woman, it’s usually for his own selfish gains… or to allay his insecurities.

When he met her she was an attractive, outgoing, fun-loving woman. But now that they’re married, he wants to put her in a box, telling her that she must now dress conservatively, cover up everything, show no cleavage, no skin, wear modest clothes, stop wearing so much make-up and be almost like those women in those middle eastern countries.

In effect, he puts her in a cubicle, a cubicle that also encloses his fears and insecurities. Why should a man want to hide his woman’s beauty from the world, when it was that which attracted him to her in the first place?

The women tend to want to change their men for different reasons though, and although many men may resent this change, in the long run, most of them appreciate it. “To tell the truth, I used to love the street, and my wife used to be on my case about it. Then I realised that it’s time I left the streets anyway.” That’s what a married man and former gallis told me.

Sometimes this attempt to makeover the man may seem annoying, as many guys resent being told what to do, but women usually know what’s best in certain areas of relationships. Sometimes the woman will say, ‘Don’t wear that shirt, dear,’ and the guy will grumble, but guess what, he’ll usually take her advice, and it’s usually for the better.

There is difference between making suggestions and nagging, though, for some men have told me horror stories of their women on their case all the time. “It’s like she want me to be a different person completely,” I have heard from men in the throes of a makeover. It’s a thin line. The question still lingers, though, why don’t men try to makeover their women?

I’m not saying that all marital makeovers are positive, but what I have learnt is, ‘Listen to your woman,’ as they always have an instinct, an intuition, a knack to see things that many men don’t see. So many times we’ve heard men say, “If I had listened to my wife this wouldn’t happen.”

As one wife told me recently, “I have two sons, my newborn baby and my husband.” Maybe that sums it up, women love to nurture others and fix things. There’s always something around the house that needs fixing, adjusting, a makeover, and the man just falls right into her list of things to do.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: I keep hearing how we must find jobs for our youth, and that our youth, especially the boys, need something to do. Well, I fully agree, for the devil does find work for idle hands. But I am here to tell you that many, hundreds, maybe thousands of boys have no desire to work. I know of an institution that offered full scholarships to hundreds of innercity youth to learn various skills such as electrical works, plumbing, mechanics and such. After a short time they all dropped out, except for two. That’s two out of 400. Yet the others continue to stand on the corner and beg for a small change. So many are unreachable. What is the answer?