Grief fills the room up of my absent child,

Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,

Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words….

Then have I reason to be fond of grief.

— Shakespeare, King John III, 4

DIVORCE can be devastating to so many people, including the parents of the couple who may not only grieve, but also get angry as they take sides and play the blame game.

Then there are the friends who may also cast blame on the husband or wife, depending on whose story they heard and believed. Then, of course, we can’t forget the couple whose lives are shattered by the trauma of divorce, as not only are emotions torn apart, but possessions will have to be divided up. Who gets the house, should we sell and split the money, who gets the car, furniture, puss and dog….and, of course, the children?

How could we forget the children, those innocent little darlings who had nothing to do with the folly of their parents?! They came into this world to a loving and protective life that mommy and daddy gave them. But now all is coming to naught as the bubble has burst, the plug has been pulled, the flame extinguished from the hearth that gave them warmth.

Many times the children are the forgotten victims, but one thing is sure, they will never forget that their parents got divorced. And it affects them in varying degrees. How, we’ll find out right after these letters responding to ‘Sweat the small stuff’.

Hey Teerob,

Good article, so true what you said about James Forbes in your footnote. The same can be said about Professor Bain. By the way, noted marriage counsellor Barry Davidson cautions against trying to deal with tough, sensitive, potentially conflict-inducing issues at nights because reasoning is impaired when tired.

Ellen

Hi Tony,

You are right on. The small stuff will sometimes irk the spouse, partner or friend. People need to be more aware and be sensitive to how their words and actions, or inactions, regardless of how trivial it may seem, affect others.

Some people need to engage their brain before spewing out words that may cause unintended offence. The little thoughtful things that we do to each other will surely go a long way towards improving any relationship. Romping around helps a lot too.

Diane

I read an article titled ‘A future wrecked by divorce’ by Odimegwu Onwumere that really opened my eyes to not only the trauma that divorce wreaks on children, but also provided me with some historical insight on divorce itself.

For example, early history of divorce was traced back to Europe around 1857 and in that early era only men were permitted to divorce. In some middle eastern countries, all that a man had to do was say to his wife, “I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee,” and he’d be free as a bird. But what struck me about the article was the emotional damage that divorce had on many children in Africa, especially Nigeria. There, many children dropped out of school, and those who stayed suffered from poor grades and even displayed the same traits as street urchins.

Clearly, divorce affects children greatly and differently.

This problem, I’m sure, is universal, even though children of different cultures may behave in different ways. Naturally, it all depends on what age the child happens to be, for if it’s an infant still in the crib, or even a toddler, he or she will simply grow up with a single parent, not knowing what it was to have both parents.

The problems occur when the child is used to both parents then suddenly one leaves, never to return. Let’s not forget the constant bickering, quarrelling, and fighting that often precedes the divorce. Just imagine what effect that can have on a child who now has to live with the fact that mommy and daddy don’t love each other anymore and the security of the home has been shattered. Paradise lost.

It also affects boys differently from girls, and especially in the teenage years. Based on my research, many boys will still pine after their fathers, even if he was the cause of the divorce. Daddy used to abuse mommy, daddy was a womaniser, daddy walked out, daddy never gave a dollar to that child’s development…. yet the boy still sees daddy as his hero, and may even berate mommy too, as his anger is misguided.

In other scenarios the boy may hate his father and speak ill of him up to his dying days. I still remember a schoolmate of mine who used to curse his father from we were in sixth form. When I see him at old boys’ dinner many years after, he’s still cursing his long-dead father. The ill-treatment and divorce affect boys in different ways, with none of them being positive. Anger and resentment are the common denominators.

Girls may swear off marriage because their parents got divorced. “Why should I get married when my parents, who are both great people, couldn’t make it work?” That fear may linger with girls forever, as they mistrust not only the institution of marriage, but also their instincts. “What if I change after I get married?” they may think. The figures do show that children of divorce often get divorced themselves if they choose to get married.

There is often a deep resentment seething in a child of divorce if a parent decides to get married again. We hear tales of the wicked stepmother, although tales of the wicked stepfather are not as prevalent in folklore. There is mistrust and anger with a tinge of fear. “Here we go again, I don’t want to be hurt again.”

Real or imagined, there is more than a tad of resentment, suspicion and anger when a divorced parent decides to get married again. Many boys resent the fact that another man is taking his father’s place. While many daughters may simply hate her father’s next bride, simply because she’s not her mother, and the fact that daddy left her lovely mother for ‘that tramp’. “How dare daddy leave my mother and love someone else?”

Apart from emotional trauma that children of divorce go through, there’s also the financial aspect. Many times the father, out of sheer spite, cuts off all financial assistance to the child, saying that “Since you big enough to divorce me, then fend for yourself.” This may hurt the mother, yes, but also has a terrible effect on the children.

No school fee, no clothes, no food, no visits, for she divorced him, so let her manage on her own. Plus, “I’m not giving her any money so she can spend it on man.” That’s the thinking of many men, and the result is a child who suffers from an abandonment complex and financial suffering.

The irony is, these men will suddenly reappear in the child’s life, giving advice and encouragement after he or she graduates from university. “That’s my daughter, the doctor…. I’m so proud of her.” Who knows what goes through that child’s mind at that time, knowing what a jerk daddy was after he divorced her mom and totally abandoned them? It’s a negative feeling that lingers.

Of course, there’s also the flip side where mothers use the children as pawns in the divorce game as they hide them from the fathers, sometimes whisking them away to foreign countries, never to be seen again. I know this wife who actually told USA immigration that her ex-husband was a drug dealer so that he was unable to enter the country. It took him years to clear his name. In both scenarios, the children are the ones who suffer.

Many times these children will be so torn and confused that they end up living double lives. I have known of children of divorce living in both the homes of the father and mother. The first four days of the week were spent with mom, and the other three with dad. I have actually witnessed this and I found the whole scenario so weird, but children of divorce do strange things.

Very often the children of divorce suffer more than the children of single parents. They once had both parents, then one went away and left behind anger, bitterness and a loss of love.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Still dealing with children, there’s the sordid world of substance abuse among adolescents. It starts out as being cute, with the child allowed to have a drink or two. After all, one drink can’t affect him or her. But therein lies the danger. After years of having that ‘one drink’, the child becomes hooked, dependent, an alcoholic.

Naturally, there will be denial, but the child is hooked. Then there’s also the smoking of ganja, which usually starts out as no big thing. “Oh, one spliff can’t hurt the youth…look how long I smoking.” After years, that one spliff has multiplied a thousandfold, and he’s hooked. I wonder what’s going to happen if and when ganja smoking is legalised?

Marijuana has great medicinal value, that’s a fact, but smoking and getting high is another matter. The stats show that one substance leads to another, as it starts out as one drug, then moves on to harder drugs for a more intense high. Substance abuse of any kind can be a killer. That goes for cigarettes, too.