Grandma Nuh Easy At All (LMH Publishing, 2015), by Josephine Gooden, 180 pp

In time for the holiday gift giving season, Bookends

highlights new titles that will make good stocking stuffers. This week’s spotlight book is Grandma Nuh Easy At All, by Josephine Gooden.

It’s the story of eccentric Hazel, an old-fashioned grandmother in St Ann with old-fashioned Jamaican values. Hazel, known and well-loved throughout her rural community, has become everybody’s grandmother, despite her strict, uncompromising ways, earning her the widely used moniker Grandma Hazel. If you’re interested in a comic stroll down memory lane and remembering old-time Jamaican mores, this slim volume will interest you.

The following is an excerpt.

Lorna continued her journey. She was driving faster than the speed limit. She ended her journey safely and was standing in line with Grandma Hazel, who was sitting in her wheelchair. She held an umbrella over Grandma Hazel, protecting her from the sun. People were complaining about how far they were coming from, and how long they were waiting in the line. A tall lady stood looking at Grandma Hazel pitiably and said, “Dem people yah wicked bad, all dem olda people like she dem shoulda mek dem sidung inside instead a mek dem a wait in de bwiling sun.”

A short, middle-aged man, bearing evidence of having encountered many hard knocks in life, stood looking at the tall lady and shaking his head, he said, “Woman shet yuh big mout’ an’ mine yuh mek dem shet de window dem. Fi mi whole life depend on de visa.”

“Nuh worry,” said the lady, “shut dung or nuh shut dung, nobody in dem right mine would give yuh visa fi go America wid dem deh teet wha look like a dog teet capinta put in yuh mout’ an’ use tar pierce dem down in yuh mout.”

The short man climbed on top of the rail and spat in the lady’s face. She angrily picked him up with one hand, threw him over her shoulder like an evening jacket and then slammed him head first down onto the ground.

People were laughing, shouting and crowding around. Without saying a word, the security guard closed the windows and doors. More fights and quarrels broke out among the angry crowd.

Grandma Hazel said, “What a disappointment, if ah did follow my mine ah would neva leave mi house. What a terrible brute dem. Dis is a sign to tell mi not to go to America.”

“That is how they behave most of the time Grandma, we can try again soon,” said Lorna.

“Is you alone going back,” Grandma Hazel replied.

Lorna encouraged her into going back. She was the sixth in line this time.

“Next!” shouted a white, bald-headed officer. He was yawning as if he had not eaten or slept in days. He peeked through the window at Grandma Hazel. “What can I do for you pretty lady?” he asked.

“I don’t know sah,” she answered. She was wearing the broadest smile that her face could accommodate.

“So you would like to go to America?” the officer asked.

“Eehe, is not mi really want to go sah, is mi dawta want mi to go sah,” replied Grandma Hazel.

“Are you going to America to live?” the officer asked. “Mi not going to America to neither live nor die sah. If ah go any at all it may be only to stay a couple days, mi nat staying nowhere weh mi caa even go outside go warm little sun an’ haffi dress like igloo wit’ only mi nose outside,” said Grandma Hazel .

The officer looked confused. Grandma Hazel’s response seemed to trigger a smile on his bewildered face. He stamped the passport. He said, “Ok ma’am, enjoy your stay” as he handed the documents to Lorna. Grandma Hazel bowed her head sincerely.

“T’ank you sah,” she said.

“Mi hearing bad, I coulda hardly hear what de bal’ head man was saying,” Grandma Hazel said.

“That’s why you should allow me to get a hearing aid for you Grandma,” replied Lorna. “You got ten years indefinite, Grandma.”

“Seh wah? Ten years in deafness? About four years now mi ears giving mi trouble, is not ten years yet,” she said.

“I said he gave you a ten-year visa, Grandma,” Lorna repeated.

“Ten years fi stay in America, ah don’t even ha ten years fi live much less fi stay America,” she replied.

“It means you can travel to America for ten years without renewing your visa,” Lorna explained.

Timothy was busy on his cell phone calling Charmaine to give her the good news.

“Grandma, when I get back home I am going to talk to mom and then buy your ticket online early, so as to get a good price,” said Lorna. Grandma Hazel had no idea what the procedures were. Her eyes opened wide.

She replied, “No worry wid dat a God in heaven tall, mi nuh want notin’ outa dat croses line nor net, nex’ t’ing it cause de plane to crash. Yuh give me de money, mi will pay fi mi seat when I go in de plane,” she said.

“Come on, Grandma.”

“Nuh come on mi! Before so I stay right here in my cana.”

“Your corner is not safe anymore, Grandma,” Lorna replied. “Nowhere is safe especially dat crosses net line oonuh wah fi put everybody in, an’ let mi tell yuh fram now, I only hope dem nuh want mi fi go on dat net to go on de plane, if nat so, an’ I do go, I hope is not line nor net dem want mi go on when I want to use de toilet because I take wata pill an’ need to use de toilet every minute. Every t’ing now all yuh hear bout is online or in de net,” said Grandma Hazel in a quarrelsome tone.

“Don’t worry, Grandma, nothing like that, remember I am going with you,” Lorna assured her.

Everything was well planned for Grandma Hazel’s trip. She kept this a secret from the neighbourhood people except for a few friends and the church group. She was afraid the news would get to the ears of people who would break into her house.

Grandma Nuh Easy At All © by Josephine Gooden. Excerpt printed here by permission of LMH Publishing.