“When a [wo]man falls in love with orchids, [s]he’ll do anything to possess the one [s]he wants…it’s a sort of madness.” — Susan Orlean

The chronic mental impairment suffered by “crazy plant ladies” (and men), Orchidelirium, was manifested in the 1880s in England where Victorian plant lovers coveted the tropical clime plants bearing charming, if not seductive, blooms which sometimes boast alluring fragrances. In the spirit of Bob Marley, they have a “natural mystic”and once it hits you, it hits you.

With the garden mystic blowing in the air, the Unlikely Gardener, having advanced from grass to easy-care plants and then on to ferns, decided that it was time to enter the graduate school of orchidaceae. With fond memories of time spent in a close “auntie’s” exceptionally beautiful Mango Walk garden in years past, she set her aspirational target extremely high.

Spathoglottis

Baby steps…the first orchid indulgence was the Spathoglottis, the ground orchid. The Unlikely Gardener, very excited to have acquired a good 50, soon learned that to the savants, though quaintly beautiful, the ground orchid was not much to write home about in terms of blooms. It is easy care and a good starting point. Like most easy-going plants, fertilise once a week and water two or three times a week.

My First Vanda Bed

As luck would have it, soon after the Spathaglottis acquisition, at a rather dismal party, I met the Orchid Doctor Betty Ashley. Within days, she did a quick assessment and we were on the road to my first orchid bed. We started with 50 Vandas. With a nod to the Orchid Doctor this is how it’s done:

1. Clear the designated space;

2. Dig down approximately 1 ft and a little bit;

3. Place approximately 6-inch layer of gravel;

4. Place Vandas on top of the layer of gravel;

5. Pour additional approximately 6 inches of gravel; and

6. Place coal on top of the bed.

The gravel provides good drainage and the charcoal absorbs heat, prevents fungus, filters toxins and retains some moisture/fertiliser, releasing as the plant needs.

This particular Vanda bed does get full sun and the plants, which came out of a shade house, had to be acclimatised with small palms partially shielding them from the sun for around five weeks. Typically, where there is an ideal national water commission supply, Vandas should be watered at least once per day for eight minutes and can suffer dehydration in cases wherein adequate water is not received. In terms of fertiliser, some gardeners swear by the “fertilise weakly weekly” mantra, others fertigate at a very weak strength daily or in three- or four-day cycles with a flush in between. Others fertilise at half to normal strength twice per week. I’m no expert as to which route is the best route and have tried all of those variations to include the inclusion of control release pellets.

Betty, an attentive and caring teacher, provides lessons on orchid care and visits my garden once per month for a health inspection and critique.

Orchidelirium

Once you contract orchid fever it seems to stay with you for life. In testament, within a span of four weeks, I moved from a Vanda bed to a Dendrobium bed to growing them on trees. Very, very quickly, I began hunting for different cultivars, fragrances and colours.

The Unlikely Gardener is obsessed with Vandas — loves them, needs them and buys them almost compulsively. I am working exceptionally hard on orchidelilrium suppression and only purchase plants from my orchid suppliers once a week or so. If I have 250 orchids, 150 are Vandas and no, to the penny section, orchidelilrium has nothing to do with my not yet having birthed a child! A dramatic symptom of Orchidelilrium is of course orchid entanglement which often involves hiding plants from the resident Chancellor of the Exchequer, support from my black ops team at delivery times for new plant concealment, and great denial whenever new orchid acquisitions are discovered. If observed by the Chancellor, every new plant “has been there for a while”and “is not new”. I thank him for his kind accommodation of my beautification project.

For the Unlikely Gardener, not withstanding the immensity of her growing love for orchids, like golf for some and politics for others: “Orchids have been a splendid sport” – Charles Darwin

Disclaimer 1: Deference to NWC — please remember that we are not allowed to water from the National Water Commission’s supply until further notice and we must comply.

Disclaimer 2: Every gardener has their own plant care formulae. What’s wrong to some is very right for others. The best advice regarding plant care would be to seek advice, read up as much as you can and then figure out what formula works best for you and your plants.