Expectation is the

Root of all heartache.

— Shakespeare

High expectations not achieved only prove to be most disappointing, so don’t pin your hopes too high on other people, is what Shakespeare is saying. But if you set the bar high and achieve that goal, what a thrill it brings.

Talking about thrills, there was this TV series many years ago, Mission Impossible, starring Peter Graves, that expanded to the movie franchise of the same name, starring Tom Cruise. It was action-packed, brought an adrenaline rush and was enjoyed by millions, as the stars overcame impossible odds and always won in the end. But movies being what they are, the star bwoy always accomplished his mission, made the impossible possible, and all’s well that ends well.

But that’s the movies, film show, (or as we say here “flim shoa”), illusions on celluloid taking us away to the land of implausibility, even for a few hours. We all knew that it was fiction, but what the heck, everybody know seh flim shoa lie but we love it just the same.

That being said, there are some things in life that are nigh impossible to fulfil and therefore become real life mission impossible for some people. And pray tell, what could that be, you may ask. Well, the biggest one is trying to please a woman 100 per cent, and to a lesser extent, trying to change a man.

In fact, the bigger of the two is the humongous task of completely pleasing a woman. Now, that’s a mission impossible that not even Tom Cruise could achieve in the movies. So what chance do mere mortals have in real life?

We’ll find out about mission impossible right after these counter punches to ‘Why men beat women’.

Hi Tony,

It seems that most women who allow their men to beat them lack self-esteem and self-confidence, while most men use the beating to show dominance and pleasure. I would say to these beaten women, karate is not needed, the men have to sleep sometimes, and there are blunt instruments in the toolbox that can be used against the abusers. Self-defence can be claimed afterwards. The other option is to have large brothers or other relatives who will come to their defence.

George

Hello Tony,

People always take the side of the women who are beaten, but I’m glad that you touched on why some of them suffer this fate. Some get what they deserve as they are aggressive and think that they can bully or spite men and get away with it. Not because they seem smaller and weaker means that they aren’t dangerous. The only way to curtail them is to lay on the hands, as that man in your article said. I’m not cruel but some of these women deserve the licks, and justice must be served.

Milton

I saw a story out of India recently where a woman sought to divorce her husband on the grounds that he did not fight with her. “The woman has approached a court for divorce just 18 months after her marriage. She claimed that her husband’s love was suffocating her. ‘He does not shout at me and neither has he upset me on any issue. He even cooks for me and also helps me in performing household chores,’ she told the court, adding, ‘He always agrees with everything I say’.”

Ah bwoy, no good deed goes unpunished, eh? Well, pat me on the back and give me the Nobel Prize or a Pulitzer or something, even two patty, a jelly Danish whirl and a box drink, for I have been saying this for years. It’s impossible to please a woman. No matter how hard a man tries, it’s never enough and he always comes up short.

Well, if he really comes up short and is never enough, in the physical department, he certainly won’t please her, but I’m not talking about that aspect of the relationship. I’m referring to the man who’ll go out of his way to do right by his woman, but she’s never satisfied.

“Honey, I cut the grass, washed the car, fed the dogs, cleaned the house, ironed the clothes.”

“You didn’t wipe your feet at the door.”

My findings were hitherto always based on research and also from listening to my male bredrins complaining. So this time I showed the newspaper article to the wife of my bredrin, expecting her to say, “Oh my, what a woman hard to please.”

But oh no, instead she closed ranks, drew on the female hormones, showed her gender bias and said, “That woman knows what she wants.” In the very same way that police and soldiers close ranks, form this impregnable defence, create this wall and protect each other, women do it also.

I was astounded, dumbfounded, stupefied, mystified, but alas, not totally surprised. I always knew that deep down the task of pleasing a woman was akin to mission impossible, and see it deh, that newspaper article simply put the icing on the cake, the varnish on the wood, the burnish on the boots.

Women always clamour for the perfect man, Mr Right, that knight in shining armour, but when he comes along and does all the right things, she wants more.

“So you ride in here on your horse, I’m not cleaning up nuh horse manure. Why didn’t you drive?”

I reflected on the old story about the husband store, where this store had numerous potential husbands inside for women to choose, each one more perfect than the other. Yet, many women spent hours inside, going from floor to floor, picking and choosing, nitpicking and niggling, only to ultimately reject every single potential husband, for even perfection was not enough. For the full story you can Google The Husband Store.

I cannot claim authorship for that story but I do endorse it, for history and my friends have proven it to be true. But it makes perfect sense, for it’s the flaw in the diamond that adds to its value. Nobody really wants perfection anyway, and that perfect man must be downright boring. “Yes dear, no dear, anything you say dear, here’s your tea dear.”

It’s the imperfection that adds to the appeal, not knowing if he has eyes for another pretty woman, having a spirited disagreement, fussing and making up, being a bit of a rogue from time to time, being a cowboy.

I know some wives of parsons, and they are bored beyond belief.

“Being a parson’s wife is not easy, you know. I have to live up to his perfection.”

Some of these wives bruk out as they got tired of the perfection. Just a few weeks ago the USA news carried this report of big-time evangelist Jerry Falwell Jr and how his wife was having an affair with the pool boy for over seven years. It’s reported that Falwell was aware of the affair and even condoned it. The pool boy even spoke on TV corroborating the story and confirming that the husband was in on the whole affair. Again, you can Google that story.

Unlike that Indian woman, she didn’t file for divorce but perhaps had her dalliance to satisfy her disdain for her husband’s perfection. This, too, I have been saying for many years: women marry gentlemen but cheat with rogues. In fact, there is a French quotation that says the same thing, but the translation is not fit for airplay.

As usual there’s a twist, and the irony is, there are many women who will take near-perfect men and try to mould them into their version of perfection, transform them into the man that she thinks he ought to be.

“Stop doing that, do this instead, drop those friends, don’t stay out late, change your wardrobe.”

When she’s finished with him, he’s finished…literally. So while it’s easier to try to change a man, it’s nigh impossible to please a woman. As for pleasing a man, nothing is easier, and smart women know this. Women just have to show up, show interest, bring beer, have sex with him regularly. Ah, life’s simple pleasures.

Few men want more than that. Oh yes, if she can cook, she’s the perfect woman, and his lordship is pleased. So if you want to be like Tom Cruise in the Mission Impossible movies and break your back trying to make the impossible possible, go right ahead. If you want to say all the right things, do all the right things, be Mr Nice Guy, never rocking the boat, go ahead.

But just remember that news story about that woman in India who left her husband because he was too perfect; remember the wife of evangelist Jerry Falwell Jr and the admitted affair with the pool boy; remember and take heed. Don’t attempt mission impossible, for good guys only win in the movies and no good deed goes unpunished.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: We keep hearing reference being made regarding being comorbidity and how it impacts on people contracting COVID-19. Basically, comorbidity is the state of having multiple medical conditions at the same time, especially when they interact with each other. Morbidity is the state of being sick or having a disease. People who are comorbid have a greater risk of serious consequences if they get coronavirus. The sad fact is, most people over a certain age have something wrong with them. Nobody is 100 per cent healthy but may just vary in their ailment — a touch of ‘sugar,’ mild hypertension and such. Even some young people have illnesses and are not aware. I have had friends die while playing sports and it’s only afterwards their illnesses were detected. We’ve seen many such stories. So I urge you all, act as if you’re comorbid and take this virus seriously. You might not know what’s lurking inside you.