Honest company, I thank you all,That have beheld me give away myself,To this most patient,Sweet and virtuous wife.— Shakespeare, The Taming of the Shrew, III, 2

This most patient, sweet and virtuous wife. How many men can say that about their wives, especially the part about being patient? Yes, wives do have to be patient, it has been said. But can most men admit that without being coerced, tortured, bribed, instructed? If you can, put up your hand, and not because your wife told you to either.

If you are sincere, then you are indeed a fortunate man. A good wife can be an asset to any man, and he who has such a woman should count his blessings and thank heaven for his good fortune.

But that sort of wife is not simply happenstance, or just drops from the sky or is conjured up by some magical wave from the hand of a sorcerer. Neither is she a wish granted by a genie. Indeed, such a wife is the product of an institution that has been around for centuries, albeit by different names and exists in formal or informal settings. Some are homeschooled, handed down from generation to generation by experienced wives who are wise beyond their years, while others are structured institutions.

Even in modern times there were TV commercials and books in the USA that promoted the teaching and schooling of wiving. Wiving, yes it is a word, and as Shakespeare said in The Merchant of Venice, ‘The ancient saying is no heresy, hanging and wiving go by destiny.’

Wife school is important, and we’ll see what are the benefits of such an institution right after these responses to ‘Wi-Fi world’.

Hey Tony,It seems that technology is developing so rapidly these days that ‘keeping up with the Jones is impossible, and if you try, it can leave you broke. I recall the days not too long ago when travelling and checking into a hotel, I would be provided with a cable connection in my room for use with my laptop computer. Today, while checking in, I would be provided with a keycard to my room and Wi-Fi password whether I need it or not. It seems Wi-Fi access is now everywhere, including on public transportation. What more can you ask for, until the new tool or toy hits the market.

Samuel

Teerob,You are so right, Wi-Fi has taken over the world and no longer is it food, clothing and shelter that are our basic needs. Can you imagine a world without Wi-Fi? Even in the deepest darkest recesses of the planet there are efforts to include Wi-Fi in their lives. First it was 1G, now it’s grown to 5G which some say is the final frontier. Whatever the outcome, Wi-Fi is the balm that soothes the souls of modern day Gilead.

Saul

There’s a humorous video making the rounds that shows these two guys talking. A woman enters the picture and brings one guy a beer and snacks then proceeds to massage his feet. The other man marvels at how perfect his friend’s wife is and asks him what is the secret. The proud, preening, pampered friend replies, “Very simple my friend, I sent her to wife school.”

Hey, don’t knock it, for even now there are finishing schools in Europe that are supposed to make your woman polished and more refined in order to succeed in the world. These schools are centuries old, were very exclusive, and claimed much success.

“My daughter is a bit rough around the edges, unrefined, unfit for marriage.”

“Don’t worry, just send her to finishing school and she’ll become sophisticated and suitable.”

Apart from those, there are schools of charm, plus other minor institutions designed to make young women more refined and be able to fulfil the needs of men. But back to that video that I mentioned. In it an attentive wife is shown catering to the basic needs of her husband, like feeding him fruit, clipping his toenails, shaving him and massaging his limbs. He goes on to explain that wife school transforms ordinary women into quality wives and has a specially designed curriculum.

The course includes: Stop spending so much money; How to be quieter; Putting his needs first. Other courses include the importance of boys’ night out; Don’t listen to what Oprah says; Infidelity: He can, you can’t; You own enough shoes; Learning to cook properly; Sex is not an option, it’s a requirement. The slogan is, ‘A better wife makes a better life.’

Now, you’re going to say that this is fantasy and living in la-la land and that the video was all done in good male humour reeking of chauvinism. But if you really think about it, there are many men who would absolutely love it if their wives were graduates of such a school.

“Attend wife school? I would love if my wife even took a few courses.”

But fun and joke aside, up to a few years ago there were film clips and newspaper articles that promoted the dictum of women being groomed for wiving. There was The Good Wife’s Training Video; 19 rules for keeping a happy husband; Wives in Training— The Ultimate Guide; The Good Wife’s Guide and Advice for Brides; How to be a good wife.

These are only a few of the literature that were available a few years ago, and I’m sure that they can be acquired upon request. Just check out YouTube and you’ll see them. In one of the manuals there is a list of things that a wife should do to make her man happy.

Among them are: Have dinner ready before he gets home, plan ahead; Prepare yourself, take time to refresh yourself before he gets home; make sure that the house is free of clutter, minimise the noise, don’t greet him with problems, he too had a hard day at work and doesn’t want to hear more crosses in his ears. Make him comfortable, listen to him, make the evening his. The goal is to try make the house a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

All this was taken from manuals written just a few years ago, and some men, if not most, wouldn’t mind if their wives would follow those rules of engagement. Of course, a sensible man would never admit to harbouring such fantasies, and would even berate people who had such archaic nonsensical thoughts.

“Imagine that, honey, they really expect the modern woman to behave like that?”

But deep down he thinks, “Oh Lord, I wish my wife had graduated from that school.” Hey, don’t knock it, the fact is, men do go to military school which invariably makes them into better men, especially those who attained the rank of officer.

Failing that, there is no need for husband school, for if you talk to many husbands they will tell you that they are schooled every day by their wives.

“Every day I am taught the ways of how to become a better man by my wife.”

In fact, many women make men their projects, as they mould them into exactly what they want to be.

“I got him rough, but when I’ve finished with him, he’ll be perfect,” gloat some wives.

Now, even if women didn’t attend wife school, their mothers would make sure to drill them with the basic rules of being a proper wife.

“Make him feel special, don’t backchat him, learn to cook, have sex with him even if you don’t feel like it, grit yu teet and bear it, but not too much, or him will get tired of yu.”

Homeschooling is not a new concept, and these include wife school. Alas, we live in the so-called modern age, and many women nowadays are averse to the very thought of being students of wife school.

“Say what, women being schooled to be better wives for husbands…you must be crazy.”

Nowadays many modern women compete with men for control of the house. They earn their own money and spend it accordingly. They work longer hours than the man, never cared much about cooking and can even live without sex.

“Stephen, why yu crying like that?”

“My wife dropped out of wife school and my life is a living hell.”

We live in a new world where women wear suits, earn gobs of money, own their own home and basically have no need of wife school. Sadly, many of them end up with no men in their lives. Now, the question is asked, is there a school for husbands — husband school?

If so, the curriculum would read: Keep your mouth shut; know when to bite your lip; Even when you’re right you’re wrong; “Yes dear” is the response to anything she says. As Shakespeare said, “Aye, there’s the rub.”

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: What is it going to take for people to start understanding the seriousness of this pandemic that we now experience? In spite of the rising positive cases and deaths, there are individuals who continue to act as if it’s business as usual. They have secret parties and other gatherings and even attack the police when they arrive on the scene. They arrive from foreign and refuse to quarantine, hopping from place to place with no care. What will it take to drive the message home?

On a sombre note, my heart was broken at the passing of Dr Valerie Royes, wife of Dr John Royes, after a brief illness. Dr Royes dedicated over 30 years of her life to helping the poor in the inner city and islandwide, offering free medical care. She truly was a wonderful human being. May she rest in peace.