Wretched in this alone,

That thou mayst take all this away,

And me most wretched take.

The only thing that makes me miserable

Is the thought that you might one day reject me….

And that would make me even more miserable.

— Shakespeare

REJECT me, say no to me? Hearing the word ‘No’ shoved in your face is never a pleasant experience and yet it’s such an important word, as it signifies that the person saying it does not want whatever is thrust upon them.

“Do you want this?”

“No.”

“Do you want me?”

“No.”

A very simple word with a powerful meaning, especially for women, for it can mean the difference between pain and pleasure.

For the person hearing it though it’s not very pleasant, for it means rejection and, as the quote above says, ‘It makes me miserable.’ Miserable is a very trite word, for that word no can mean so much more to men, and we all know that men do not take rejection very well.

“No, no. She told me no? Who does she think she is?” But it goes further, for that seemingly innocuous word “No” can have far-reaching and damaging consequences, depending on when and where it’s said.

As the old saying goes, “It’s not what you said, but how you said it, and when.” That can mean all the difference in the world, as we’ll discover while exploring whether no means no, or maybe so, right after these responses to ‘What men fear’.

Hi Tony,

As a senior citizen, getting older with decreasing health to the point of being incapable of taking care of myself regarding normal daily functions is now my biggest fear. I am aware of old people who cannot even feed themselves or go to the bathroom without assistance. I fear getting to such a point in my life. As for that prostate finger check, I always decline and my doctor never insists, instead opting for the blood test.

Raymond

Tony,

Men have a lot of fears and, as you rightly said, most are not physical, such as accidents or even dying. What they fear is a loss of their masculinity, their manhood, for without that a man is nothing. Death before dishonour, we say. Before people scoff, would they prefer to live a long life if they lost their manhood at age 25, in the prime of their sexual peak, or die? Think about that and you’ll appreciate that fear in men.

Peter

Ever so often a toddler growing up and experiencing the wonders of the world will be told “No” a lot. “No baby, don’t touch that“; “Don’t do that”, “No, put that down.” That word no is so important, for it can indicate to the infant what he or she should not do. It can be for their safety, for a stern no to touching that stove can be a lifesaver.

But hearing that word can also have a negative effect on the child, for in his world all that he hears every day of his life is no, no, no. And he may grow up with a sense of rejection.

It can also have a positive effect, especially if it’s a female, for it can save many a young girl from anguish.

“Come on, honey, just a little kiss.”

“Okay.”

“Come, baby, loosen yu blouse.”

“Okay.”

“Now, sweetheart, let’s go all the way.”

“No.”

That no puts the brakes on the entire proceedings, saving her from serious consequences and possible irreparable harm. But again, the timing of that no is so important. Perhaps if she had said no from the first request of a kiss, the guy would have got the message and known when to back off.

But to say okay at stages one, two, and three, then draw the brakes at fourth base may just be bad timing. Timing is everything. A man with unbridled passion has no brakes on his libido and is like a runaway train. So, after she’s got him all hot and bothered under the collar, anticipating untold pleasures, and then suddenly says no, that may just be a bit too much for him to take.

There’s a twist though, for sometimes women can be coquettish, coy, teasing, and say no when they really mean yes. It’s all in the punctuation. This is her when the man starts to kiss her and make his move: “Don’t, stop; don’t, stop; don’t, stop; don’t stop.” See, it’s all in the punctuation, but unfortunately most men aren’t paying attention to grammatical timing at that point.

“Cho man, she say no, but she nuh mean it. No mean maybe and maybe mean yes; a suh dem talk.”

Sadly, this has led to the downfall of many men who simply misread it when she said no. The trick is to read the room, as entertainers say before performing, try to figure out if she’s sincere about that no, and if you’re in doubt, stop.

Easier said than done, for if the man stops at the first no and decides to leave, he may be met with a rebuke.

“Why are you stopping?”

“You said no.”

“I didn’t really mean that, silly. Don’t stop.”

But if she declares, “I said no, read my lips, N O!!” Now, that’s clear and removes all doubt.

Some women play serious games though, but in all fairness others simply change their minds.

“I thought I wanted to go all the way, but changed my mind after that first kiss.”

There have been cases where women have actually invited men to their home, hopped into bed, hug up and kiss up the man, undressed, then at the last minute say no. Imagine driving at 80 miles per hour then the traffic light changes to red instantly without going to yellow first. No brakes can stop you.

As the saying goes, “That’s cruel and unusual punishment.” And yet, many men find themselves in that predicament. As a result, the man’s brakes fail him, he cannot stop, goes all the way and is slapped with a sexual assault or rape charge.

Then there are women who deliberately set out to get men in trouble by luring them like a siren entices sailors to their doom, knowing fully well what her cruel intentions are.

Agonisingly, the law stipulates that even if a man and a woman start to have congress, and during the act she says “No”, and he doesn’t stop, she can cry rape. Imagine, pumping away like a piston, then she says “No, stop.”

That’s why I think there should be different categories of rape. Now, don’t get me wrong, rape must be the most terrible violation that a woman or man can experience, but there should be degrees. If a man takes a woman violently, or drugs her against her will, then that is egregious rape and he should be punished to the full extent of the law.

But if a woman invites a man who she meets at a club, or in the park, back to her home, takes him by the hand, then cries rape when the man follows her lead, then that should be viewed differently.

I’m not saying that the man is not culpable, for it’s her right to say no at any time, but there are extenuating circumstances.

“I don’t know how it is where you come from, sir, but in this jurisdiction ‘No’ means no.”

“Guilty with explanation, your honour, is she drag me into the room at midnight.”

Some women have ulterior motives and use the law to sink many unsuspecting men. Do you remember the old song by Doris Day, Guy Is A Guy?

I walked down the street like a good girl should

He followed me down the street like I knew he would

Because a guy is a guy wherever he may be

So listen and I’ll tell you what this fellow did to me.

I walked to my house like a good girl should

He followed me to my house like I knew he would

Because a guy is a guy wherever he may be

So listen and I’ll tell you what this fellow did to me.

So I walked up the stairs like a good girl should

He followed me up the stairs like I knew he would

Because a guy is a guy wherever he may be

So listen and I’ll tell you what this fellow did to me.

I stopped at my door like a good girl should

He stopped at my door like I knew he would

Because a guy is a guy wherever he may be

So listen and I’ll tell you what this fellow did to me.

He asked me for a good night kiss

I said it’s still good day

I would have told him more except

His lips got in the way

Now, that song was from my father’s time but the words are significant. If she had said no at any time and the guy persisted he could’ve been charged with assault or rape. Happily the song ends with the words:

I walked down the aisle like a good girl should

He followed me down the aisle like I knew he would.

Because a guy is a guy wherever he may be

Now you’ve heard the story of what someone did to me.

So in that case, all’s well that ends well. But gentlemen, take heed, no means no, or maybe so.

More time..

sedo1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Touching on sports, it was amazing to hear the outburst from Chris Gayle in response to Curtly Ambrose’s assessment of Gayle’s inclusion in the West Indies T20 cricket team. Gayle “trace off” the man like a childish spurned teenager would. Ambrose said what most of us have been saying about Gayle’s lack of form and age, but added that he could also be an explosive batsman. But how dare he say anything about the self-proclaimed Universe Boss? The late Rex Nettleford was right about bhuttos and Benzes.

The Reggae Boyz put in a good showing but we are still the only country in the region with no spectators in the stands. How come?

Netball men playing against women?