DEAR COUNSELLOR,

I am totally devastated. I have been working at this place for four years, and I’m doing well career-wise. This guy kept coming on to me, but I’ve always told guys that I wouldn’t date at the office. But he told a friend of mine that he was really interested and would do anything to get a date as he saw me as his future wife. So, on my friend’s suggestion, I went out with him and realised we had a lot in common. We went out a few more times before we got intimate.

I’m devastated because since I slept with him he has ghosted me, and I don’t know why. He blocked me, unfollowed me on social, and ignores me at work. I don’t know what I did wrong, and I can’t even talk to anyone at work because I’m too embarrassed to admit that I made a mistake. I can barely focus because I have to see him everyday, and he has now been seen whispering in this intern’s ears, like this is a game. How does one get over something like this?

Thanks for joining in on The Couch. This pain you’ve experienced will not ultimately shut you down. You will get past it, and I perceive it will be a faint memory shortly. Be encouraged. It does not seem like you have done anything “wrong”. You may feel particularly impacted because you broke your rule of not dating co-workers. But know that you are on a path of growth and learning. You seem smart and busy about building a solid future, and that is excellent. This is an experience to add to your journal as you learn and understand people’s tendencies. For what it’s worth, know that many people have had to navigate their way out of similar hurt from bad relational situations. You too will navigate this one successfully. Recovering from a broken heart can certainly be challenging, but it is not impossible.

“Adulting” is about learning to deal with people and their demands, even while pursuing our own. As difficult as it is to hear, for some, this is the reason the Bible, in an effort to direct and protect individuals pursuing their best lives, indicates that sexual intercourse is only for after marriage. Because marriage includes making a vow, and often a document is signed regarding a commitment to the relationship. Getting “ghosted” is much harder after nuptials take place. Some may say it’s outdated and old-fashioned, but it remains a safe, prudent practice to observe. It also minimises exposure to sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), some of which are life-changing

My advice to you:

Understand what has happened: This fellow was after sex and not a long-term relationship. Some people are only after casual sex and do not want a full-time relationship. Chances are you will run into more people like this in your lifetime.

Forgive and forget this guy: You may have dodged a bullet with this insensitive, unkind fellow. Do not let the situation negatively impact your future. Forgive him – classify him as weak and immature. This experience must not hinder all the amazing ones ahead of you.

Remain professional: At work, be polite and respectful, even with him, as you put this all behind you. Ignore his immaturity and display your maturity.

Reset your parameters for dating: Yes, there are important safeguards to put in place when dating – determine your own again. Don’t depend on personal discipline to keep them either. Find proper accountability partners who can help you stick to them. Remember some of your friends will not have similar parameters and may seek to change yours.

You may have been devastated, but just as a building that’s being renovated seems like a total mess during its reconstruction, then later its final beauty is revealed, even so, you will soon emerge better and stronger.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.