It is the purpose

That makes strong the vows;

But vows to every purpose

Must not hold.

— Shakespeare

A vow, by definition, is a solemn promise to do a specific thing. Therefore a flippant, frivolous promise cannot be considered a vow.

“He vowed that he would fight to defend the honour of his family.”

Now, that’s a vow. But if he merely says, “Come close to me and I vow that I’ll kiss you.” That’s more like an idle promise or even perhaps a romantic threat.

But a vow has somewhat of a solemn, ominous tone and is meant to be taken very seriously. Maybe that’s why vows are made at the beginning of perhaps the most serious pact of all — a wedding. Oh yes, wedding vows have been recited for centuries and often drive the fear of God into whomever is taking them.

“Listen, I take my wedding vows seriously, yu nuh, so make sure that you’re ready for marriage.”

“Do you swear to take this man/woman to be your lawful wedded husband/wife to love, honour, and obey, through sickness and health, until death do you part?” “Say what, run that by me again, til debt we do part?”

I can’t think of any other vow that’s heavier than that, for it urges, suggests, implores, coaxes, asks, commands one person to commit to another until they die. Only death can eliminate that vow.

That vow has no fine print, no escape clause, no back door, no caveat, as only death can release you. No contract is heavier than that, and that’s why they’re called sacred vows, tinged perhaps with a tincture of volatility.

Volatile vows, that’s what we’ll be examining today, right after these views on what I had to say about ‘Oestrogen vs testosterone’.

Hi Tony,

I have noticed that female track and field athletes and swimmers have very little body fat with virtually no breasts and hips. They appear very muscular, and I assume that their training is what moulds their bodies and not testosterone. I wonder if those athletes were to counter by ingesting oestrogen, if breasts and hips would not be absent. But perhaps their lithe bodies are by design to be competitive.

Alan

Hi Tony,

It’s amazing how two hormones that are manufactured by our bodies can have such a profound effect on our lives and sexuality. What’s even more amazing is that both males and females are infused with both hormones, and not just testosterone for men and oestrogen for women. It’s the ratio of the mix that determines who we are. As Spock would say on Star Trek, “Fascinating.”

Beverly

Vows are not to be taken lightly, especially those that are taken in church in the presence of family, friends, parson and, most importantly, God. And yet some people just recite and take them flippantly, without even giving them a second thought.

As far as they’re concerned, it’s just a part of the wedding ceremony that they have to take and get out of the way, and is akin to reciting a nursery rhyme.

“Why are you taking the vow?”

“Because it’s a part of the tradition, like cutting the cake.”

There are some people in this modern era who don’t believe in the old-time traditional vows, but prefer instead to write their own. Many women take umbrage with the part that says, ‘Obey your husband.’

“I will love, and maybe honour him, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to obey him. After me nuh pickney.”

Are stringent vows necessary though? Should people have to adhere to a binding contract that has no caveat, no release clause unless someone dies? If two people truly love each other, why is it necessary to take vows to prove that love? Does a mother take vows to love her child, does a man take vows to love his dog?

It’s almost like signing a prenuptial agreement.

“I love you with all my heart, but I love my money and assets too, so sign this just in case.”

So let’s take the first part of the wedding vow, the part about love. That should be a no-brainer, for two people in love shouldn’t have to take a vow to prove their love. But love can be volatile. It was Nora Roberts who said, “I feel something for you, some dangerous thing, some volatile thing.” Plus, how can you vow to love someone until you die?

What if that person turns into a raging monster, a bully, a freak, an abuser who beats the hell out of you mercilessly every day? How can you love that person until death do you part? Unless it means your death by their hands.

Shouldn’t there be a clause that says, “Conditions apply” ?

“I promise to love him as long as he doesn’t change and become an abuser.

Or, “I promise to love her with all my heart, provided she doesn’t sleep with anyone else down the line.”

Some people take these vows so lightly that within six months of the marriage they are broken. Man get abusive, woman give bun, all hell pop loose with voracious volatility.

Then there’s the part about honour. Now, I’m of the opinion that people of honour are a dying breed, relics of a past civilisation, almost extinct like the dinosaurs.

“He’s a man of honour. What an idiot! Can’t he see that the world has changed and it’s every man for himself?”

And yet, those two individuals — a man and a woman about to embark on an uncertain future — vow to honour each other until death they do part. Most of them don’t even know what the word honour means. Let me refresh your memory.

Honour means high respect, great esteem. It also means the ability to know and do what is morally right. How many people can truthfully say that they honour and hold their partner in high esteem and with great respect? When you hear how some husbands refer to their wives and vice versa, it makes you wonder.

It would be great if honour was a main factor in the vows but sadly, that’s not true so some people just recite it by rote before parson because it sounds nice. If he honours and respects her, holds her in high esteem, he wouldn’t treat her like garbage, with such disdain, disrespect and abuse.

But conversely, if she felt the same way she wouldn’t sleep with his best friend. Honour used to be taken so seriously in some societies that people would commit suicide if they thought that they brought dishonour to their family or ancestors.

The Japanese are famous for this, and even now I remember two instances of dying for honour. One was when a Japanese Olympic athlete came second in judo and committed suicide afterwards because he brought dishonour to his people by not winning gold. And there was this Japanese restaurant owner who did the same thing because his meals had caused food poisoning to his customers, even though no one died.

Then there’s the final part of the vows, that issues the edict to obey.

“Obey? Obey who? Maybe back in the days of my grandparents but certainly not today’s generation.”

“Obey? I am not obeying any man. Parson, just take out that part out of the vows, please.”

As for the man, which man nowadays is going to obey his wife? Ooops, I take that back, for upon reflection that is the mandate of many men, to obey their woman.

“Roger, take out the garbage, feed the dog, pick me up from supermarket, come home early from work.”

More men obey their women than the other way around, so it’s easy for the man to recite those vows before parson. Do a poll, check out who tells the other what to do more — men or women? Is that why some women are called nags? So those vows, although often taken as a part of a ritual, can be volatile in the long run, as couples fail to maintain them.

There’s one vow that’s not written but maintained by many wives, I have been told by some men, and that’s the vow of celibacy.

“As soon as we get married the sex stop. I never know that she took those vows.”

But guess what? Despite all that, there are some people who actually renew their vows to show their love and commitment to each other. Now that’s real love that doesn’t need vows, and they have no volatility in them.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Recently the Jamaica Karate Federation sent its first-ever delegation — a three-person team of athletes Shafan Leslie, Amelia Stephens and Rasandra Evans — to the Junior Pan American Karate Championships and 10-day training camp held in Mexico. For some it was their first time travelling, first time participating in a venture of this magnitude. Youngsters that they are, ranging from age 12 to 16, they conducted themselves magnificently and represented us well. They are still in Mexico at the training camp which will do so much for their development. Much thanks to the Jamaica Olympic Association, Sports Development Foundation and McKay Security for invaluable financial assistance. Karate is not just fighting, but self-development and discipline for our children.