Is it not strange

That desire should so many years

Outlive performance.

— Shakespeare

That quote is so spot on and is akin to what the man said about outliving his penis. Same sentiment, just different words and from as far back as the days of Shakespeare too.

Since I touched on the subject of questionable rape last week, I have been bombarded with questions from numerous people asking not only about the topic but also about sex-related issues, such as sexual desire. Plus, many people wanted to know if rape is as a result of heightened sexual desire.

Well, even though rape does involve sex, the experts say that rape is more about power rather than sex. I guess the lines are a bit blurred, for you can’t have one without the other.

The fact is, it takes desire to perform, for without desire there can be no feelings of lust, wanting, yearning, longing. But what is desire anyway? The dictionary says: A strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

“I must have that woman, I have to get her out of my system, I am burning with desire.”

Just like other feelings, though, desire is relative, and the feelings that one person has for something may not be equal to what another person feels. This applies to sex as the sexual desire of one person may not be the same as that of another.

Even with young couples, the desire may not be the same, and that can lead to complications. When people decide to embark on a relationship, they better make sure that they have all their ducks in a row or they won’t get what the duck gets.

We’ll see how and why right after these responses to what I had to say about ‘Volatile vows’.

Hi Tony,

I believe the following vow, ‘Do you swear to take this man/woman to be your lawful wedded husband/wife to love, honour, and obey, through sickness and health, until death do you part?’ is Catholic and only the Pope can alter it. Most people in the Catholic faith try to abide by this vow, while many do not. Those who don’t and divorce from their marriage, having broken their vows, are not allowed to remarry in the church. That’s volatile.

Margaret

Hey Teerob,

Volatile vows indeed. It’s all poppycock, malarkey, and a bunch of silly words that mean nothing and are only what people say to make them feel better. It’s the same as New Year’s Eve resolutions or wishing on a star. They are meaningless mumbo jumbo, for if they weren’t, the separation and divorce rates would not be so high. It just goes in one ear and out the other and has absolutely no meaning.

Douglas

Desire can be a strong feeling, and sexual desire must be among the most powerful sensations of all. It may even surpass that of hunger or thirst and ranks a close second to the desire that women have to go shopping.

Yes, desire can be a powerful sensation and either you have it or you haven’t. Those who haven’t got it can never understand what other people who have it feel.

“What’s the fuss about, why is he carrying on like that? I don’t feel anything.”

Call it libido, longing, lusting, wanting, the fact is, it’s a burning sensation that’s like a fire that has to be quenched. It’s desire; men have it and women have it, although the jury is out on who has it more. The general feeling is that men have stronger desires than women, but perhaps that’s just because men tend to express it more.

Men will express it to their male friends: “Man, I want it all the time, it’s always on my mind.”

One study says that men think about sex an average of 19 times per day, while for women it’s 10 times. Hmmm, I wonder if that applies to Jamaica?

Women do have desire, but tend to keep it to themselves. Can you imagine a woman saying to her friends, “I’m horny all the time, I have to have it.” They would read her out of church and her friends would berate her. “Stop having those feelings, exercise self-control, you are possessed by the demon of sex.”

And so the myth of the low female desire is perpetuated. But who knows, maybe after centuries of suppressing it, that low libido became generational, and women became what they practised.

Whatever the reasons may be, real or imagined, the contrasting sexual desires of men and women can become a serious problem when it comes to long-term relationships. If the man has strong urges and the woman doesn’t, it can also be a problem, for he may feel unwanted, unloved, undesired.

Women tend to live with that scenario more than men, though, again, perhaps because of centuries of being conditioned to suppress those desires. The man, though, may seek sex elsewhere as that mismatched libido may prove to be a factor. In most cases of infidelity on the man’s part, he almost always says, “I wasn’t getting any at home so I had to satisfy my needs elsewhere.”

Although that could just be an excuse, for wives have told me that, even though they accommodate their man whenever he wants it, he still goes on the road to get more. It could be a case of qualitative satisfaction as opposed to quantitative. In other words, it’s not the amount but the quality of the goods offered.

Interestingly, women who do the same don’t usually utter the same sentiments, but often say, “I was feeling neglected and lonely so I sought companionship elsewhere. It wasn’t about the sex.”

Of course, there are exceptions, and some women will go with another man simply because their main man can’t satisfy them due to their strong sexual appetite.

Some men will take to drink to boost their nature, but that can be counterproductive. It was Shakespeare who said, “Drink, Sir, is a great provoker of three things… nose painting, sleep, and urine. Lechery, it provokes and unprovokes, it provokes the desire but it takes away the performance.”

What a bitter irony. No wonder women who are involved with drunkards have been known to say, “Him is a old drunkaready man, him can’t do a thing.”

A man takes great pride in his sexual prowess, it makes him feel as if he’s a complete man, that he has the feelings, the will, the wherewithal to not only desire but to also satisfy his woman. Take that away and he feels as if he’s less than a man, a zombie, a eunuch who is of no use to anyone.

Women with low sexual urges have no such sentiments.

“Oh, I can take it or leave it, if I don’t get it, I couldn’t care less.”

In fact, wives have told me that they’re glad that their men can no longer perform.

“I got tired of the harassment.”

This disparity in desire can cause major problems in relationships, and that’s why you can’t buy puss inna bag, sight unseen. You have to test drive that vehicle before you buy it. Caveat emptor, buyer beware. Now I know that some people will take umbrage with what I posit, and a few months ago a reader soundly berated me for suggesting that young men sow their wild oats and test the waters before they commit. I stand by my position.

Sexual desires are important, and if two young people wishing to forge a relationship have contrasting sexual appetites, then that’s a train wreck waiting to happen. You can’t just jump headlong into a relationship blindly, not knowing if you’re in sexual sync.

Of course, as you grow older that desire may change, but I’m referring to young, vibrant people. Imagine getting married and after the first honeymoon night the bride says, “Well, that’s my quota for the month.”

If they had tested the waters before, they would both know that desires differ and would not have taken that plunge. I know of more than one couple that suffered because of this incompatibility.

One man promptly called off the wedding when his fiancée told him, “I don’t really like sex.” Another wasn’t so lucky and married the vestal virgin, only to have to suffer through endless nights of celibacy until he couldn’t endure it anymore and left her.

But what happens when the woman has a strong desire and the man does not? All that I can say is, “Boss man, mi sorry fi you, you have to try and keep up or lose di wurk.”

Listen, don’t take it lightly, sexual desire is a serious component of any relationship. I never heard of any man having an affair with a woman because she was brighter than his wife. So either you gots it or you ain’t gots it. But if you ain’t gots it, stay far from someone who gots it.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Whenever I write about sex issues there are people who act as if I shouldn’t even mention the subject, as it’s taboo. Therein lies the problem. Sex education is essential, even from an early age, and children should be exposed to it by mature and trained people, including their parents, before they learn the wrong things from others in their peer group or on the streets. I spent many years producing HIV/AIDS television features for the Ministry of Health, and during my research I was amazed at the level of ignorance of even so-called educated adults. No one taught them anything, so the myths prevailed.