If only one good deed

In all my life I did,

I do repent it from my very soul.

— Shakespeare, Titus Andronicus

Well, they do say that no good deed goes unpunished, so I guess that it’s only fitting that you repent that one good deed that you may have done. But why repent, why feel remorse for something that you purposely did?

So many people are full of remorse, regret, guilt, and shame for things that they willingly and cheerfully did in the past. But remember, saying you’re sorry may not be enough, and as the old Jamaican ditty goes, ‘Sorry can’t buy soldier lorry.’

And yet, for every person who has those feelings there are 10 more who harbour no such thoughts. Oh yes, there are souls among us who have no regrets about anything that they did in the past, and given half a chance, they’d do them again.

But who’s to say that they are wrong? What’s the point of saddling yourself with the burden of all those emotions that do nothing but weigh heavily on your soul and press your shoulders down, like a millstone around your neck or an albatross on your back, a ball and chain around your ankles, an anchor that refuses to set you free?

To walk around with all that burden cannot be emotionally comfortable, so maybe those folks who have shed them have a good thing going and are on the right track to emotional freedom.

Or are they soulless ghouls who have no sense of emotional empathy for anything or anyone, no different from the wild animals in the jungle? We’ll find out more right after we see what these folks had to say about my take on ‘Men do, women choose’.

Hi Tony,

Some women may take too long in choosing and may lose the opportunity that comes knocking. Mister Right may come along, but his only fault may be that he is not a patient man. She takes too long to decide and, in the meantime, a woman who does, comes along who is Miss Right, and off they go to live happily ever after. Men do, and women too.

Miss Right

Hey Tony,

Women have to choose and not act irresponsibly but also have more to lose than men. There is more at stake when she makes that decision, for all it takes is a bad choice and she’s saddled with a reminder for the rest of her life. Meanwhile, the man who ‘did’ just rides of into the sunset on his horse, leaving her with the foal.

Karen

In the very high-profile case here, where a woman and her baby were brutally murdered, one of the accused men, after being sentenced to 30 years in prison, issued a statement via his lawyer pleading for forgiveness, saying how sorry he was, and appealing to the family of the victims to forgive him.

Call me cold, but I have no forgiveness in my heart for people who do these heinous acts then come bawling with remorse afterwards. Where was their heart before and during the slaying?

Nevertheless, he was remorseful, admitted guilt, and maybe even felt some shame for the pain that he inflicted on others. We’ll never really know, for crocodile tears are very real.

But there are people who harbour no such feelings and may come across as being cold. How often have you heard during murder trials, “The accused showed no remorse upon being sentenced and even smirked at the judge.” The jury is out on whether that’s a good thing or not, but when it comes to romance and relationships, I have to give it some serious thought.

Now, maybe I fall into that select category of people who have no regrets or remorse when it comes to relationships — good, bad, or ugly. I am of the view that we are all products of our experiences, and everything that we did in the past prepared us for where we are now and contributed to what we have become. But that’s just me.

Women may think a bit differently, for there are some who are filled with remorse, regret, guilt, and shame for what they may have done in the past. This manifests itself in how they constantly speak about their past relationships. They relive those terrible years and express deep remorse for having been involved with that past lover.

“I’m so sorry that I got involved with him, as those were the worst years of my life.”

“I am so ashamed that I cheated on him.”

“My guilt is haunting me, how can I ever forgive myself?”

All that and more I have heard from countless women who wear their regrets and remorse like a shroud that covers their faces and blocks the light from their lives. Maybe it’s gender-related, for many men harbour no such feelings.

“Yes, I slept with her best friend, and I’d do it again if I got the chance.”

“Why should I feel guilty, I didn’t force her to do anything.”

“So I cheated on her, but that woman was so hot, and man is man.”

You can see the difference between men and women when it comes to those emotions. Is it societal, honed to perfection over the centuries, or is it genetic, handed down by DNA from fathers to sons?

Perhaps men view relationships as a learning curve, a practice match, in which skills are burnished to perfection and each woman who comes along is an experience to prepare him for life’s challenges.

They do say that rough seas make the best sailors, so perhaps those tempestuous, turbulent, torrential tides that he navigated and then survived prepared him for things to come.

“Sure, I ran around, had my fun, used some and left others, but I have no remorse or regrets, it made me stronger.”

“If I had sat down and felt regrets or remorse for things that I had done, I wouldn’t know how to act now that I’ve settled down.”

As for shame, that does not exist in the character of many men, for I can’t recall hearing men express shame for what they did in past relationships, but I have heard many women express shame, especially when it comes to sex.

Yes, sex does bring shame to many women, who often regret having sex with too many men or with a particular man. Do your own poll, ask any female friend if she regretted cheating on her husband. Then ask your male friend the same question. Their contrasting answers may corroborate my findings.

“I am so sorry that I cheated on my husband, I feel so ashamed for he’s a good man.”

“Yes, I had a fling with my wife’s best friend, but yu know how it go already!”

“There are no regrets in life, only lessons.” — Jennifer Aniston.

“No pain is unbearable, except that of regrets.” — Ian Cox Spear

“In history as in human life, regret does not bring back a lost moment, and a thousand years will not recover something lost in a single hour.” — Stefan Zweig

So as you can see, many people hold no brief for remorse or regret, especially when it comes to relationships. We are all products of of our experiences, and we are here now, surviving life’s challenges because of them. That broken heart from your high school days, that lost love, that lover who rejected you, that woman who you dumped for another, that cheating episode, let them go and get on with your life.

Still, there are some things that should carry shame, such as physical abuse, as there is no excuse for that. If you are the perpetrator, you should be ashamed of yourself, and your regret, recrimination, and remorse should be heavy. Your guilt should run deep.

But, in general, life is a learning experience, and we should not dwell too much on the past with regret or remorse.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: The rains that we’ve been having came as a blessing and also a curse. We must be careful what we wish for, for when you pray for rain, expect to walk in the mud too. We have not seen so much sustained rain in many years, and mercifully the drought is broken. But for how long? There was damage to roads and some houses as this downpour was brutal. The biggest joke was when the Met Office announced that it had lifted the tropical storm watch, even as we were being battered by the rain. Cynics are saying that by February we will be experiencing water restrictions again. That’s because there has been poor water management over the decades. When I saw the millions of gallons of water running to the sea during the recent rains, my heart sank, for that water should be harvested for future consumption. But what do I know, I am no water expert. But, then again, who is, among the technocrats?