Dear Counsellor,

My husband of five years recently brought up that we need to experiment more, and told me his fantasy, which includes introducing another woman into our intimate space. I wasn’t OK with it at first, but I’m not a prude, and may explore it. As a marriage counsellor, how do you approach helping couples explore and incorporate adventurous or taboo desires into their relationship, such as role-playing or experimenting with new experiences while ensuring trust and respect are maintained? Also, what role do fantasies and desires play in a healthy marital relationship, and how can couples navigate discussing and fulfilling them together?

Different strokes for different folks. Your husband wants to try out including other parties in your sexual experience, and you’re considering it. Chances are someone reading this will relate well to this discussion you’ve had with your husband. You aren’t the only couple that have had the discussion. And I’d think it’s usually the husbands that initiate this conversation. Yes, different things appeal to different people.

Some husbands who’d raise this with their wives might fear that it would mean the end of their marriage, or the end of them, or that they’d never hear the end of it. And others feel free and fearless enough to propose these threesomes and all manner of other fantasies. Yes, the talk is fine. But while talk is fine and the pursuit of new experiences and new adventures in the bedroom with your spouse is good, exercising restraint is important. Not everything is expedient!

This is interesting: The
Bible in Proverbs 5:19 reminds husbands to be satisfied with the breasts of their “wife” alone. And Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is honourable among all, and the bed undefiled…” stating that sexual exploits between a “husband and wife”, that’s pure. But it then says, “God will judge the sexually immoral…” So then, having passionate and pleasure-filled sexual encounters with a spouse is highly recommended. But things like threesomes will end with calamity.

My counsel to you and other couples:

Be open to discuss your desires: Both of you should feel free to discuss sexual fantasies and not fear being judged or ridiculed. Deep intimacy requires true transparency — and deep ecstasy comes from having that deep intimacy. So be transparent, discuss what you want. It doesn’t mean you’ll always get what you want, but you must be free to talk about it. Discuss the pros and cons in a respectful way. I also recommend discussions on positions, places, new things (lubricants, powders, gadgets, etc). However, as a counsellor, I do not recommend:

1.Inclusion of others into the bedroom

2.Use of pornography

3.Swinging (spouse swapping)

Some things must be for your eyes only.

Be safety conscious: There’s a reason for, “Let her [your wife’s] breasts satisfy you at all times.” (Proverbs 5:19) Because the aim is safety, longevity, intimacy, and security. So while creativity and experimenting are good, your health is an important consideration. Including others in your sexual activity subjects you both to a variety of risks. It presents emotional, physical, and even financial risks. Measure sexual activity by: Is it safe? Is it healthy? Is it smart?

Role-playing can be helpful: This can enhance your relationship. Even in the bedroom “A merry heart does good like a medicine.” (Proverbs 17:22). I do recommend role-playing, for excitement and laughter. Sex should not be “matter of fact-like” and feel as though it’s “Let’s get to business. Chop, chop.” It should be passionate, purposeful, and also playful.

I certainly encourage couples to be creative, enjoy the opportunity you have to explore each other sexually. Statistics show there are health benefits to a good sex life. A healthy sex life means being happier, added life expectancy, etc. Feel free to contact me at
counsellorscouch.com for more advice on this.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.