Dear Counsellor,

I’ve discovered evidence that my wife has been having an affair for several months — with her boss. I’m livid, but she’s the sole breadwinner at this moment, as I’m in school. I am devastated and unsure of what to do next, and so I am seeking help to process my emotions and explore potential paths forward for myself and my marriage. How can I rebuild trust and navigate the emotional aftermath of my wife’s infidelity? She confessed that it only happened a few times, and says she will stop.

Okay, so you’ve confirmed that your wife was cheating with her boss, and you’re broken up about it. Understood! Finding this out about a spouse would be devastating to anybody. You’re fully permitted to be livid and feel devastated. But you’re not allowed to stay in that state. Yes, you’re probably quite disappointed and feel quite betrayed. And no, no one should contest your right to feel the way you do. And you’re absolutely right to want to process your emotions and move forward.

When anyone commits their heart to love someone, they automatically make themselves vulnerable. It’s the risk of being in love. And yet being in love is still a privileged experience and a wonderful opportunity. Yes, being “in love” is an awesome privilege. And as such the opportunity and privilege should be protected.

Now I can’t promise you thorough help within the limitations of this column. I’d suggest that you consider booking a session for us to talk through the situation further. My commitment is to humbly walk with and work with those that become my clients. However, I’ll do my best here to help you process things as you’ve requested.

My advice:

Recalibrate your perspective: Understand that no human being must “possess your soul” — we humans are way too fragile. What do I mean? I mean that no choice made by anyone should totally upend your life mentally and emotionally. Every person in your life must be free to make their choices, and their choices must not totally sink your ship. So be in love, be vulnerable, but don’t be irresponsible with your mind and soul. (See Proverbs 4:23)

Do strategic exercises: Do some mental exercises. Build inner strength through meditation, recital of quotes or scriptures, pray, sing, etc. Build your strength in order to cope with the situation and build resilience to deal with decisions you’ll need to make or decisions that she may also make. Internalise such sayings as, “My future is mine — and my future is fine!” Here’s a
Bible verse to help too: “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13) And, of course, physical exercise is useful for your mind too. Busy yourself with building yourself. Because your best is yet to come.

Take time away: Get away for a week or a weekend. The goal is to reset. This personal retreat should strengthen you for whatever comes next, whether you decide you want to walk away or work it through. And no one should fault you for making either decision. You’ll also need to be ready to accept it if your wife wants to move on with this man.

Talk with your wife: If you determine that you want to work things through, then an important discussion must be had. Ultimatums and boundaries must be set. Her remaining with that boss on the job really should not be an option. It may take time, but she should be planning to leave ASAP. You should also be urgently figuring out how to earn a living while you study.

I pray that you’ll be confident in whatever decision you make and that you’re healed from this hurt. And should you both be hoping to work things through, an accountability partner may be an imperative for rebuilding trust. Rebuilding trust usually takes work and time. You can consider touching base with
counsellorscouch.com.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.