Counsellor,

My husband has been taking gifts from other women, including women he works for, and although I’ve told him that I’m uncomfortable with this, he said he doesn’t see it as a problem. In his line of work he meets women all the time, and he doesn’t wear his ring, or let it be known that he’s married. In fact, he refers to me as his child’s mother, and only people who know that we’re married are aware of his true status.

There’s one particular woman who gifts him expensive items for birthdays and Christmas, and even Valentine’s Day, and he even lends her his car sometimes. She knows he’s married and he says she’s just a client. Other women will send him gift baskets and shoes, clothes, etc. I don’t suspect that he is intimately involved with anyone else, but his behaviour makes me deeply uncomfortable, even though he says I’m just being paranoid. What are your thoughts?

Your husband is too accommodating to other women, and you’re rightly uncomfortable. Where are his boundaries?! Whether we are disciplined or not, boundaries, like guardrails on stairs or roads, are for security. They prevent exposure to unnecessary risks.

Your husband must create and maintain boundaries with these women: No personal gifts, no unnecessary alone time, no wedding ring removal, no personal favours. He should be motivated and mature enough to adopt boundaries, especially because you’re uncomfortable.

I remind individuals that the Bible says in Proverbs 4:26, “Ponder the path of thy feet and let all thy ways be established”. This means carefully consider how you operate, so that there’s longevity to your happiness. Proverbs 6:26, “For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life”. In short, men can easily be set up by some women.

It is also unfortunate that some companies do not create policies that protect marriages. Their events and demands on married individuals often expose them to infidelity. Employers should facilitate consultations toward policies that protect marriages. It often falls to individuals to push against company culture to insulate themselves from the risk of infidelity.

Husbands and wives must protect each other. It is often thought that men are the sole protectors of the family. But a wife protects her husband from “the adulteress” that “will hunt” her husband. While this is not a licence for jealousy, insecurity, control, etc, I am encouraging you to keep protecting your husband. He benefits from your perception and protection. Do so prudently.

My advice:

Speak to your husband: Let him know he’s putting the family at risk. There really is no reason to remove his ring. Tell him if he does it, it’s as if he’s indicating that you are on your own. Also, personal gifts (shoes, clothing, colognes, etc) may really be unacceptable. He should put some space between himself and the lady giving Valentine’s Day gifts. Let him know you love him and want your marriage to last. Ask him what he’d think if you did these things with male associates.

Get help: If he doesn’t change, then stage an intervention with a trusted friend or family member. You could also book a counselling session. Don’t wait for the worst to happen before you reach out. You could consider giving him three months to demonstrate that he has deployed some boundaries. And if not, call for help.

Do not be afraid of being firm on these issues. Use compassionate words and tone. but be firm. I pray for the health and happiness of your home. Feel free to reach out for additional advice.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com