COUNSELLOR, My husband stays out at night and says he’s ‘working’, and recently we had a quarrel over something simple to do with our child, and he said he was done, and was leaving at the end of the month. This shocked me, because he has always said he wasn’t cheating, but is so quick to end our marriage over an argument. He is making plans for how we can split assets and do custody and visitation, all the while saying there’s no other woman, even though he started sleeping out all night. He says he stays at hotels. Do I have stupid written on my forehead, or is he obviously cheating and looking for a cop-out?

Your husband is seeking to end the marriage and you are shocked and wondering if he’s hiding something. Understood.

I am sorry that you are facing this challenge. I perceive you must be hurting. However, in order to gain clarity from your husband, it will require patience and strategy. If, in fact, he is also hurting from something said or done, making accusations without some evidence won’t help.

Oftentimes just a small adjustment can make a huge change to a marriage. A little patience can heal deep wounds. A little compassion can cause great joy and fulfilment. Many marriages that have sunk could have been saved if both parties were patient and willing to make minor adjustments that cause major effects.

Also, it is unfortunate that many men are not afforded the courtesy of being listened to or having their feelings considered. I am not saying this is your case. But what is often apparent for men struggling with challenges is that they occasionally do not get the patience and compassion needed. They often do not get the help they need to deal with depression, anxiety, or stress. Yes, an argument can be the final straw that breaks a husband down.

Just in case your husband is or was hurting, if possible, afford him an opportunity to say what’s happening. Create a strategic setting that he can feel he’s being heard. He may then be willing to open up and share what is truly happening. Yes, he may even confess to infidelity. It’s possible. But if you’d like to hear the full truth from him, you’ll have to give him the condition to share. And when he does open up, be very prudent about what you say and how you say it. Or he may not open up again.

The
Bible says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” Proverbs 15:1. That’s a rule many need to remember. Choosing soft words, even in difficult discussions, can make a world of difference. You’ve said that a quarrel caused him to say he was leaving at the end of the month. That’s unfortunate. But, yes, a quarrel can cause a man to throw in the towel. Remember, men need to feel respected. They will often seek out peace and respect, even if it means walking away from their home.

I do say to men who are feeling overwhelmed, walk away indeed! Seek out help! Seek out peace! Never lose control! The
Bible recognises that improper communication can cause relationships to come to an abrupt end. It says, “It is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and an angry woman” — Proverbs 21:19. So, for men, it can be better to walk away. If their mental health is seriously in question, pack it up, throw in the towel, wave goodbye!

I suggest that you try to give your husband a setting to speak. Be patient with him. And if possible, book a counselling session alone or together. And I pray that you both will have peace, and that the rest of your lives will be the best of your lives.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.