There’s a very specific type of exhaustion that comes from dealing with low-effort men, and it’s not dramatic. It’s not loud. It’s the kind that creeps in slowly until one day you realise you’re doing all the thinking, all the planning, all the emotional labour, and somehow still being told you’re “too much”.

And, unfortunately, this isn’t some rare experience. It’s common. Almost expected. You meet a man, things start off okay, and then the pattern reveals itself. He texts, but it’s dry. He says he wants to see you, but never actually plans anything. He claims he’s “busy”, but somehow always has time to scroll, post, and watch your stories. You’re left filling in gaps, making excuses, and lowering your expectations just to keep things going.

I’ve had conversations that felt like interviews because I was the only one asking questions. I’ve had men say, “We should link up” three, four, five times with no actual plan behind it. I’ve watched men put more effort into arguing on social media than they do into maintaining a simple connection. After a while, it stops being confusing and starts being insulting.

This is what people don’t talk about enough: Low effort isn’t always loud disrespect, it’s subtle neglect, it’s inconsistency, it’s showing just enough interest to keep you around, but never enough to build anything real.

And, somehow, women are still being told to be patient with that.

There’s this narrative that men are just “like this”, that communication isn’t their strength, that they show love differently. But that logic falls apart the second you watch a man actually care about something. Whether it’s his friends, his hobbies, his career, or even another woman, suddenly the effort appears. He can plan. He can communicate. He can be consistent. So it’s not that he can’t. It’s that he won’t — at least not for you.

This realisation changes everything. Once you understand that effort is a choice, you stop romanticising potential. You stop waiting for someone to step up. You start looking at what’s in front of you instead of what could be. And what’s in front of a lot of women right now is men who are comfortable doing the bare minimum and still expecting full access to your time, your body, your energy, and your future.

And that’s where the conversation about having children comes in.

We don’t talk enough about how much trust it takes to decide to have a child with someone. That decision isn’t just emotional — it’s practical, it’s financial, it’s psychological. You’re not just choosing a partner; you’re choosing a co-parent. Someone you’ll have to rely on when you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and stretched thin. Someone who should be able to carry weight when you can’t.

Now imagine making that decision based on the same man who can’t plan a date, who disappears for hours without explanation, who avoids serious conversations, who only shows up when it’s convenient for him.

That’s not just risky, that’s irresponsible.

There’s a reason birth rates are declining globally, and it’s not just about money or career ambition. According to data from the World Bank and various demographic studies, fertility rates have dropped significantly in developed and developing countries alike. In the United States, for example, the fertility rate has fallen below the replacement level of 2.1 births per woman, sitting closer to 1.6 in recent years. Similar trends are happening across Europe, parts of Asia, and even the Caribbean.

People love to blame women for this. They say women are too independent, too focused on careers, too unwilling to “settle down”. But what’s often left out of that conversation is the quality of partnership being offered.

Because the question isn’t simply: Why aren’t women having more children? It is: Who are they supposed to be having them with?

If the average experience is dealing with men who lack consistency, emotional intelligence, accountability, and long-term thinking, then opting out starts to make sense. It’s not about hating men, it’s about refusing to sign up for a lifetime of imbalance.

I’ve seen what happens when women ignore these red flags. It doesn’t magically get better after a baby is born. If anything, it gets worse. The same man who couldn’t show up for you in a relationship often won’t suddenly transform into a present, responsible father. You end up doing the majority of the childcare, the scheduling, the worrying, the sacrificing, while he “helps” occasionally and expects praise for it.

And that word — “help” — is part of the problem. Parenting isn’t something a man should “help” with. It’s something he should be fully responsible for as well. But low-effort men don’t think this way. They participate when it’s convenient and disappear when it’s not.

So when I say I’m not having a baby for a low-effort man — it’s not bitterness, it’s logic. Why would I willingly tie myself, legally and emotionally, to someone who has already shown me they struggle with basic consistency? Why would I take on the physical and mental demands of pregnancy and motherhood while also compensating for someone else’s lack of effort? That’s not a partnership, that’s a burden. And more women are starting to see it this way.

There’s a shift happening, whether people want to admit it or not. Women are becoming more selective, more observant, and less willing to tolerate mediocrity disguised as normal behaviour. They’re asking harder questions earlier. They’re walking away faster. They’re choosing peace over potential.

And, yes, that directly impacts birth rates, because having a child is no longer seen as something you just do because it’s expected. It’s a deliberate choice, and for many, that choice now comes with a higher standard for who they’re willing to build a life with.

If that standard isn’t met, the answer isn’t to lower it. The answer is to opt out. This might sound harsh, but it’s honest. The truth is low-effort men aren’t just affecting relationships. They’re affecting long-term societal patterns. When a significant number of women decide that the available options don’t meet the standard required for something as serious as parenthood, they don’t compromise, they withdraw. And, honestly, can you blame them?

At the core of all this is a very simple idea: Effort reflects value.

If a man can’t show up properly in the early stages — when things are easy, when there’s no real pressure, when all he has to do is communicate and be consistent — then what exactly is he going to do when things get hard?

This is the part no one wants to answer. So, no, I’m not having a baby for a man who can’t even maintain basic effort — not out of spite, but out of self-respect; not because I don’t believe in family, but because I do, and I understand what it actually requires. And if that contributes, even in a small way, to declining birth rates, then so be it.

The real issue isn’t that women are choosing less, it’s that they’re finally refusing to settle for less.

courtanaewrites@gmail.com

Nowadays, less women are opting to have children.