A friend in need of benefits
Counsellor, I have been in a relationship for two years, and have a close female friend who I have known since prep school. My girlfriend was initially uncomfortable with the relationship, but I eased her fears. Anyway, my friend just got out of a relationship, where the guy cheated, and one night she told me that she is developing strong feelings for me. As we have always done, I provided a shoulder for her to lean on, but this time, she kissed me and said she has always loved me. I rejected her, but if I am to be truthful, I also have an attraction for her. I don’t want to lose focus in my actual relationship, and don’t want my girlfriend to know that she was right, especially since my friend and my girlfriend have gotten somewhat close over the years. What do you suggest I do?
You have realised that your friend has romantic feelings towards you, and you towards her. Yet you are in a committed romantic relationship with someone else. Understood. Integrity and clarity are important. Avoiding a battle with inner conflict and confusion is always prudent. William Shakespeare wrote, “To thine own self be true”. It’s a line from his play
Hamlet. It means be honest with yourself so that you can be honest with others. Yes, plan to settle this issue decisively.
Now, though you are in a relationship, you aren’t married. You still have a choice. Determine if this relationship with your girlfriend is really something you want for the long-term. Marriage is what’s most binding. Courting is not absolutely binding. You have the space to freely assess things to determine who is best suited for you. Don’t feel guilty about it. Be true with your feelings. Be true to your girlfriend. Give yourselves the best opportunity for a stable future. I suggest you choose!
Use both your head and your heart when choosing: Weigh everything wisely. Consider these things in particular:
Support: Which of the two is most likely to stand with you in pursuit of long-term goals? And which of the two will most likely meet your sundry needs for affection, attention and admiration? And which of the two would you most want to support with their needs?
Goals: Who does your vision of the future most align with? Who can you best find synergy with? Whose plans are you most excited about? And who’s most excited about your plans? Whose values and ambitions align most with yours?
Maturity: Which of the two has their head screwed on most? Who’s most decent, reasonable, practical, responsible and accountable?
REV CHRIS BRODBER.
Integrity: Who’s most transparent and honest? Who will tell you the truth even in difficult situations? Who is most likely to stick to their convictions and commitments?
Camaraderie: Who do you have the best chemistry with? Who can you best be yourself with? Who are you most excited to tell the events of your day? And who do you most want to hear from?
Notice, it’s important not to only choose on the basis of the “better shape” or looks, or “trivial” issues. When life’s challenges come at you, substance is what will stand strong.
As you make your choice, bear in mind that your friend could simply be on the “rebound”. She may just be feeling lonely right now. Also, bear in mind that you preferred her to be a “friend” for a long time and not a romantic partner. If you choose to stay with your girlfriend, you’ll need to strategise how to put distance and boundaries between you and your friend. And vice versa. Make your choice and then be disciplined and committed. And I pray that the rest of your life will be the best of your life.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
