LADIES, let’s have an honest conversation about that ex who just will not stay in the past. You broke up. Maybe you cried, healed, prayed, got yourself together and finally started moving forward. Then, just when you think you are doing well, here he/she comes again.

A text message. A phone call. A birthday greeting that somehow turns into a two-hour conversation. Then the familiar question: “Do you think we could try again?”

Now you are confused because part of you remembers why you loved him/her, while another part remembers exactly why you left. So what do you do when an ex refuses to stay in the past?

First, decide whether you actually want the person back.

This sounds obvious, but it is not. Sometimes we confuse missing someone with wanting the relationship back. You can miss the companionship, the memories, the intimacy or simply the person you were when you were with him without wanting the relationship itself.

Ask yourself why the relationship ended in the first place. Was it incompatibility? Infidelity? Emotional immaturity? Lack of commitment? Disrespect? Different values? If those issues remain unresolved, his return does not mean the relationship has changed. Remember something I often tell women: Do not fall in love with potential. Look at reality.

Second, stop giving him access to you if you have no intention of getting back together. You cannot tell someone you are finished while continuing to answer every late-night call, meet for lunch, reminisce about the past and allow emotional intimacy to continue.

That is not closure. That is an open door. If you know the relationship is over, establish clear boundaries. You do not have to be rude, but you do have to be clear.

Third, watch his actions, not his words. “I have changed” is easy to say. “I realise now that I made a mistake” is easy to say. “I still love you” is easy to say.

But has anything actually changed? Have they taken responsibility for what went wrong? Have they addressed the behaviour that damaged the relationship? Have they sought counselling or made meaningful changes? Are they demonstrating consistency?

Words can reopen a door that actions have not earned.

Fourth, do not allow loneliness to make the decision for you.

This is where many women get into trouble. You have been single for a while. You are tired of dating. You have not found anyone else. Suddenly, the familiar man from your past appears, and familiarity begins to look like destiny. No, ma’am.

Familiar does not always mean right. Sometimes we return to what hurt us simply because it is familiar and being alone feels uncomfortable. Remember that closure does not always require reconciliation.

Sometimes the greatest closure is accepting that something ended because it was supposed to end.

You can forgive someone without taking them back. You can appreciate the good memories without recreating the relationship. You can wish them well without giving them access to your life.

If the person has genuinely changed and you are considering reconciliation, take your time. Do not let chemistry rush you into a decision that wisdom would question.

The person you have become since the relationship ended deserves a voice in this decision. You are not the same woman/man who entered that relationship.

So ask yourself: Has he/she changed? Have I changed? Has the situation changed? Can we build something healthier this time? Because sometimes the ex who keeps coming back is not a sign that you should reopen the door. Sometimes it is simply a test to see whether you have finally learned why you closed it.

Marie Berbick-Bailey is a certified master life coach, women’s transformational coach, ordained minister, author, motivational speaker, wife, mother and big sister dedicated to empowering women to heal, thrive, and walk in purpose. Connect with her at www.marieberbick.com, www.marieberbickcoach.com, or e-mail marieberbick@gmail.com.