WHAT do you do when you realise your husband is surrounded by friends who are womanisers? Sometimes the warning sign in a relationship is not something your man has done directly. Sometimes it is the company he keeps.

You meet a man who seems respectful and serious about you. He says all the right things, treats you well, and appears to have good intentions. Then you meet his friends.

One has a different woman every other week. Another is married but constantly talks about women outside his marriage. Another thinks cheating is funny and has a story for every woman he has been with.

And suddenly you start wondering: “What kind of man am I dealing with?”

It is a fair question.

Can a faithful man have womanising friends? Yes, he can. We all know people whose choices are different from our own. Having a friend who makes poor decisions does not automatically mean you approve of those decisions.

But let’s be honest: the people closest to us can reveal something about our values, our boundaries and the behaviour we are willing to tolerate. So before you become too emotionally invested, pay attention.

1) What does he say about his friends’ behaviour? This is the first thing I would look at. Does he laugh when his friends talk about cheating? Does he encourage it? Does he say things like, “A man has needs,” or “That’s just how men are”? Or does he make it clear that he disagrees?

There is a difference between having a friend who makes bad choices and being the friend who helps him make them.

A man does not have to approve of everything his friends do. In fact, sometimes character is revealed by what you are willing to challenge in the people you love.

2) Does he participate in the culture? If the men regularly go out together and the entertainment involves chasing women, picking up women, speaking disrespectfully about women or covering for each other’s infidelity, you have to ask yourself what your man is participating in. Don’t only listen to him say, “I’m not like my friends.” Let his behaviour prove it.

Watch what he does when he is with them. Does he join in the conversations? Does he hide things from you? Does he become a different person around them? Those details matter.

3) Does he have boundaries? A mature man understands that friendship does not mean following people into everything they do. His friends may drink. He does not have to. His friends may cheat. He does not have to. His friends may disrespect women. He does not have to.

You are looking for a man who can say, “That’s not me,” and mean it.

If he is afraid to stand apart from his friends because he wants to fit in, that should concern you. If he cannot establish boundaries with his friends, what happens when another woman starts crossing boundaries with him?

4) Does he protect your relationship when you are not around? You will not always be there. You will not hear every conversation or know who approaches him. That is why you need a man whose character travels with him.

If his friends say, “Man, nobody has to know”, what does he say? If a woman gives him her number, what does he do? If his friends invite him somewhere he knows could compromise his relationship, does he go anyway?

You cannot monitor a grown man into being faithful. Faithfulness has to come from within.

5) Don’t try to change his friends, watch your man. Ladies, don’t assume that marriage will automatically change his friendships or habits. You should not enter a relationship thinking you are going to become his rehabilitation programme. Get to know the man as he is, not as you hope he will become. Look at his character. Look at his choices. Look at how he treats women when nobody is watching. Most importantly, look at whether his life matches the values he claims to have.

So, can you trust a man whose friends are womanisers? Possibly. Having womanising friends does not automatically make him a womaniser. But if he celebrates their behaviour, participates in it, covers for them, enjoys the same lifestyle and becomes defensive whenever you question it, don’t ignore what you are seeing.

You do not need to accuse him or compete with his friends. Pay attention.

Sometimes we spend so much time listening to a man’s promises that we overlook his patterns. And patterns tell stories. A good man does not need perfect friends. But he should have enough character to know when their behaviour crosses a line — and enough backbone not to cross it with them.

Marie Berbick is a certified master life coach, women’s transformational coach, ordained minister, author, motivational speaker, wife, mother, and big sister dedicated to empowering women to heal, thrive and walk in purpose. Connect with her at www.marieberbick.com or e-mail marieberbick@gmail.com.