Don’t fight back!
“THE course of a conflict is determined by the person who responds, not the one who initiated it. Your spouse can start a fight, but they can’t have a fight with you if you don’t fight back.” This was a powerful takeaway for me from Grace Family Church’s exceptional marriage seminar led by visiting pastor Rob Flood and his beautiful wife Gina on October 15.
But how do you not respond? Or rather, how do you choose not to respond to fire with fire? If a woman is in a conflict with her husband in which she feels like his words are like stones being hurled at her, how does she not respond with her own stones?
Well, before we even attempt to answer that question, let’s make one thing clear, if they were actual stones or other kinds of abuse, the first thing to do is to get out of that situation, get help, and perhaps call the police. But if it is a normal interaction in which your partner’s words are on a sure path to escalate into a verbal fight if you respond in the same way, how do you stop yourself? Better yet, how do you respond with a soft answer?
Gina Flood underscored it throughout her presentations during the seminar — we have to get help from the Holy Spirit. Sometimes, you may want to stop and pray right then and there after the unfortunate words escaped from your partner’s lips so that you don’t yield to the temptation to respond in the same manner. Indeed, we need the spirit to access the wherewithal and the power to apply grace in these moments.
“For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.” (2 Corinthians 10:4). No, you are not in physical war with your spouse, but sometimes an argument can very much feel like a battle, and it is good to know that we can access divine power to fight for the relationship. With the power of the Holy Spirit, a spouse can consciously and intentionally decide to respond at the get-go with a “soft answer” and “turn away wrath” when two people are committed to living for Christ.
In addition to the admonition to being led by the spirit before responding, Pastor Rob and Gina offered helpful communication tools to help put you and your spouse in a unified position. Here are a few of them:
1. The tool of physical touch. Here the Floods are not talking about sexual touch. Instead, they referred to affectionate touch, such as the holding of hands. Make it a habit to use physical, affectionate touch when having purposeful conversation. When you move away physically during conversation it may be a physical clue that something is not okay. Of course, none of this works if you are trying to win a conversation but rather you must be unified and be on the same team.
2. The tool of mirroring. Repeating what the other person says can be helpful. For example, the listening spouse may say: “So, what I’m hearing you say is that you feel that…” Practising mirroring can enable the couple to ensure understanding before proceeding so that they don’t end up wasting time and energy arguing about something that wasn’t the issue in the first place.
3. The tool of proper timing. It is possible to say the right thing at the wrong time. Pastor Rob, for example, encouraged couples to give each other time to unwind when reuniting at the end of the day. “I should never assume the woman I left at 7:30 am is the same woman at 6:00 pm. Give each other 15 minutes when you reunite in the evening,” he counselled.
Applying these tools require intentionality, thoughtfulness, and a commitment to being on the same team and honouring God. In fact, these tools are not only great for marriage but also for other worthwhile godly relationships or friendships.
In all of this, it is also good to just be people who build up with our words on a regular basis. “We should give grace with our words,” the Floods emphasised. This is indeed a wise investment in any relationship because it is easier to have an uncomfortable or difficult conversation if as a person you had a habit of consistently sharing the good things so that you have the platform for sharing the bad.
What are some of the other tools you use to resolve conflicts and build unity in your relationships? Send me an e-mail: familyandfaithmagazine@gmail.com
Passionate about faith and women empowerment, Shelly-Ann Mair-Harris has served on the board of women’s rights organisations and is the author of several publications, including God’s Woman and The Goodies on Her Tray. A woman of faith for several years, Shelly-Ann is the creator of Family and Faith Magazine and Women & Faith. She is also a podcaster, an awardwinning playwright and poet as well as a trained and experienced media, marketing, change-management and strategic communications professional.
