Wife is a cold fish
DEAR COUNSELLOR,
My wife is a cold fish who refuses to be intimate with me, hug me, or kiss me. When she does allow intimacy, which is very, very rarely, she acts like it’s the worst thing ever, and like she can’t stand me. This has killed my confidence. I don’t want my marriage to end, and each time she gets a whiff that another woman is showing interest, or each time another woman does something friendly for me, that’s when she gets up in her feelings and treats me well for a few days, then it’s back to square one. She’s an Aquarian if that helps. I don’t want to continue living like this. By the way, I’ve talked to her numerous times, and each time she says she loves me, and acts like she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. It wasn’t always like this, when we were dating and the first couple years it was pure fire and steamy. I reckon she’s bipolar.
Listen, many men who will read your letter can identify with you, at least in part. The issue of having challenges with a sex life in marriage is not unique to you at all. But let’s use some scripture to understand this better: The Bible in 1 Corinthians, chapter 7, speaks to this issue of sex in marriage clearly. It says in verse 5, “Defraud ye not one another,” referring to the issue of denying a spouse sexual intimacy. The Bible considers it FRAUD when sex is denied by a spouse. Why? Because marriage is about making a commitment to intimacy, and that includes sexual intimacy. Refusing to be sexually intimate with your partner is a transgression against God, the spouse, and the marriage vows.
However, let me also hasten to say that husbands in your position must do a self-analysis. Pause to consider the possibility that you may have DEFRAUDED her first. As I said, marriage is about making a commitment to intimacy, that’s not just sexual intimacy. To deny a wife acts of tender care is also defrauding her. The Bible in the same book and chapter mentioned (1 Corinthians 7:3) says, “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence.” Treating a wife with love, respect, kindness, and honour is her DUE BENEVOLENCE. So understand that many women may withdraw sexual intimacy if acts of kindness have been withdrawn from them. If they find that they are being defrauded of other forms of intimacy, they may choose to withdraw from sexual intimacy. Therefore, make sure you’re not defrauding each other.
My advice:
Don’t jump to conclusions: There are many reasons she could be unavailable sexually. There could be a matter of her health or a matter of hurt and unresolved issues. Do not think she doesn’t love you or want to be with you. It is good that you want your marriage, therefore make every effort to salvage this blessing you have been afforded.
Take her on dates: She deserves your every effort to stabilise things. Don’t give up on her or your marriage. Try to make her feel special again by taking her out for dates, and see if she’ll want to talk about anything bothering her. Note: You’re not trying to use the dates as an opportunity for sex. It’s about letting her feel loved and cared for again. Dating your spouse is very powerful. It has the power to reignite and increase lost flames.
See a counsellor: Schedule a few sessions for both of you to discuss how you feel, individually, then schedule sessions together. You can book sessions online at www.counsellorscouch.com. I’d also recommend you both watch Mark Gungor’s video A Tale of Two Brains on YouTube. It’s very informative and could be very helpful.
I pray that the fire of romance returns to your marriage and that you both will find great satisfaction in each other’s arms.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
