The heart wants what the heart wants
Counsellor, The father of my three children broke up with me and went back with the ex who he had left to be with me.
Now they are planning to get married, and he says he’s marrying her because they’re more compatible and she makes a better partner in a business sense, but he wants to maintain what we have.
He says he still loves me, and the plan is that he will eventually leave her and come back. In his head, he is planning his future wisely. He says she has a lot to offer, and the investment is worth it, but the ‘heart wants what the heart wants’.
He says he has told her that I have his heart, and she is ok with that. What can I do to move on? You are caught in a love triangle, and you want to figure your way out of it. Understood.
It is good that you’re asking what you can do to move on, because “move on” you must. It is amazing what positions some folks feel empowered to take and expect it to be accepted, and without consequence.
It is good that you understand the importance of moving on. Your children need stability, not the confusion being offered.
You don’t have the luxury of vacillating with this. Your children will need you to be clear-eyed about what happens next.
You’ll have to be decisive about securing your future. Your mental, physical, and spiritual health requires you to embrace your new reality with clarity.
Gaining clarity is one of the most powerful experiences anyone can have. This situation is forcing you to gain some clarity.
Do this simple exercise: Write these words down: “The rest of my life shall be the best of my life.” Then find three places to post it.
Consider posting it on a fridge door, bathroom mirror, bedhead, a wall, or digitally on a device.
The exercise helps you to confront and combat the ‘noise’ you’ll probably hear in your head, those thoughts that could weaken your drive and confidence.
For at least two weeks, read the note to yourself out loud whenever you see it. Because being optimistic about your future is the start of a better future.
He has chosen his path; now make up your mind to be resilient and chart yours. The Bible says, “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.” (James 1:8).
You can’t afford to be double-minded, and you can’t afford to ‘hitch your wagon’ to an unstable, wavering person, even if he’s the children’s father.
My advice: Speak to him: Without showing much emotion, be clear about not accepting the plan to “eventually leave her and come back”.
Think through what support you’ll need from him for the children, and make it clear. Explain what the boundaries are, including his loss of access to you and your assets. Don’t explain your plans in detail.
Don’t be acrimonious; remain amicable and courteous. But be firm and clear. If he’s absolutely remorseful and repentant, then schedule a counselling session before making any decision.
Speak to your children: Explain that things have changed. Don’t get emotional; speak to them when you’re composed. They may need your help not to become resentful toward him.
Your objective isn’t to malign him; it is to inform, comfort, and reassure them. Get them help if needed.
Speak to family and friends and make your plans: Inform your family and close friends of the situation.
And before speaking with him or the children, consider:
1) Your financial security (get legal advice regarding his contribution).
2) His boundaries, including access to you, the home, assets, etc.
3) Your support system.
You’ll need a support network: Consider which family, friends, church, etc. You’ll also need healthy routines: Consider a sport, a new course of study, etc.
Reach out for any further assistance needed. Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion.
E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
