Stepmom feeling disrespected, unappreciated
Counsellor,
I’ve been with my partner for six years, and we have been living together for the past three. He has two children from a previous relationship, and over time, I’ve become heavily involved in raising them. I help with school expenses, groceries, transportation, homework and other everyday costs. When the children need something, I’m often the one who steps in because I don’t want them to go without.
The problem is that when it comes to making decisions about the children, I’m reminded that I’m not their parent. My partner expects me to contribute financially and help with the responsibilities, but when I try to set boundaries or discipline the children, I’m told I’m overstepping. The children also sometimes use that disrespect me.
I told my partner that I feel like I’m expected to make all the sacrifices of a parent without being given any of the respect or authority that comes with being one. He says I knew they had children when I entered the relationship and that I shouldn’t complain now. I’m beginning to wonder where my responsibility ends. Am I wrong to expect a greater say in decisions when I’m contributing so much to this household? How much should a stepparent be expected to sacrifice for children who aren’t biologically theirs?
You are in a long-term relationship which includes children, and you feel disrespected and unappreciated for your effort and contribution to the children. Understood. Yours is the challenge most stepparents must prepare for. “But you are not my father/mother” is a statement a stepparent can expect to hear, especially if their stepchildren are toddlers to teens.
Anyone with the fortitude to take on that role, with a desire to positively impact their stepchild/children, deserves respect, appreciation and admiration. You certainly do too. But you’ll need to understand and appreciate the struggle of the children in that situation. Theirs is a battle to show sufficient loyalty and love in what they’ll feel is a difficult situation. They’ll typically struggle to show loyalty to their dad while showing due love and loyalty to their mum; you get the short end of the stick, for now.
But know that some adults around today are only stable and sensible because of a stable and sensible stepparent. Some stepparents have also literally saved the lives of their stepchildren. And some children are closer to their stepparent than their biological parent. But that often happens only when there’s patience and persistence.
You’ve asked great questions. How much should you be expected to sacrifice? I’d say only what you think you can. No one can fault you for protecting yourself financially and emotionally. It is fine to manage how much you give based on an appreciation for your investment. However, there may be Maintenance Act implications you should seek legal advice about.
You’ve asked where your responsibilities end. It ends at those boundaries you set through careful discussion with your partner. Clear boundaries typically facilitate everybody’s comfort and longevity in a relationship. Again, legal advice is also prudent. You can’t be “overstepping” if your boundaries are discussed and understood. You’ve also asked if it’s wrong to expect a greater say. It really depends on what the “greater say” is. However, your partner should generally be supporting your parenting efforts and discussing the challenges privately.
Understand, you’ll have to earn the children’s trust so that they’ll generally comply with your directives. You seem to be doing that. But it can take time. Also, remember the “blessed assurance” that comes with marriage. Yes, being in a common-law relationship does come with some legal implications. But being a spouse certainly offers some very important coverage.
Your situation warrants three particular areas of address:
- How you’ll manage your emotions — My advice: With time-outs for yourself, patience, and a long-game plan.
- How you’ll relate to all those involved (ie, children, partner, biological mother) — My advice: With love, respect, careful dialogue, and firmness.
- How you handle your financial contributions and expectations. My advice: Thoughtfully, practically, with legal advice, and boundaries-based. If you need further assistance, feel free to schedule a chat.
Rev Christopher Brodber is a Relationship & Leadership Specialist | Executive Clarity & Workplace Well-being Speaker | Pastor & Counsellor. E-main questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
