He’s resisting marriage
Counsellor, I’ve been with my man for several years, and every time I bring up marriage, I hear the same excuses: we’re not financially ready, we need more time, or marriage is just a piece of paper. Yet, this same man is comfortable enjoying all the benefits of having a wife without making any real commitment. At this point, I’m beginning to wonder whether he’s genuinely building a future with me or simply keeping me around until something better comes along. How long should someone wait for commitment before accepting that they’re wasting their time?
You’ve been with your partner for several years, and you want to ‘tie the knot’ now, but you feel he makes light of your desire, and you want to know when to throw in the towel. Understood. You have invested years in the relationship, so it is understandable that you’d want to know whether it’s heading in the direction you desire. And an indefinite postponement of what you feel is a goal is unacceptable. Wanting to get married isn’t unreasonable at all.
He should understand what this means to you: maybe it’s not about the paper, but about security and confirmation of his genuine commitment. And you shouldn’t have to persuade him indefinitely to want the same future as you. But, to be fair, neither should he feel pressured if he thinks he’s financially unprepared. It is also possible that there are other reasons at play.
If getting married means a lot to you, his reasons for delay warrant deep, honest discussion, not just accepting indefinite postponement. And you’ll have to consider what your dealbreakers are. Under normal circumstances, two mature people should generally be able to establish within a reasonable period whether they see marriage as prudent. That’s what courting is about: making assessments of each other’s goals, habits, values, and character.
How long should someone wait? There is no universal timeframe. Generally, after one to two years of serious courting, it should be enough time to assess compatibility, each other’s handling of conflict, stress management, and financial matters. But situations vary widely: work, studies, distance, finances, illness, etc can be factors. The issue ultimately isn’t simply time together. The issue is whether you’re making progress together.
If he continues to postpone marriage without a convincing explanation, is unwilling to discuss what would make him ready, or cannot agree on a mutually acceptable plan, it may indicate that you have different expectations or intentions. His urgency could indeed be impacted by having the “benefits” without marriage. Sometimes, already enjoying companionship, domestic support and intimacy associated with marriage, may mean there’s little perceived urgency to formalise that relationship.From a Christian perspective, marriage provides an important covenant framework for intimacy, responsibility and mutual commitment. In 1 Corinthians 7:2 and Hebrews 13:4, it speaks to the importance and honour of marriage. It reminds us that intimacy should be accompanied by the responsibility and commitment that marriage represents. So your desire to get married is understandable.
Consider asking him:
1) Do you genuinely see yourself marrying me?
2) If so, what specifically needs to happen before you see yourself as ready?
3) What realistic timeframe are you prepared to work towards?
REV CHRIS BRODBER
A healthy marriage relationship will require willingness, readiness, and commitment from both of you. You don’t just want to get married; you want to know that he wants to marry you. If, after a deep and honest discussion, you discover that your expectations and intentions are fundamentally different, consider whether remaining in the relationship is in your best interest.
Both of you may benefit from a guided counselling discussion exploring three important dimensions of your relationship:
1) Duration: How long have you been together?
2) Development: How much have you built together?
3) Direction: Are you actually moving towards the same future?
You can e-mail or call me for further assistance. And for more general insights on relationships, personal development, and emotional well-being, you’re also welcome to follow me on
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Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
