A case of emotional blackmail
Dear Dr. Royes:
I am in a pickle, and I don’t know how to get out of it. My marriage has been long and dutiful, and rather boring. A couple of years ago, when I was thinking of leaving my husband, I started to have an affair with a close friend of his, a man I have known for 24 years. Now I realise that I want to get out of it, because my eldest daughter is beginning to suspect something and I just don’t want anything to get out about it. My husband would be devastated, and I wouldn’t want that. But my lover has said that if I end it, he will tell my husband everything. So I find myself trapped in a situation that I now don’t want to be in. How can I get out without hurting anyone?
Dear Pickle:
I am afraid that, as Shakespeare once wrote, you have been hoisted on your own petard. Which means that you have created your own noose. This is a sticky business, no matter how you look at it, and sticky businesses always cause stress. I don’t know if you can get out of it without hurting anyone, but there might be some ways to lessen the damage.
First, you are in the victim situation here. Your lover has you pinned like a butterfly, and this is something that you should end. Tell him you have to have a serious talk with him, and make an appointment to do so. Do not make this talk part of your lovemaking, but be upright and businesslike about it. Tell him how you feel about needing to end the relationship. If he starts again with the emotional blackmail (which is what it is), remind him that he will be hurting a lot of people, including his own family (does he have a wife?) and his best friend’s.
No pleading and whining, please. Just let him know that you are earnest about ending the relationship, regardless of what he chooses to do, but you would strongly discourage him from saying anything to your husband. Tell him that you will handle it on your end the way you think best. Let him know that you realise that he is free to do as he wishes, but he could hurt many people he cares about. Not only that, but there will be outside gossip as well, that could affect his working situation and his other social friendships. “Nonetheless, if you still want to go ahead and tell my husband….” Then go ahead and end the relationship, and say GOODBYE.
Now, about your husband. Sounds like you have some fences to mend there, if you want your marriage to continue. Maybe you should consider asking your husband to go with you to marital counselling. In that environment, with a professional third party, you might one day be able to tell him the truth about your affair. However, and this is a big however, I would not rush into telling him now. You need some time away from the affair, time to digest it, to think about how to change things in your marriage, and time to move on emotionally.
