Going it alone

Last week, with little hesitation but a great deal of regret, I visited the local County Court in order to file a divorce petition. I could hardly believe that I was doing so. It seemed a strange thing to do. Not because I have been in a 20-year relationship, of which almost 11 were as a married couple. The reason why it felt unusual is because my husband and I currently get on very well indeed. We are very good friends and share a mutual respect for one another. We also care very much about each other’s happiness and love each other in an enduring way.

I guess one could only describe this as a ‘friendly’ divorce, but really that does not do our situation justice. The fact that we are on good terms with each other does not make this an easy step to take. There are still feelings of self-doubt, of failure and disappointment. Not to mention, the unenviable task of trying to explain our situation to family and friends. We don’t know exactly what went wrong; we only know that the last five years during which time we both lost our mothers, we became very unhappy with each other. Communication broke down between us. We found it hard to tell each other what troubled us, for fear of hurting the other’s feelings.

We, therefore, both bottled up feelings of anxiety and resentment, which resulted in further stress and long, uncomfortable silences. Because we could not communicate with each other, we grew apart. The grief that we each felt was so great, that rather than bring us closer together, it only served to push each of us further apart into our own worlds. When the situation became intolerable, we mutually agreed to separate to give each other space.

However, because we cared so much for each other, we stayed as close as possible, not wanting to lose what we had left. We spoke to each other almost every day on the telephone. My husband also came to visit me once or twice a week, when we would watch TV or videos. What developed was a transformation in our relationship from an unhappy married couple, to a strong friendship.

Over time I could see that we were both happier, although to begin with it wasn’t really what I wanted. I was miserable and lonely and wanted things to return to the way they were. However, in my heart I knew that our marriage had gone beyond that point. As time went by, I realised that there wasn’t an ‘us’ anymore. Therefore, I had to start planning life for ‘me’. What did I want to do with my life? Where did I want to be? These were questions I had no immediate answers to.

Gradually as I grew more accustomed to spending time alone, I began to appreciate the solitude. Time to think and plan and to do things I enjoyed. I stopped watching TV altogether. Instead I found myself relaxing in the evenings listening to music, writing or reading newspapers on the Internet. I also started to invest time in building new friendships and making a greater effort with existing ones, including family members and relatives. I began to feel a sense of real independence and freedom – and I actually enjoyed it.

What was happening to me, was that I was beginning to develop and mature as an individual and it felt right. I began to feel grateful for the separation and finally ready to move on with my life and my future – as an individual rather than as part of a married couple.

Fortunately for us, there are no children to consider. It seems as if being together from our teens to our 30s somehow interfered with our developing and growing into adults capable of communicating openly and honestly with each other. Or perhaps we were never able to do this anyway, but didn’t recognise the fact as teenagers with little experience of life and relationships.

Although we grew up together, we never really ‘grew together’. However, I will never regret our long-term relationship or being married. My husband has been kind and generous and is an honest, decent and hard working man. Together we have progressed in our professional lives and enjoyed a comfortable lifestyle. Many people I imagine would think we are mad to get divorced. Surely these are the things people get married for. Surely those are the qualities one looks for in a spouse.

I can hear them say. Marriage is after all, an institution to be preserved at all costs. The trouble is we are not an institution, we are two individuals who have the right to pursue our own happiness, in whatever form that takes. It doesn’t matter if the ingredients are all there, you still need the chemistry to make the ingredients work together. Sadly for us, there was a problem with the chemistry.

Divorce is hard, but it doesn’t have to be bitter. You may lose a spouse, but if you are willing to continue the relationship on a different level, you can gain a valuable friend, for life. I know that I have and wish my husband a happy and fulfilling future in whatever he chooses to do.