Be a victor and not a victim
Dear Dr Royes:
I heard you speak in Ocho Rios a few weeks ago, and you said that women who keep their feelings in tend to get breast and ovarian cancer. I cannot tell you how I have been thinking about what you said! I am what you could call a quiet person and I tend to keep my feelings to myself. My mother died at 45 from breast cancer, and was reserved herself. Since I don’t want to follow her example, how can I go about learning how to express myself more?
Dear Quiet One:
I’m glad that my talk had an effect on you. Yes, research repeatedly shows that women who don’t let others know how they feel tend to develop diseases earlier in life. When emotional stress is kept within, it becomes a cause of chronic stress, releasing steady amounts of adrenaline into the system. Over time, this stored adrenaline breaks down the tissues of the body and causes disease.
Can you change your behaviour? It’s not easy, but it is possible. People change every day. They stop smoking. They decide to get married. They change their diets. You too, with practice, can alter your own patterns. Let me recommend that you try to get a copy of a book called Kiss My Tiara: How to Rule the World as a Smartmouth Goddess by Susan Jane Gilman. You’ll laugh and take a new look at keeping quiet!
Emotional behaviour usually gets established in childhood. You probably saw your mother swallowing her unhappiness, being a sacrificing person, and she became your role model. Unfortunately, she was also harming herself. It is with that knowledge that you should create new role models for yourself. Start looking around at friends and family members, particularly women, who speak up, who are not disrespectful to others, and who “get things off their chest”. It doesn’t matter what age the person is, just that they have learned how to express themselves honestly.
Next, you need to affirm to yourself that you are going to start speaking up, particularly when things are not to your liking. Write down some positive affirmations, such as “I express myself honestly and respectfully”, and put them in your bathroom and bedroom. Say them out loud several times a day.
When your courage has started building, you are ready to begin changing your behaviour. Think of someone you have wanted to say something to for a while now. That person at work who annoys you, the friend who takes you for granted, etc. Next, practise addressing the person directly about the issue. This is just role modelling, mind you, so you are free to change your approach. Ask a close friend to listen to you as you pretend to say something to the person that will express how you feel. Get honest feedback. Are you too soft? Too harsh? Too critical? Angry? Keep practising until you are comfortable with your statement. Be prepared for the fact that the person might be offended or defensive, but promise yourself that you won’t cave in because you receive rejection.
You are now ready for the actual “discussion” with the person. Approach when you are both alone, and remember to maintain respect for the other person. Try to stay calm, even if they get angry or upset. Don’t back down, but stay open to listening to them. Just quietly restate your case, and assure them that you still care for them.
Once you have experimented with being expressive, you will find that it becomes easier every time. You might also find that you get less angry every time you are honest, particularly about an issue that someone else might disagree with. You will start to feel better about yourself, less of a martyr, and have a pride in your own growth.
I encourage you to start. Keep a diary, if you like writing, or confide your progress to a good friend. You will see how much better life starts to look, once you become a victor and not a victim.
