Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind

Javier is a 20-something-year-old bachelor, an expert in the nature of the modern man. Week by week, he will clue you in on what men really want – and what really goes on in those heads of theirs.

IN a previous article I talked about men ending relationships with women in ways that didn’t leave the women completely messed up emotionally for the next suitor to have to unravel. As I said before, you make it easier for the next man to actually have a relationship with the woman you leave when you break it off easily with your ex.

With all that in mind, I want to introduce a new way you can help your fellow man by breaking up with a woman. You see some women have some abusive habits that can only be cured when a man just ups and leaves them. And when the next man come along he’ll get the better treatment. I know, I know, man musn’t fatten fowl fi mongoose and all that, but it’s not like leaving the girl isn’t to your advantage.

Since I like examples, there was this one guy who had a girlfriend, who by the way was very hot. He treated her right, was faithful and basically did everything that a good boyfriend ought to do. A little ways into the relationship the girl notices some other guy whom she’s attracted to, and the guy – not knowing that she’s taken – starts to work on her.

Kinda interested in what the new guy has to offer, the girlfriend tells the boyfriend “I need some space” and starts to hang out with the new guy. She doesn’t hide that she’s hanging out with the new guy by the way.

Soon enough things go south with the new guy and it’s not long before the girlfriend calls up the old guy and goes into a spiel pledging her loyalty to him, and that she’s sorry she made such a stupid mistake and so on. If you think I’m going to say that he didn’t go back to her and he let the weight of her mistake crash down on her, then you’d be wrong.

She was hot, so he went crawling back. And that gentlemen is where my theory comes into play. Women, (okay and sometimes men), can get away with anything because they are hot, and as stupid as it sounds, some men think being able to say he’s with a hot woman far outweighs any personality flaws she might have.

Now, my theory is that, had the boyfriend chosen not to go back; chosen not to even answer or return any of her attempts to reach him; chosen to simply cut her off in no uncertain terms, she would have learned a valuable lesson that she would have taken into her next relationship.

In case you’re wondering why this lesson would be more effective on men than on women, it’s because women are more likely to handle things in a self-reflective ways than men.

In situations where women come out on the bottom, they feel the need to analyse and probe and figure out why things happened the way they did, and more importantly, what they did to make it happen that way. Men just stack the facts and take a final decision.

So in the case of the girlfriend she would (ok, she should) learn that it’s not cool to treat her boyfriend like he’s an object she can pick up and put down at her pleasure. She would also learn that you don’t just up and leave your boyfriend because you see someone cuter. She would hopefully take all these things into her next relationship and treat the next guy better than the last guy. And that would all be as a result of the first boyfriend dumping her.

I know what the men are thinking. They’re thinking I’m underestimating the power of the female when she calls you with the crying voice and the weepy disposition. That is enough to make even the toughest guy fold. I know the power women wield when they play that card, but I also know the feeling of empowerment a man can feel when he successfully deflects those kind of advances.

So don’t be afraid to cut her off when she develops those ultra negative types of behaviours. Remember men, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

A question for Javier

My boyfriend’s other baby mother keeps calling at all hours of the night wanting things for the baby. I tell him that he can have a relationship with the child without her, but he jumps every time she calls anyway and I’m jealous of that. What can I do to keep him as mine, even though he needs to spend time with the child?

Understandably you’re jealous about the amount of time he spends with his child, and with that his baby’s mother, but it seems that you’re failing to get the amount of respect he has for the woman. The thing is, despite the end of their romantic relationship, they share a parental relationship. And in this parental relationship, especially if they are new parents, they are going to want to be there for all the aspects of the child’s life at this stage.

Not to mention the fact that they have to be in constant dialogue with each other to make sure that the best decision for the child is being made. And he has to communicate with the mother since she’s the one who the child lives with.

It definitely seems that by calling in the wee hours of the night the baby mother is trying to cause some conflict, but it also definitely seems that your boyfriend loves his child and wants to be actively involved in his child’s life. And he has to deal with his child’s mother to do that properly. So frankly, he can’t have a relationship with the child without having a relationship with the baby’s mother.

It also seems like the father/child relationship is the most important thing to him at this point, and unless you can work it out within yourself to not feel jealous when he goes off to see the child, this might not be the relationship for you.

You should definitely talk – not cuss him about it – and try to get at some kind of compromise so he isn’t dashing off like Batman in the middle of the night. But I figure things are probably very similar in the day.

There is room for compromise though but it depends on how willing each of you are to do it, so talk about it and see what happens.

Good Luck.

Your problems are never too huge, too weird or too small for Javier. Email your questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com, write to allwoman c/o The Jamaica Observer, 40-421/2 Beechwood Avenue, Kingston 5 or fax 968-2025.