Why men cheat

In his book The Truth About Cheating: Why men stray and what you can do to prevent it, which was available for download on Oprah.com recently, mental health counsellor M Gary Neuman said that he realised, from talking to couples, that cheating can happen in the most unlikely circumstances, even if the original intentions are well-meaning.

“How many husbands really cheat?” he asks. “Is it possible your husband is cheating? Could he be on his way?” He said that research results suggested that anywhere from 22 to 70 per cent of husbands cheat on their wives. “Many suggest the current acceptable statistic is that roughly half of all men have had affairs. Nearly one in every three couples will be affected by an affair. Think your husband will confess if he’s already done it? Extremely unlikely. Cheating men rarely do.”

So why does he cheat? Is it sex? Genetics? Will he tell you if he has cheated? Does he feel guilty? This week we examine the issue, and get – all from the horses’ mouths – why they do it.

Is cheating genetic?

IT is one of the commonest excuses given by men who cheat – “I couldn’t help myself”. But is he lying, can he actually stop himself from jumping into bed with every woman who makes herself available. What if his dad cheated? Will he?

The whole notion of genetics being the reason for men cheating is still being questioned. And with so many men swearing by it, you would think it is true. But according to psychologist Dr Rose Johnson, there is nothing to suggest this.

“I have not heard about genetics being a reason why men cheat. I know that socialisation, culture and one’s heritage are some of the reasons given, but not genetics,” she said.

She said that living with a father who cheats might cause a son to follow in the same direction, but it is due to socialisation and is not hereditary. In the end she said, the decision to cheat is dependent upon a person’s commitment to their relationship.

“I think that as human beings, we can exercise choice. I think humans are pre-wired to be attracted to different persons. But at the end of the day, we have to remember our commitment to each other and decide to stick with that one person,” she said.

She believes spreading the notion that cheating is genetic only gives men an excuse to carry out their behaviour.

Do friends influence him?

THE amount of influence a man’s friends have on him cannot be underestimated. So it’s quite understandable why some women get irritated every time they see their significant other hanging out with his promiscuous pals.

But does the fact that he hangs with the boys have any influence over what he does? Are they the ones causing him to spend less time with you in the name of partying and having fun? Are his friends much more than a convenient alibi and have become the instigators of his cheating ways? We asked a couple of men, just how much influence a friend has.

Oneil Williams, 24:

Friends don’t influence me. I have my own mind and I do my things my own way. So when I’m cheating my friends have no say in it.

Orville Brown, 40:

Yes, your company can cause you to cheat. I mean, you see your friends cheating, so you want to do it as well.

Ricky Green, 43:

My friends never really had any problem with me cheating. They were very supportive, but I think it is because they knew and understood why.

Michael Williams, 42:

Yes they can influence a man, but it all depends on his character. If you are a weak person who depends on another person’s opinion, you are more easily influenced by a friend.

Leon Ellis, 18:

In a way, yes. They are the ones who sometimes give information and tell you what to do and the approach you should take with the girl.

Debunking the myth that Christian men don’t cheat

ALTHOUGH the Bible admonishes Christians to live a pure and holy life, some Christian brothers would tell you that it is easier said than done. And so like their non-Christian counterparts they are prone to cheat and to seek pleasures outside the church.

Counselling psychologist Joan Rhule says that while Christian men tend not to be as brazen in their endeavours as non-Christians, they are just as prone to cheating as anyone else.

“A Christian should not really cheat; but because of their Adamatic nature, they tend to fall,” she says.

Reasons Christian men give for cheating.

1. They cannot control their urge to cheat. Like any other man, attractive females do turn on Christian men. Their sexual urges cannot be preached into submission. It takes willpower to resist temptation, something that not everyone has.

2. They’re tired of dealing with overly holy women. Even if he is a missionary, he gets tired of having sex in this position after a while. Owing to his sexual curiosity, some men go outside the church to find women who can give them a variety. The fact that some Christian women consider it a sin to wear sexy outfits in the bedroom does not help matters either.

3. He has unmet emotional needs. Spending hours doing ‘God’s’ work while commendable, leaves him feeling unwanted. It reduces time for intimacy and having fun. After a while he gets tired of your rehearsals, meetings and hearing about the pastor.

4. Peer pressure. Although the Bible admonishes him not to be worldly, a Christian brother does live in the world and is subjected to worldly pressures. After months of hearing his co-workers brag about their exploits, his curiosity can force him to do some exploration of his own.

5. They want to fulfil a fantasy. Forget that Eve ate the apple, men love to get a taste of the forbidden fruit. And so for some men the only way to that nice Christian girl they’ve been eyeing is to go into the church and act the part. This includes baptism and all. As soon as the fantasy has been realised, then it’s back to the cheating game.

Warning signs he may be thinking of cheating

THERE is something definitely different about your man, you can’t quite put your finger on it…yes you can, female intuition tells you that he is thinking about cheating…or has he started already. Below are some dead give-always.

His daily routine is changing.

A man who is cheating…or building up to it will slip up somehow in his daily routine. Ensure you pay close attention to his behaviour. He is slick, but if you observe closely, clues will be there.

He gets broke a lot quicker.

When a man’s trying to impress a woman then he will buy her things or be a little free -handed with his money. If you notice that lately he’s falling back on his financial responsibilities in the home, then you had better watch it, someone else might be getting a cut.

There are unexplained absences.

He gets on the defensive when you question him about his unexplained absences. You can’t get him on his cell, he wasn’t at work when you called and there’s no explanation forthcoming on his whereabouts.

Strange phone calls.

You are at home, the phone rings and you pick up the receiver. The minute the person hears your voice, there’s a click in your ears – something is up, take note of that red alert.

Car clues.

In all the time you have been together, he has never seen the need to use a condom, so there should be a very good reason why you would find one tucked away under the car seat.

Things are missing from home.

You don’t have a helper, no other woman’s in the home, yet you can’t explain the missing pieces of clothing, perfume or some of your personal items. You don’t need a detective to figure out what’s happening here.

Does he feel guilty when he cheats?

CHEATING can take a toll on a woman, especially if she is dealing with a persistent cheater. But while you are left feeling heartbroken and betrayed, does he care one bit? We wanted to know how a man feels when he cheats and so we asked those who would be in a position to know – the men.

Orville Brown, 40: When I cheated, I didn’t feel guilty because I had already thought about the consequences. I already made up in my mind that whatever happened would happen, so it never bothered me.

Ricky Green, 43: I have friends who do it, but they don’t feel guilty. When men have more than one woman, they appear to be a don, and they get respect and that’s what they want.

Wayne McLean,39: We are all human beings, so we all have some sort of conscience. So of course men feel guilty when they cheat. We are not machines.

Michael Williams, 42: It depends on the condition of why you cheat. If your partner is a nice person and you trust her and for some reason you cheat on her, you will feel guilty. But if she is having an affair, you are not going to feel all that bad.

Oneil Williams, 24: No, I’m not going to feel guilty because it’s my regular practice to do that. I get so used to cheating that it doesn’t feel any way for me when I do it. After I don’t know if she’s a cheat too? My father told me that I’m not supposed to trust anyone, so that’s how the thing set up. I can’t tell what she’s doing.

Exploring polygamy

POLYGAMY is the act of marrying more than spouse. Its acceptance level varies according to countries and so does the law regarding its practice. But over the past century, a number of people, notably men, have been calling for it, specifically polygyny – where one man has multiple wives – to be legalised. This as they feel it would only be making acceptable what is biblically ordained.

“Some men believe that it is always good to have more than one woman, so that if one relationship breaks down, you can always have one to fall back on,” says Wayne W.

There are two primary justifications for polygyny.

1. It ensures that every woman will have a man. Some secularists believe that women would prefer to share a desirable man with different wives rather than being married to one who does nothing for them. The fact that there seems to be more women in the world than men would mean that some women would not have anyone if polygyny is not practised.

2. It is sanctioned by the Bible. Polygyny was practised by the patriarchs in the Bible. God gave David, for example, many wives, which meant He not only sanctioned the practice but played an active role in ensuring that this lifestyle was carried out.

The power of sex: how important is it in preventing cheating?

THERE is no doubt that sex in a relationship plays a very important role. If our informal survey is anything to go by then it can be deduced that without that element in the relationship it will be heading for the rocks.

One of the main complaints in long-term unions is that there is no longer any sexual fire, or that the passion has died out of it. For one reason or the other, once that’s gone everything is downhill from there.

Forty-year-old Orville Brown said sex in the relationship is extremely important for him.

He, however is willing to compromise adding that as long as there is some level of intimacy he will be okay.

“We aren’t talking about sex as in [just] penetration, but we want intimacy,” he said.

But Mark, who has embraced the Christian faith, said that as much as he would hope that he would be able to overcome that particular temptation he knows it would be quite a stretch.

“It’s very important. If sex is out of the mix then as much as I want to stay true to the relationship I am going to start feeling dissatisfied and look elsewhere. If I see a woman who looks really sexy, I am going to wonder what it would be like to be with her that way,” Mark confessed.

Added Ricky Green: “In any relationship sex is an important part of it. It’s a part of life…it’s a part of us, so you can’t leave it out. When two people make love they are sharing more than their bodies, it’s a communication of the mind and a way of sharing the love they have for each other. It is a factor which supports the relationship in many ways.”

And said Michael Williams: “A man can easily date more than one woman. If the door is not open, he will go seek the love elsewhere.”