Can a mother father?

LONG before Edith Clarke first published her resource book My Mother who Fathered Me in 1957 — a book which studied the slavery-inspired familial structures in Jamaica characterised by paternal absence, parental irresponsibility and the rise of the maternal family — countless women were toiling at homes across Jamaica trying to raise their children without the economic or emotional support of men.

Clarke’s publication brought the issue of mothers ‘fathering’ to the forefront, and with the spotlight came a lot of questions about the impact of this traditional family shift — where mothers were being forced into situations where they had to play both roles; and whether the children in these situations lacked proper parenting because of it.

Not much has changed since the publication of Clarke’s book. Indeed, the years have seen a growth in single parent homes, with statistics showing that over the years, the number of female headed households has increased. The 2005 UNICEF publication Situation Analysis of Jamaican Children showed that over 45 per cent of Jamaica’s homes are female headed, a trend that persisted for much of the 1990s.

They are statistics that point to the obvious reality: mothers have been playing dual roles to their children.

But despite the statistics, some experts still hold that mothers can’t, and shouldn’t attempt to ‘father’ too.

Senior Policy Analyst and Male Desk Representative at the Bureau of Women’s Affairs Dave Noel Williams is one.

He is adamant that it is just not possible for a woman to father a child.

“That’s a misnomer, it is foolishness, a woman cannot father a boy, and neither can a man mother a girl,” he said. “They have their individual roles to play,” he added.

Williams, who has counselled a number of boys and men over the years, said there are certain biological changes that occur in boys that only a father could relate to. Much has also been said about the need for a father in his daughter’s life, to, among other things, help her relationships with men in the future.

“Failure to have a male figure present could be detrimental to the child,” Williams said.

But, said Nordia Cooke, the mother of a six-year-old whose father disappeared shortly after the boy’s birth, “In some cases, mothers are forced to father because of the voluntary absence of the child’s father”.

“So in my role, I have to be the father,” she told All Woman. “And do I think I can do it? Of course! And I’m doing a pretty damn good job of it. Of course no one — at least no one sane — goes into a situation where they bring a child into the world and then decides to play mother and father. But I think that when forced to play the role, mothers can ‘father’, and many have been doing so with great results over the years.”

Just ask anthropologist and talk show host Dr Kingsley ‘Ragashanti’ Stewart, who boasts the distinction of rising from poverty to now having acclaim as a lecturer, entertainer and talk show host with a doctorate in anthropology. And he has never ceased to bring praises to his mother, his sole caregiver.

Stewart said his life turned out great despite being raised single-handedly by her.

His own mother he said, “was phenomenal in taking on both roles” while raising him and his sister.

“Everything that for some other family they would depend on the man to do, or a child would grow up seeing their father doing, my mother was doing it all. Even certain, everyday tasks — to nail up something, to fix something that I saw other men in other families doing, my mother was doing all of that and it was overwhelming for her,” he said.

He said his mother died in her 30s due to ill-health brought on by her working extremely hard.

But he admitted that he is also a believer that a mother, no matter how self-sufficient, cannot ‘father’ her child.

“I understand what she (Edith Clarke) meant and I agree with what she meant. But in the strictest sense of the phrase, it is my firm belief that no woman can father a child,” Stewart said. “No woman can father a child, while no man can mother a child. However, a woman can assume fatherly roles and be quite effective and successful in doing so when she is raising her children.”

And despite assuming the roles, it’s the children who oftentimes suffer from the missing link to their fathers.

Stewart said his mother was so adept at taking care of her children, that it is only now in retrospect that he is seeing that the absence of a father did affect him. At an early age, he started hanging out with older youths in his community, who he felt could have been father figures. That led to him being escorted off to a boys’ home and then eventually from one jailhouse to the next during his youth.

“At that time, I was admiring them (the youths) and I thought it was cool. My mother had great difficulty competing with that, because while she could assume certain traditional roles such as a disciplinarian, a provider, and so forth that traditionally a father in Jamaica would accomplish, at the same time she was just simply not a man,” said the anthropologist.

Fortunately his mother — who sold bottles to earn wages sometimes — made sure that she instilled a love for God and emphasised the need for education to her children. Stewart believes that the foundation laid by his mother had a far-reaching effect on his character and success today.

“Perhaps if a man was in the picture, I don’t know if my mother would have tried as hard as she did with the results now manifesting in me the way they are. At the same time, a man can be in the picture and you can have a father, but it is not the best of father and this can affect you negatively,” he surmised.

It’s a question 30-year-old Fiona Elliott has been grappling with for the two years since she opted to leave the marital home with her son, after years of physical and mental abuse from her husband.

“Everyone told me to stay,” she told All Woman. “I was shocked when I realised that everyone was spewing the same garbage — ‘stay for the child’s sake’, they would say. The boy needs a father.”

But, she said, she started questioning the advice. “I know my son needs a father,” she said. “But does he need this father? Does he need a father who is no good; who hurts him and who he sees hurting me? Should I have provided him with the traditional nuclear situation, but at the expense of a good father? Is having a father in this case — abuse and all — better than being parented by a mother alone? I don’t think so!”

Paula, who is now in her 40s, said growing up without her father was extremely painful. She said although she knew of him, he had disregarded her as a daughter, refusing to make any contribution to her well-being. As such, the businesswoman said she was raised by her mother, who would quarrel all the time about the stresses of being a single parent.

Her mother eventually remarried and had other children but Paula said not having her father around her was especially hard because she watched the way her mother’s husband was always there for his daughters, causing her to feel like the black sheep in the family.

“No matter what anybody says and no matter what anybody does, you just always feel a way. You feel a lot of disappointment and sometimes I felt like I was a burden for both of them,” she said, while adding that, “there is still a lot of bitterness and anger”.

But even she is the first to admit that it is better to grow up without a father than to be raised by one who is irresponsible. It is for this reason that she is in the process of divorcing her husband and the father of two of her children, who abused her on countless occasions.

“I went to my kids to see what they wanted and they told me to end the relationship and just leave him,” she said. “It is best to be by yourself and take care of the kids, because if you stay in the relationship, chances are you might take the problem out on the children. After all, everybody has their breaking point.”

Stewart agrees that the presence of a father doesn’t necessarily mean a better life for the child.

“The presence of a man in a child’s life doesn’t necessarily equate to automatic success, because not all men are as responsible as they should be; not all men try to be the best father they should be. So sometimes the absence of a father, it may result in more work for the mother, but what it does is that for some women they use it as an opportunity, they use that unfortunate circumstance to propel them to do even better,” he said.