Ruminations of a reformed side chick
COUNSELLOR, I dated my current fiancé for four years before he finally divorced his first wife. I actually beat the statistics, in that I am a ‘side chick’ who actually got the man for herself. But something is bothering me. Apart from the fact that my fiancé is hesitant to set a date for our wedding, as he says he’s working on his finances first, his children and family hate me, with a capital H, as they blame me for his marriage ending. I feel good that he chose me, but I also know that I’m not the only woman in his life, as he’s also a womaniser. He says I’m his ‘wife’, but I sometimes think that this is my karma, and it won’t end well. Will what I did come back to haunt me? What is your advice?
You had an affair and you’re at a point in your relationship where your partner has left his wife and promised to marry you. You are now concerned that he isn’t seeming to be faithful to you, or inclined to keep his promise. You are correct to be concerned about his trustworthiness. You mentioned “karma”. Karma is a term borrowed from Hinduism, Jainism and Buddhism. The core intention behind the concept is universal moral accountability. The “universe” repays! Are you expecting the universe to negatively repay you?
You’ve asked if what you did will come back to haunt you. Well, it isn’t a good sign when you’re nervous about being held accountable by karma. Your guilty conscience says you are already being haunted. You won’t have peace if your conscience is expecting an intervention of justice. The Christian’s belief is in “sowing and reaping”. The
Bible says, “Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap” (Galatians 6:7b). That’s about God’s rule facilitating absolute justice. You should address this fear of yours and end the “haunting”.
Be proactive about resolving the predicament you are in. I’d advise you to apologise to whomever you need to, and pray how you need to. Ask the Lord for forgiveness. Set your conscience free! Because on one hand you’ve made yourself a pariah, by doing something that people around you are greatly displeased with. That has natural social implications. And on the other hand, you are concerned about spiritual things. This is not the way to pursue a peaceful, happy, and stable life.
Let me ask, how do you know your fiancé hasn’t made similar marriage proposals to anyone else? Are you confident that he won’t choose to marry someone else, even as you wait? Are you really sure that he “chose” you? Why would you expect fidelity and integrity from him, when his track record is infidelity? Are you hoping to settle down with someone you’ve called a “womaniser”? If you use logic, you’ll see that the odds of a long-lasting healthy relationship with him are slim.
His procrastinating with a wedding date may just be excuses. He may assume, if you were willing to share him with another woman before, that you might be happy to just do so again. You may be gambling your years away. Don’t think that you have won. You haven’t beat the most important odds yet.
“Got the man” assumes that you will have a future of love and loyalty with him. And your conscience doesn’t expect that to play out. As you’ve said, “It won’t end well”. So recalibrate!
It’s always smart to wait for someone to be truly available before starting a relationship with them. The years you’ve spent in that extramarital relationship were years invested against your chances of stability with him. Navigate your way back to a clean and clear conscience. Give yourself the best chance at peace of mind, true happiness and lasting love. Starting from scratch with a truly available partner may be your safest and smartest route to happiness.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
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