Hubby has his cake, and wants to eat it too
Counsellor, I am 48 and have been married to my husband, who’s 10 years younger, for 13 years. We basically built each other from the ground up. We met at church during his membership meetings, when as a new convert, no other woman was interested in him because they said he had no ambition and seemed mentally slow. I tried with him, because I wanted a family. Over the years we have built a life together, and have two homes, cars, children, and travel regularly. I thought everything was OK, but recently, a woman contacted me and said she was his woman from America, and she was filing for him. She said he had divorced me, and when I confronted him, he said all he has done was to talk to an attorney. He said he wanted more options for his life, and feels tied down in Jamaica, but is willing to stay married to me while he goes to America to work and test out his relationship with this other woman. I don’t know how to live without him, or how to let him go. My family says this is what I get for being desperate, but I thought we were in love. Help!
Your husband is planning to leave Jamaica to go try out his chances in the United States, with another woman. Understood. Congratulations though, on what you have built together over the past 13 years. Take some credit and celebrate that. Now, it may seem unreasonable for me to say this, yet I’ll say it. Try not to be overwhelmed. Yes, you’d be correct to be alarmed and upset by the situation, but try to contain yourself, no rash reactions or decisions. #Breathe.
The challenge you face impacts several marriages; it simply manifests in different ways. The issue is, at times haunting, taunting questions can impact the mind of a spouse. The questions — “Is there more for me out there?” and “Is this the entirety of my life?” Now I could offer speculation regarding the reasons why such questions apparently arise, especially after years of marriage. However, suffice it to say, it’s the frailty of us human beings; we often second-guess even a very good thing.
A partner can need help to realise what they have, before they lose it! Some people need to be saved from silly decisions. Strategically “rescuing” a spouse from their folly is also a part of spousal duty. Because hormonal issues or negative external situations can make a spouse lean toward a bad decision or “stupidity”. A mature partner should at such times be emotionally intelligent, objective, balanced enough to be patient and strategic. Yes, don’t quickly become brash or rash!
The first inclination of some people might be to pack his things and fling them out. But that’s not the smartest way. There’s a story I tell of a woman whose husband said he was leaving her. She told her husband that she’d let him leave and not interfere with him moving on on one condition — all she required was that he give her one month before leaving. And in that month, he’d have to simply pick her up and take her to bed each night. If he did that, she’d sign the divorce papers and cooperate with him completely. As the story goes, after a few nights of him lifting her to bed, and feeling her body, and seeing her eyes, he fell in love all over again. He never left. #Strategy.
Now, whichever way this goes, whatever happens, whether he leaves, or if you choose to, and are able to convince him to try to work things out, book a counselling session to create a plan for healing, or restoration. I also remind individuals, let no one own your soul but the Lord — so, whichever way this goes, you can certainly be perfectly fine!
I pray that the rest of your life will be the best of your life!
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
