The prodigal husband
Counsellor, About six years ago my husband moved out of our home and went to live with his girlfriend — basically, I confronted her and he chose her. At the time I confronted her she had just given birth to their second child, and when I found out, I snapped. Anyway, he was living with her all this time, while I live in our matrimonial home with our other children. We’re still legally married. The problem now is that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, and the prognosis isn’t good. Meanwhile, his girlfriend is migrating and he now wants to move back home and rekindle our marriage, but I’m not having it. I see this as the blessing I’ve prayed for all these years, and the outcome will be a lot of financial blessings in the form of assets and insurance for my children and I. Am I being unkind? Or should I forgive, and nurse him through sickness?
Your husband left you and your children to live with another woman. He has since become ill, and she is not going to be there for him, and he wants to return to you. And you want to know what to do. Understood. Certainly the choice is yours. Either decision will come with consequences. I would suppose your peers and friends might encourage you to ignore his request, as you seem inclined to. But either choice has consequences.
If you choose to let him back in, yes, it will mean providing care, either yourself or with hired help. You might become very unhappy and miserable in your own home. It would also hamper your chances of developing another romantic relationship. However, your children might possibly be happy to spend that time with their father. They might have the opportunity to mend their relationship with him, if it was broken. And they’ll probably think of you as an amazingly, noble woman. Maybe!
If you choose not to let him back in, but to say sayonara, then you’ll be free to continue pursuing your own goals. You won’t have the cost of medical care for your husband. And your life should generally be easier. However, your conscience may burden you. And your children might second guess your choice to turn him away. They might secretly wish you had the fortitude to help their father when he was at his weakest. Maybe!
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However, your primary concern should be your own health and the health of your children. Your husband chose his path, you get to choose yours! Those traditional vows you both might have made, “For better, or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part”, they no longer apply. You aren’t accountable for those now, since he violated it. Vows matter!
Whatever works best for your health, all things being considered, must be your priority. And what works best for your children, too. You aren’t being “unkind” for ensuring your own mental, physical and financial health, and the stability of your children.
I would say your best option may be a little of both choices: you could consider assisting your husband to find somewhere to be housed and assisting him to find a caregiver.
Consider letting the children know the situation and what your choice is. Consider calling a meeting with the children to discuss the issue. Then call a general meeting with his relatives. Tell all and sundry what help you are prepared to provide and what you are not willing to provide. Request that they provide help for him. Suggest they house him and provide the finances and general care he will need. Then consider visiting him occasionally with the children. No one should fault you for this response. And I pray that the rest of your life may be the best of your life.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
