Hubby confessed to past relationships with men
Counsellor, I returned to Jamaica four years ago after living abroad for many years, and dating a man long-distance. Last year we got married. He’s from the west, and I have never been to that side of the island. I didn’t meet many of his family members, and only two of his siblings came to our wedding. Fast forward this year, on our first anniversary, we took photos and the photographer posted our photos to social media. Since then, people have found my social media to send messages that my husband is well known in his parish for not being a straight man. When I asked him, he didn’t deny it, but said he had been ‘delivered’ in church, and wasn’t that kind of man anymore. I am so embarrassed. The photos were taken down, but I can’t look past what was said, or the kind of reputation my husband has. Now I watch everything he does. I’m in the science field so I believe this kind of lifestyle is biology — nature not nurture — and don’t believe religion can fix it. While he has never shown me personally any hint of that lifestyle, I would be stupid to think that he has been cured just like that. Should I divorce him now, before I get further drawn in?
Your husband has admitted to having homosexual relationships in the past and you want to know what to do now. Understood. The situation is quite unfortunate. Your husband says he was delivered in church. Well, that should also mean delivered enough to be open and honest with you. Confidence should be a sign of “change”. Not mentioning his former different lifestyle is akin to a breach of contract. Yes, openness regarding the past is a precursor to marriage.
Everyone marries with expectations. If there is information that may threaten their understanding of who you are, were, and will be, you must offer that up. Failing to do so is a breach. Your husband in effect cheated you out of the ability to make an informed decision. And now trust is broken, and you are worried he will revert to his contrary lifestyle. That mental and emotional torment isn’t easily sustainable.
Honesty is a virtue that gives an advantage! Elvis Presley sang, “Can’t help falling in love”, but “Only fools rush in”. For happiness’s sake, that’s a reminder to pause and never rush in! Work diligently to know who you’re saying “I do” to. Yes, you waited and dated for a while. But wherever possible and whenever possible, meeting your fiancé’s family and friends is an imperative. Finding out who his people and peers are helps you to understand who he is. It’s true, you can’t always access all the information necessary. But we must try. As one American president once said, “Trust, but verify”.
For reasons like this I cannot overstate the importance of thorough premarital counselling. You don’t have to feel embarrassed. Just be very strategic.
Your options are:
1) Leave the marriage: This is on the basis of his not being truthful, and the broken trust going forward. Leaving would entail getting legal advice and having a hard discussion with him and your family. You’ll need the support of your family and friends.
2) Stay in the marriage: This is on the basis of a desire to salvage things and some confidence in his character. Staying would entail having to handle distrust, anxiety, etc, and a willingness to do the work to keep him accountable. He would have to be absolutely willing to be absolutely accountable and open. You’ll need all the relevant information about present male friends, to know if they were past companions, etc. There should also be regular church attendance and accountability there too, since he credits his faith for his new life.
The difficult decision is yours. Whatever you choose, do it confidently and strategically, without regret. And I pray that the rest of your life will be the best of your life.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
