I betrayed her trust
Dear Counsellor,
Last year I cheated on my girlfriend. We have been together seven years. I love her dearly. She found out about it a month after, and we had an argument. Eventually, I apologised and we made up, but there is a problem with trust. Because of the situation she doesn’t trust me anymore. She has started insulting me around her family and it hurts. I really love her. What should I do?
When someone invests time, effort and financial resources in a relationship, they do so with the assurance that their partner is faithfully committed to the union. They have placed their trust in the person and expect that respect and faithfulness would be characteristics of the relationship.
So your girlfriend would have trusted you over the seven years in order to maintain a sense of stability and growth in the relationship. Was it a moment of weakness or a deliberate act of infidelity on your part? Could it be that your girlfriend is not satisfied that your behaviour was a mistake? After all, she found out one month after the occurrence. If she hadn’t found out, would you have ‘fessed up? She is probably saying the apology was one month too late.
Trust is likened to the foundation of a building; once the integrity of the building has been breached, major repair work would have to be done to restore it. Restoration of trust does not automatically follow after an apology. It is an uphill task that takes time, especially when many years have been invested.
If indeed she has forgiven your indiscretions then you must take an active role in the trust-rebuilding process. Putting undue haste on her to get over it and move on is certainly not the approach to take. She should take as much time as she needs to recover from the hurt and be allowed to go through the healing process at her pace. It appears she is at the anger phase of the process, hence the verbal attacks on you. It is just her way of getting back at you for hurting her emotionally. Others take the ‘bun fi bun’ approach.
Cheating in whatever form negatively impacts the offended partner’s self-esteem. There is a feeling of inadequacy, betrayal and shame that can result in serious psychological problems. Some persons have suffered bouts of depression after making such a discovery.
So what should you do? Firstly, you need to terminate all connections with the person you were involved with. This will indicate your regret and your determination to make amends. Secondly, keep your lady in the loop regarding your whereabouts and avoid making any secretive moves that you can’t share with her. In other words, be honest and forthcoming with the truth.
Spend more time with your lady and shun the distractions that will come your way daily. This may be difficult to do but if you love your woman as you say you do, you have to exercise self-control and do what is necessary to restore and maintain the relationship.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.
