Philandering boyfriend cheated with my family member

Dear Counsellor,

I am 21 and I have been with a 30-year-old man for the past four years. Our relationship has been both heaven and hell. In our first year I found out he got two women pregnant. He’s currently living with one, and the other is abroad. He has cheated with numerous women, one of whom is my family member. My family doesn’t like the idea of us being together because of his reputation. He gets upset when I talk to male colleagues whether on the phone or in person, and when I hang out with my girlfriends. I’ve tried to move forward by courting other guys but I just don’t have the interest.

He has made promises on top of promises but he has never come through with his word about me going back to school and him leaving his baby’s mother. I love him dearly but I just can’t do it anymore.

All relationships go through ups and downs, heaven and hell as you call it. Some tend to be more of a hell experience than others, as one or both partners suffer serious emotional pain/hurt.

In your case you have had to deal with a partner who has impregnated not only one, but two women, and there may even be more that you are not aware of. And to add salt to the wound, he has been with one of your relatives. Such is the lack of respect that some men have for women.

It appears that you are not the “first lady”, as the fact that he is living with his child’s mother would suggest that she may have a more legitimate claim to him. The fact that he has not responded to your request for him to leave her should indicate where you stand in the mix. Chances are he won’t leave her anytime soon. What then is your role in this man’s life? After four years where do you see the relationship going?

At 21 the attainment of educational goals should be your priority. Being indifferent to your request for help towards furthering your education could be interpreted as an attempt to keep you less marketable and more dependent on him.

It is not unusual for men who engage in multiple relationships to insist that their women remain faithful to them. They are usually quite jealous and possessive and possess a “male-hunter, female- hunted” attitude towards relationships.

In his mind, your hanging out with friends could be to his disadvantage as they could poison your mind by encouraging you to walk away from the relationship. And furthermore, he could be concerned that you could be distracted by someone else who may treat you with respect. So the more he controls your communication and movements the better he would be able to keep you in check.

Dating other guys while you navigate this relationship is counterproductive as you are obviously in love with this guy but at the same time fearful. It is always best to close one relationship before starting another.

Most times family members have your best interest at heart and can give the perspective of an outsider looking in. When we are in relationships, especially if dysfunctional, we tend to be blinded by our desperate efforts to sustain them and try to convince ourselves that things will change. This false hope will cause us to ignore and even rationalise our partners’ unfavourable behaviour.

Because of the distrust and emotional distress you are experiencing, the intimacy will decline and eventually fade away. For a woman to tune in sexually, the relational issues must be effectively addressed.

So, I would advise you to objectively assess the state of the relationship and then make a decision that is in your best interest.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com.