Abusive ex spilled my secrets

Q: Dear Counsellor,

I am a mother of five children. Four have left home and the last girl is almost 16. I was in a 15-year relationship with my ex-partner, my daughter’s father, but eventually found the courage to leave after years of physical and emotional abuse. I began to talk to another man. It felt as though I had found a friend as well as a sense of freedom.

My ex-partner would often call begging me to take him back. The telephone calls became more and more frequent to the point where they were distressing and alarming. I told a relative about the harassment. I also called my male friend, but didn’t tell him about my ex.

Unbeknownst to me, I did not cradle my handset properly on the landline when I was on my mobile talking to my male friend, and somehow my child’s father overheard our conversation. He came to my home the following morning despite a court order banning him from entering my property.

At the time I felt a sense of shame and embarrassment over the situation. The man I was talking to decided to cut ties with me as my ex called him and told him lies and about abuse I’d suffered as a child which I had disclosed in confidence during our relationship. I’m feeling hurt because my new male friend didn’t even take the time to get to know me.

A: Intimate partner violence is one of those frequently underreported problems that wreak havoc in relationships, families and the society in general. There have been numerous cases of injuries and fatalities associated with domestic violence. There are also many people who are suffering physically and emotionally in silence.

You reported that you eventually found the courage to leave the relationship after years of physical and emotional abuse. You have made a decisive step that not many people in abusive relationships are willing or able to make for fear of losing their status, pride, or even their lives.

It is not unusual for abusers to make contact with their victims, begging for another chance. This cycle will continue if the abuser does not get anger management counselling.

Intimate partner violence survivors like yourself will reach out to others for emotional support and as you indicated, you developed a friendship with someone else.

Again, it is not out of character for abusers to jeopardise any future relationship the abused person may wish to establish with someone else. For some abusers the thought of their ex-partners moving on without them is difficult to accept, and so if it takes broadcasting your secrets in order to make your life miserable, they will do it. That is the level of vindictiveness they will stoop to in order to exact revenge.

There are some men who for obvious reasons avoid being in relationships with survivors of intimate partner violence. Some will be intimidated or threatened, and so they beat a hasty retreat.

It is unfortunate that your friend allowed your ex to poison his mind with untruths. The disclosure of private and personal information regarding childhood abuse is most disturbing. One hopes that your friend did not use your past experience to influence his decision to break the friendship. If this is so, that too would be most unfortunate.

The shame and embarrassment come about because of the fact that even though you were physically separated from your spouse, you still felt a sense of loyalty to him that is associated with the years of emotional abuse where he dominated your head space. Your relationship was likened to a parent-child relationship where your ex-partner was the parent and you the child.

This mindset would have followed you into the new friendship, so even though you were involved in an adult-to-adult conversation with your male friend, you felt self-conscious because “daddy” overheard the “big people” dialogue that ensued.

Another factor for the shame is that having been in a committed relationship for 15 years, it will feel somewhat like cheating if you take on someone else even though you may have terminated the former relationship.

Coming out of an abused relationship can create problems not only from the jealous ex-partner who will make your life a nightmare, but as you attempt to free yourself from the physical and mental chains. It is recommended that you seek therapy to help in rebuilding of your self-esteem.

Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail.com