Questions to ask yourself before having a child

WHILE the parenthood journey can be great, many people enter that phase of their lives unprepared.

Becoming a parent is a huge milestone and before making the decision there are a few things you should be aware of.

According to Dr Faith Linton, founding director of Family Life Ministries, and co-author of the book Answers to Questions Parents Ask, there are questions you should also ask before taking the plunge.

1. Are you ready to become a mother or father?

According to Dr Linton, not everyone is physically and mentally prepared to be a parent.

“The bodies of girls aged 12 years or younger and of boys aged 15 or under are usually capable of producing offspring, but parenting is not just being able physically to have a child. Parenting requires a high level of maturity of mind and character,” she said.

She explained that maturity means being able to multitask, for example, having the stamina and organising ability to wash, cook, clean the house, look after a young baby and relate to your partner, all in the course of one day.

“It also means being willing to love and care for others even when it requires making a sacrifice for the good of your loved ones.” She said when parents are immature, their children tend to manifest certain character and personality weaknesses even as adults.

2. Why do you want to have a child?

Dr Linton said you can have good reasons as well as wrong reasons for wanting a child. “Are you wanting to prove to yourself and to the world that you have become a man or a woman? That is not a good enough reason,” she said. Dr Linton explained that some people refer to their children as “old age pension”, which suggests that they are thinking more about the benefit to themselves than about the children’s development and future.

3. Do you and your future parenting partner have a good, strong friendship apart from a sexual attraction?

If you are serious about becoming a parent, a major concern should be about the kind of father/mother you would want for your child and the quality of the relationship you want to have with your child’s mother/father.

“A parenting partnership involves a special kind of closeness that we call intimacy and the foundation for intimacy, which is the kind of relationship that good friends have,” she said. Moreover, Dr Linton said childrearing requires a measure of permanence.

“Cats and dogs need to be good parents, but only for a few weeks. Humans require 16 to 18 years of nurture and training from their parents. Marriage was designed by the Creator to meet these criteria for a parenting partnership,” she said.

4. Do your family members feel good about your relationship?

Dr Linton urged people not to disregard their family members’ opinions about their partners.

“It is always a good idea to listen to the responses and opinions of your family members concerning your choice of marriage partner. They care about you and know you well. Moreover, out of their own life experience they are often quick to recognise what the chances of success are for your marriage to the partner of your choice,” she explained.

5. Is your partner fully committed to sharing the responsibility of raising the child of your union, or are you likely to end up as a single parent?

“Being a single parent is not an ideal situation, and even the most successful single parents will agree,” she said. Dr Linton explained that single parenting can become even more stressful when the missing parent is alive and well but absent from the child’s life, and gives you little or no support emotionally or financially. She added that this is a very common problem in Jamaica and prospective parents should work to break the cycle.

Dr Linton offered some more advice for prospective parents:

1. Choose your partner carefully. “Don’t be too quick to go to bed with anyone. Take the time to know him/her really well, including details of his/her family background, values, beliefs, habits and lifestyle,” she said

2. If you are thinking of settling down permanently with each other, make sure to get pre-marital counselling from a well-trained marriage counsellor. Dr Linton said a good counsellor is one who not only instructs and guides the couple, but is able to advise a young couple against getting married when there are clear signs of risk and/or incompatibility. “Prevention is better than cure,” she said.