Upset over my ex’s ex
Dear Counsellor,
I broke up with my ex a few months ago leaving an eight-year relationship, as I felt like I deserved more and I had started to feel as if I was a side chick in the relationship. It’s been a rough few months as I have a child with this man and I still have feelings for him. I’ve started a new relationship that’s going great; this man treats me like a queen and helps me out in every way he can. I recently found out that my ex is back in a relationship with one of his exes. I was shocked and hurt. I’m hurt because she had always been a problem in our life, she even at one point asked him to choose between us, and he was always saying that I didn’t have to worry about her. This makes me wonder if he had ever been true about his relationship with her. Was she always there, and was I just naive and trusted this man too much?
Do I have a right to be upset? What should I do?
As you reflect on what could be the facts surrounding your past relationship, be careful that you do not get too preoccupied with the former relationship to the detriment of the current one.
If, as you said, you did not feel appreciated as the first lady in the former relationship and you subsequently made your decision to walk away, then you have to live by your decision. Whether or not he is back with his ex should be no concern of yours, as he is now free to choose whom he wants to settle with. It could be true that the other girl was responsible for the problems you had then, but that does not matter anymore as the fact is that he has made a decision to be with her and not with you. Will he be true to her? Only time will tell.
Since you both share a child, the emphasis should be on the welfare of the child and not on both of you as a possible couple. You have said that your current relationship is going well and that your partner is treating you well; that is where your attention should be focused. Work on building your relationship. Like driving a car, you can’t move forward if you keep looking in the rear-view mirror. If you do, you would be sure to crash.
So even if you still have feelings for your child’s father you have to avoid any semblance of being reunited with him as this would not be fair to your present partner.
So when you both get together to discuss matters concerning the child, let it be on neutral grounds and do maintain the boundaries. Don’t let your curiosity lead you to interrogate him about his romantic life; leave it alone. It is really none of your business anymore. If he senses that you are still interested in him, he might just take advantage of your weakness which would cause you much more distress than you really need in your life.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to crisscounselloronline@gmail. com; check out his work overseas on www.seekingshalom.org, e-mail powellw@ seekingshalom.org.
