Does he have stalker tendencies?

HE knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, but he is not Santa — instead he’s your nutty mate. Though the signs that your significant other may become a stalker aren’t always straightforward, there are little things he might do in the relationship that may hint that he will be an unwanted fan, even after you break up.

According to relationship counsellor Wayne Powell, dealing with such a spouse is not the easiest thing, especially when you are in a relationship but feel like a prisoner because you are unable to interact with friends and associates.

“He may even accuse you of being in a relationship with every male passer-by who smiles with you on the road,” Powell said.

Of note, Powell said jealousy in the relationship can run the gamut of mere expression of care to the extent of aggression and paranoia.

“It is certainly fine for one partner to warn his spouse about accepting an invitation from an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend who obviously has ulterior motives. It gets real bad, however, when your spouse forbids you from sitting at the lunch table with co-workers of the opposite sex and even worse, when physical abuse occurs,” he said.

Other signs your mate may turn into a stalker include:

He watches your every move

If your mate can tell you the exact time you arrived or left somewhere, the clothes you were in and who you were with, you are already dealing with a stalker. Though he may not have been physically there, he may have his allies set up to update him on your daily activities.

He is clingy

If he wants to be around you 24/7, accompany you to every event or becomes insecure if he can’t hear from you, he has attachment issues which will likely be difficult to break free from if or when the relationship ends.

He is controlling

Someone who dictates to you what to do, how to do it, who to see and when to see them may have stalker tendencies. Losing power when the relationship ends may not be a good thing for him and in return he may stalk you to have that sense or autocracy returned.

He is insecure

If your spouse suffers from low self-esteem, chances are he is already watching you and is insecure about every friend that you have of the opposite sex. When the relationship ends, he will more than likely be watching to see who the next man in your life is and do comparisons.

He contacts you multiple times for the day

If your spouse has the time to call you 30 times for the day and gets upset if you miss one call, then you are in for trouble when the relationship ends. He constantly needs to feel close to you and becomes upset when that feeling of closeness isn’t there. If that exists in the relationship, if a break-up occurs, that need for closeness will not immediately vanish.

Powell said people will behave in such ways for different reasons. These include:

The once bitten, twice shy adage

Powell said your spouse may have been in a situation where he was cheated on and so he becomes suspicious of all members of the opposite sex who indicate an interest. “The new person would have to prove her trustworthiness or she would be fried in the same oil as the one before,” he said.

The individual may suffer from self-esteem issues

“If this is so, the individual will believe that his spouse may not find him attractive and may want to leave for someone more adorable. This low self-esteem may cause this individual to display aggressive behaviour towards his spouse as he strives to protect the investment (relationship),” Powell pointed out.

He may feel a sense of insecurity

Powell said an example of this is one partner being more educated or earning more money. “Men are usually the ones with this problem. In order to establish who wears the pants in the home, they resort to sinister acts like stalking, checking cell phones, calling the lady 24 hours per day, picking up and dropping off even if he has to drive miles to make the trip. There was even a case where the man’s jealousy drove him to proceed to examine his partner’s body cavity to convince himself that she was not unfaithful to him after she arrived home late from work,” he said.

If you notice stalker tendencies in your spouse, Powell encourages you to:

1. Ensure you remain faithful to your spouse and give him no reason to doubt your integrity.

2. Be transparent. Share openly with your spouse most if not all aspects of your life. Be willing to disclose your agenda for the day.

3. If someone has indicated interest in you feel free to share such information with your spouse. It would certainly clear your conscience as you and your spouse know that the feeling is not mutual.

4. If your partner is overly possessive and jealous and you are uncomfortable in such a situation, you may need to speak with him about your discomfort. A counsellor may be required to help you both deal with the untenable situation.