I’m not single on purpose,I’m longing for a partner

BEYONCÉ’S Single Ladies anthem had many women dancing to the number, revelling in their independence and promoting the widely believed fallacy that single women have all the fun. The song explored men’s unwillingness to commit, and implored women to move on if their men didn’t want to put a ring on it. But even while singing, Beyoncé had already got her ring, while many of those who danced to the tune were still anxiously searching.

The songs and memes and cute quotes on the Internet would have you believe being single is amazing, but for some people, it’s a stage they’d give anything to get out of.

Joi B, 40, said she has been single for 20 years. While she is actively looking for a partner, she said no one has ever expressed an interest.

“You don’t want to seem anxious or like you’re missing out, but at the same time you don’t want to seem like you couldn’t care less,” she said.

“Many times it comes to a point where I weigh the pros and cons and wonder what if, then I may draw back and say I’m good, but it usually comes down to wanting a partner but not wanting to change a pattern I’ve become so used to. Also, whenever I think I’ve hit the jackpot I usually get turned down or the person doesn’t express the same feelings.”

For those who’ve actually been in previous relationships and chose to give themselves long breaks, getting back on the dating scene can be difficult.

“If you’re someone like me whose last relationship was 10 years ago, you may say to yourself, ‘Where am I going to go look for a man to settle down with?'” said 38-year-old Amanda.

“I took a long break, focused on my goals and let that wait, and now it’s difficult to get up and try to date again. Of course I want to walk down the aisle and raise a family. Of course I want a man to call my own, but after so many years, I’m longing for companionship. But I’ve become so used to my own company that I wonder if it’s worth it. No one wants to open Pandora’s Box at my age. I tried a different route to seek them out for myself, but all have said that they don’t see me in that light. I’ve come to a point to believe maybe that aspect of my life isn’t meant to be.”

Matthew B is 45 and wants a fruitful relationship.

“My last girlfriend was about six years ago. If I want a fruitful relationship she will have to be younger and she may not want someone so old,” he said. “I can’t go looking for a 45-year-old woman, and where will I find a single one? Most women I’ve approached say straight out that they don’t want someone so close to half a century. It has come to a point where I’ve accepted that no woman wants me,” he said.

Twenty-eight -year-old Keisha Y said while she’s been out of a relationship for five years, searching for a partner becomes more difficult as the days go by.

“It’s not easy and the longer you wait the harder it gets, because your focus will change. Apart from that, you are going to hold whoever comes to very high standards, which they might not meet, and you will not ease up or compromise. Another thing is that people see you and become intimidated for whatever reason. So you’re searching, searching, and no one’s coming, and the minute you dare say how you feel to a male friend he might feel emasculated or wounded,” she said.

Additionally, in some cases singles are often ostracised or discriminated against simply because they’re not coupled up.

They’re no longer invited to events which require couples, people ask them to fill in or do something because they don’t have a family to go home to, or deliberately leave them out of conversations because they believe they wouldn’t understand or be able to relate.

Denecia Green, author of Lies Sex and Betrayal, told All Woman that ostracising of single people usually happens when they are in an environment where there are many couples. She said while single people do understand that life changes and priorities shift when their girlfriends become involved in serious relationships, unfortunately some women lose themselves completely in the men and neglect everything around them.

“They abandon their friendships because they think they no longer need them. So the single friend is no longer offered dinner invitations, no more girls’ nights out or long, meaningless telephone conversations, because they always have things to do with the new boyfriend or they now prefer to socialise with other couples,” Green said.

“Another thing to note is that people in relationships act as if the problems of their single friends are not as important as theirs, so they don’t listen and the few who pretend to listen don’t take their problems seriously.”

Green said it is usually unfair to the singletons because as soon as the relationship ends with the coupled friend, they return to the single friend for support.

According to Green, common places where singles experience discrimination include at the workplace and among family.

“Some employers believe that because you are not married or have children, it means that you have nothing better to do with your time than to work long hours,” she said.

“And if a family member becomes sick and requires help, the married people in the family believe that it is the single person’s responsibility to provide assistance or maybe to even move in with the person because they are deemed to have little or no responsibility.”