He has too many kids
Counsellor,
I recently started dating a very nice man who treats me well. He told me from the get-go that he was a dad, and that he has his kids half the time. Initially I had no issues with this, but now it’s a problem as they are always around. He has three kids under five, with two women. Also, when they are around him, their mothers don’t want me to be there. I don’t want the drama because I am a young woman, but as I said he’s a nice guy and they’re hard to come by. What do you think?
You started dating a man with three young children, and it’s now posing a challenge. Understood. This often is the reality of dating at a particular age and stage in life. When you date in your mid 30s and above, chances are your date will have past relationships that could now make their lives more complicated. Yes, dating later in life often means considering someone who has children and exes. And to some extent, as you said, “nice” partners may be “hard to come by”. Although, how do you define nice?
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Listen, life often doesn’t play out as we imagine. It most frequently throws us some curveballs, some unexpected situations. That’s why being mature and responsible is imperative for us as adults. Those qualities should guide our decisions. We all have to make decisions prudently and maturely, often separating how we feel from what just makes sense. As youth, we never really fully comprehend and appreciate the complexities and variables of this life. But gaining the right perspective can help us navigate the curveball situations well.
Wherever people find themselves in their relationships, it should be seen as the uniqueness of their own experiences and their story, requiring mature management. But should everyone want a “cookie-cutter” life, though? The same life story as everyone else? After all, the best stories are novel, with some drama and some suspense. But be encouraged, the chapters of your story are still being written. And God forbid that they are boring. You are fortunate if you can realise that the decisions you’re faced with serve to make you stronger, wiser, and more fulfilled.
You do need to evaluate the situation maturely and then make a bold decision. As an adult, you have probably been dating this guy with a goal in mind. You probably were hoping for a long-term relationship. And if you decide to stay in this relationship, the best outcome would be a marriage. That would immediately make you a stepmother to three small children. Can you manage that challenge? Some women can and might delight in that prospect. Others may shudder at the thought. What do you think?
REV CHRIS BRODBER .
Are you able to parent (and possibly have to finance) three children that are not your own? Are you prepared to possibly contend with their father, and probably their biological mothers, about parenting style, rules, discipline, boundaries, etc? If not, then this is not for you. Also, add to the equation the question of how many biological children you may want. And, also add to the equation the fact that maintaining a romantic relationship takes work.
Now you’ve said he is a nice guy, but yes, he has three small children with two women. I might question his present emotional stability, self-discipline, and decision-making skills. You might also need to be very cautious so that you do not become the third woman with children for him. Whatever you choose to do, think responsibly, think long-term. Whatever happens, life’s lessons are ahead of you, experiences, and the prospect of growth and stretching. If you perceive that this relationship has too much drama or risk, then give yourself a shot at something else. Don’t fear or doubt saying goodbye. And I pray that the rest of your life will be the best of your life!
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
