Bun fi bun?
SOMEWHERE between confirming that a partner is cheating and accepting that it actually happened, many people contemplate giving them a dose of their own medicine — what Jamaicans call ‘bun fi bun’.
Relationship counsellor Wayne Powell says the thought of cheating is a most natural response to the news of a cheating partner.
“The argument in support of ‘bun fi bun’ is the concept ‘if you can do it so can I’ or ‘every good bun deserves another’, but it is not a recommended course of action though it may appear fair on the surface,” Powell said.
“The best option when you find out that your partner is cheating or has cheated is to seek professional help instead of taking matters into your own hands.”
Drawing on research conducted in the United States, Powell said that 30 to 60 per cent of married individuals will engage in acts of infidelity, while 25 to 50 per cent of divorcees attribute infidelity to the dissolution of their marriages.
But Powell said that whether or not the couple decide to dissolve their union, there are devastating repercussions that create huge dents in marital/committed relationships that both parties, especially the offended, are forced to cope with.
“There are some women in particular who would accept that their partner is cheating but he must be very discreet and not be barefaced. Others are vehemently opposed and would confront the other woman, while others will return the favour. Those who take the ‘reciprocal’ route are sometimes doing it out of spite and sometimes bring more harm to themselves emotionally and so defeat the purpose of the intention,” Powell explained.
So is ‘bun fi bun’ a reasonable response to infidelity?
Dwayne:
Personally, two wrongs don’t make a right. I believe that you should make the decision to either forgive the person and move on instead of going out of your way to cheat.
Leroy:
I am guilty of cheating. As a younger man I thought it was okay because I was told, “Man fi have nuff gal and gal in a bundle”, and of course I felt it was right. I never thought of the emotional repercussions that it would have on my wife. I never thought of the things that other females, especially the ones that I cheated on her with, would say about her, or the fact that while I could boast, my wife would have been left humiliated by these comments. In all honesty, doing it back to me would not fix things. She would still feel betrayed and scarred emotionally but if it meant that it would clear my conscience and replace the frown I saw on her face for months, I would give her the go-ahead to cheat though it would kill me.
Anna-Kay:
I know I may get a bashing for this but the truth of the matter is that I would have him feeling exactly how he had me feeling. Like the popular saying goes, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” If he doesn’t want me playing dirty, then he shouldn’t change the rules of the game in the middle of it.
Dorene:
A very simple, but what I have found to be a very profound statement, “If you can’t take the heat stay out of the kitchen”. Whoever feels that they have the right to engage another party while in a relationship should be able to handle the emotional consequences of their partner doing the same.
Dianna:
Everyone is grounded in their own morals and principles. I have broken off two relationships because I found out any partners were cheating. Cheating is one of the worst forms of betrayal — it eats away at you, it riles up anger and it could make you very revengeful. But should you submit yourself to cheating in response to his cheating ways? You must ask yourself if you could look yourself in the mirror. I couldn’t, neither could I risk being constantly cheated on, so I bottled up my feelings, and I packed my things and I left their lives. You should never compromise your values just because someone else did it to you. It will not automatically become right.
Patrice:
I don’t believe that it makes sense to cheat on your partner just because he has cheated on you. The power is in your hands to know if you can or can’t handle the thought of him cheating. You should know the value of your relationship and if you think that cheating in response is justifiable, then you would know that your relationship is not in a very healthy state. Also, I don’t want Tom, Dick and Harry saying that they were with me or judge me simply because in a moment of anger I went to bed with them. Never give a person that power over you.
