Why he dumps you for another after you’ve invested so much in him

IT’S a story that isn’t strange to us. There is the self-sufficient good woman who has for a long time been with a man who has not necessarily achieved much for himself. She sticks with him, invests in, and supports him in every way. For years she faithfully awaits the ring. Suddenly he dumps her then marries a woman who just does not seem to be able to measure up to her in terms of achievements.

Then there is the hardworking, not so educated man who spends his money sending his woman to school. She achieves her degree and then dumps him, often for someone she now considers to be a more suitable match in terms of social status, education and finances.

The damage to the jilted person can be temporary or permanent depending on whether they get help to heal their hurt, restore their self-esteem and rebuild trust. Damaged self-esteem and deflated egos are never easy to mend. But why would a man or a woman described in the scenarios presented walk away from seemingly good partners who have over a long period invested so much in them, and in short order commit to another?

The lesson for the ladies: Good women who invest in men who are perhaps not on the same level with them in terms of achievements and financial capabilities should know that most men do not like to feel inadequate. Men have big egos, especially when it comes to being able to provide for their women. A man who cannot provide adequately will feel small regardless of how you reassure him. So he might stay with you, take your teaching, accept your support in every way you offer him. Harsh as it might sound, put aside the emotions for a moment and let’s be practical. What you are doing is grooming him — sometimes for another.

While he is with you, he learns from you what a woman values in a good partner, and he is preparing himself to be that good partner but sometimes not to you. Yes, you might be preparing him to be the perfect husband to a woman with whom he can finally feel like a man. You have groomed him well and he could even be very grateful to you, but he cannot feel like a king with a woman who he views psychologically as playing his role.

That is why a man might leave his longtime woman and within a short time of that break-up, he marries another woman who the longtime woman would not have considered equal competition. What you need to note is that the new woman is not beneath his standards. She is exactly what he is looking for. Perhaps she is less educated or less successful materially, but once he finds her he is gone, and it’s not because you are not a good woman or something is wrong with you. It’s because your role in his life has expired. When he leaves, he’s much more confident in his ability to be a good partner to a woman he now knows he can be the king of the hill with.

A woman who finds herself in that situation of having groomed a man who leaves her for another woman needs to accept that she is a good woman, but she’s perhaps not good at finding the right man for her. Find a man who is secure with a woman who can hold her own. You can find a man and build together, but some women are groomers. They fail to realise that they take their maternal instinct too far when it comes to relationships. Stop looking specifically for men you need to mother or groom and allow your man to come to you ready to be a husband. Some men, if they are not in a good financial position when they come into your life, will not be secure with you. Regardless of how much you invest to bring him up to your level, it’s no guarantee he will stay with you.

The lesson for men: There are good, genuine women who enter relationships for love. Although they appreciate a man who can take care of them, money isn’t the deciding factor. However, a man who will spend on them is important to a lot of women, so a man should be discerning about the type of woman he gets involved with. A man who invests in a woman by paying for her education is likely to expect her to remain with him, but expectations and assumptions are sometimes recipes for disaster in relationships. Not everyone thinks the way you do or operates according to your standards or expectations.

If the woman you invested in elevates herself through education, depending on her character, she might want you to now do the same to match her intellectually and socially. Another woman might simply move right along to find a man she now considers her equal. It’s a cold reality, but people will take as much as you allow them to, so guard your heart.

When it comes to investing in a woman, some men give without expectations, others give because they expect returns. Give what you know you can let go of, without becoming extremely bitter if your expectations are not realised. Whilst you cannot read a woman’s mind, take your time to get to know a woman, feel her out, ask questions which will give you insight into her mindset, the kind of man she envisions spending her life with. If you don’t fit the bill, taper your investment because you might just be a stepping stone towards preparing her for him.

Marie Berbick, aka The PR Girl, is a communications specialist, motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration (SUPHER). Follow her on Twitter @thePR Girl or e-mail marieberbick@gmail.com.