Bashing men won’t heal our hurts
IF you’ve been through a bad relationship which left a bitter taste in your mouth, it is normal to temporarily feel angry, fearful, and even to lash out, but it’s not normal to allow that experience to destroy your chance at ever having a healthy relationship.
Even when you think you’re over the bitterness of a failed relationship, the feelings of disappointment, anger and fear which appeared dormant can suddenly be activated by a simple mention of something that reminds you of that negative experience.
The headline of my article last week,
A smart woman will fight for her man, appeared to be that trigger for a lot of women who’ve been burnt in relationships. A lot of women have been dealt some hard blows in relationships which have caused them to be completely turned off men. But there are too many women who have done nothing about their hurt. Good women who have been hurt are holding on to the bitterness that will prevent them from ever having the happy, healthy relationships they deserve.
A person who has been through a bad relationship or divorce goes through various stages. These include denial, grief, anger, then acceptance and healing. The latter, despite its importance, is often NEVER addressed by hurting women. Depending on the situation, sometimes there is the need to restore your self-esteem, rebuild your life, and just start over completely.
A hurting woman needs to be empowered to rise from this valley experience. She needs to know how to deal with the damage to her self-esteem, the humiliation, the bitterness and pain. A hurting woman needs to be encouraged, empowered, healed and restored.
Having experienced a failed relationship, I know the pain. But I can tell you without fear of contradiction that something good can come from your bad experience. The lessons you learn will help another woman. What the Devil intended to use to pull you down is what God is going to use to build you up!
Part of the problem is that some hurting women want to move on, but emotionally they are not ready. A hurting woman might meet the right man and miss the opportunity because there is no room to accommodate him. Her spirit is burdened because her heart is packed with the negatives deposited there by her experiences with John, Paul, and the rest of ‘ole dawgs’ as we have styled them.
If she isn’t ready, all kinds of problems will manifest. First, she will not trust that man. Everything he does will cause her to question his motives and his sincerity because inside, she is battling fear, anger, doubt, hurt and mistrust. She expects this man to be another in the string of bad relationships, so she refuses to open her heart.
Talking about it helps to release the pain. Cry, get mad and stay mad for a while — you are human. It’s you who’ve been through that hurt. It’s you who have had sleepless nights. It’s you who had your pride crushed and your self-esteem trod upon. But in the end, a hurting woman needs to slowly let go of the pain and release herself from the bitterness, or it will destroy her life. I would recommend that every woman who has faced disappointment in relationships read the TD Jakes’ book
Woman Thou Art Loosed, while in their process of healing.
Interestingly, we hear more about hurting women than we do about hurting men, but there are good men out there who are literally afraid to love because they have been hurt, quite likely by a hurting woman. Hurting people hurt other people.
This is a cycle that will not be stopped by hurting women bashing men or vice versa. Taking a solution-based rather than accusatory approach is what will make the difference. First, we must admit that there isn’t enough focus on teaching our sons how to be responsible, caring men who respect women. Let us admit that many of us feel that it is not manly to show emotions, thus our men are afraid to show their women ‘love’.
Let us focus on knowledge empowerment for our girls so that they can see the signs of an unhealthy relationship from very early and do the smart thing. Let us focus on healing for our hurting women so that they can restore themselves and be ready to welcome the right man into their lives.
Marie Berbick is a motivational speaker and founder of the women’s ministry Sisters United for Prayer, Healing, Empowerment & Restoration (SUPHER). Follow her on Twitter @thePR Girl or e-mail marieberbick@gmail.com.
